Untying knots

[Joolzie73]

Hi all, I wanted some advice if possible? My ex split with me four years ago, leaving my daughter and I in our shared home. We weren’t married but shared a mortgage, the lions share of the deposit coming from me selling my previous property. He’s been generously supporting me living here for the last four years, giving me about twice as much maintenance as required on the gov website so I can afford the mortgage here. My fixed rate mortgage is due to expire. I asked him if he would stay on the mortgage so I can get another fixed rate. I earn far less than that required to get a mortgage alone. He’s begrudgingly agreed but says he wants a good chunk of the equity when I eventually move house because he’s effectively paying half the mortgage even though he doesn’t live here. I pay for all the maintenance and home improvements etc. It’s a mess because he can’t move on financially, I feel like a burden but hate the idea of losing my home. I’m an orphan and get no support from extended family. Where I live is expensive. My daughter is settled and happy in school with friends she’s known since nursery. If I sell up, I would give him his portion of the equity yes but I would end up wasting mine on rent which would be much higher than my current mortgage for a similar property in the area. Add to all this the fact that I cannot stop wishing we were still together😔 He has my daughter every weekend which just breaks my heart as I miss them both so much. I’ve tried to succeed in new relationships but just end breaking up with the guy as I can’t get over my ex. I break their hearts. I can’t trust, I go off them after an initial excitement...I stop fancying them, I find reasons to split with them. It’s horrible all round. My ex gets annoyed with me because he wants me to find someone else to live with so he can lose me as a financial burden. He said I have a big problem with trust and gets angry thinking I will never move on from him financially or lovingly. I’ve had so much counselling over the years for CPTSD and I’m much happier generally but this need to an attachment to my ex is such a massive hurdle. So anyway, what would you do? What’s best for everyone? Advice would be greatly appreciated thank you x

Could you move to a smaller property with smaller mortgage at least? It sounds like he has been responsible.

I have no idea how you let go of him emotionally. Friend is struggling to do this in her marriage, 3 yrs after her H originally left. I really hope she has moved on by end of yr4.

Why has he got your DD every weekend? Surely it would be better for her to have a weekend with each parent?

I would suggest that you need to find a way to be financially self-sufficient and to work out a contact schedule which means you have quality time at the weekend with your DD.

Thanks for your messages. I could only move to a flat or tiny two bed as my house isn’t big at all, and my mortgage isn’t large so it’s hard to find something smaller or cheaper. My ex alway asks to have my daughter at the weekend and I just roll over I guess, still trying to placate him, make him see how lovely and altruistic I am so he will come back to me. Sad huh?! My daughter loves spending time with him and doesn’t see him all week so I want her to be happy too. I miss her though. During the week it’s nice but we are always busy with homework or making dinner etc. I do take her to the cinema sometimes but he gets all the fundays it feels. I get all the boring bits!

You need to move on.

The best ways to do that are to
Cut ties /reliance financially
Sort out proper and fair access

Sounds like you need to sell the house and but somewhere you can afford independently even if smaller - you cannot afford where you are and it’s also Not fair to your ex to keep him on the mortgage

Sort out access so you have your daughter eow

I am a single parent and have a tiny two bed house with two children, so that is just life. I don’t really have much sympathy with your problem there, I am afraid. I also have no support from extended family.

I suspect that your ex agreed to keep paying the mortgage as he knows he has an unfair (to you) contact arrangement. Basically you are taking all the responsibility for school days, domestic day to day life and he is having the weekends where there is time for relaxation and fun. So it is not in his interests to rock the boat; particularly if you agree to give him some of the equity in the house.

So I do think you need to take a long, hard look at finances as to what you can afford and become self-sufficient; and you also should sit down with him and work out a fair contact schedule. His additional days should be during the week so you can have a weekend with her. But what I suspect is happening here is that he is advancing professionally and doing his job Monday to Friday and the quid pro quo is that you are enabling him to do this by being available Mon-Friday in exchange for a mortgage being paid.

Who benefits in this situation? It is not actually in your DD’s best interests never to have a weekend with her mother.

Thank you guys for your perspectives, and your honesty. It’s great to see things from other people’s eyes. I appreciate it x

What is the general consensus on contact with the absent parent? What do you think is fair? Should I have her every other weekend or part of each weekend? I love spending time with her but generally during the week she’s tired from school and just wants to chill, leaving me feeling needy if I want to spend quality time with her. I do read to her every night for up to 3/4 of an hour but that’s about it, unless I take her to town after school or to the cinema etc but she’s knackered the next day then..thanks for your advice.

Hello again, the legal advice I have received (from different solicitors at different points as I have had complex proceedings I won’t go into) is that the main consideration is the best interests of the child is paramount; alongside that it has always been clear that it is in the best interests of the child to be able to spend uninterrupted quality time with each parent, be that weekends or in the holidays. Thus, you should be getting weekend time with your DD as she should be having quality time with both parents - whether that would work best as half the weekend each week or a whole weekend every two weekends would depend on what best suits your DD - so you would consider things like distance she needs to travel, her age and what she is used to. For example, a small child might do better with more frequent shorter contact, whilst an older child might do better with weekends in one place.

Is there any possibility that your ex could pick up one evening/overnight a week which is two nights a fortnight and then you have every other weekend with your DD uninterrupted? That is probably going to be a better balance of weekday routine time and fun time with each parent.

In short, I would suggest that never having a weekend with you or not consistently having weekends with you is not in your DD’s best interests. As you say, you do not have a chance to do everyday things like go to the cinema or swimming at the weekend with her.

Yes, I think it should be EOW with one evening/ sleepover where possible during the opposite week, half the school holidays and split the “special days” fairly.
I also think you need to sell your house.

I would end up wasting mine on rent

That must be what he’s doing at the moment, while paying for you to stay in what was your joint home?

As you weren’t married you’ve been incredibly lucky he’s been so supportive and it’s not unreasonable at all that he wants to be able to use his resources towards his own home which will benefit him and your daughter in the long run.

The thing that strikes me is that the deposit on the house came from you. As you aren't married did you reflect that in your percentage ownership of the house? If so he is entitled to less than 50%

Even if this isn't reflected legally, you could try and get him to accept 50% of the equity less the deposit in exchange for releasing him sooner from the mortgage and this might be enough to help you buy something suitable.

I must admit the solicitor advised me to claim the larger portion legally but love was in my eyes so I didn’t bother. I am lucky that he’s so supportive. He is a great dad, even though he chose to leave us. He’s got a new relationship right now and the sediment has been kicked up. It’s really hard thinking I might have to leave my home. I was homeless as a teenager so Home is a sensitive subject to me. This upset has triggered past trauma about loosing everything so it’s a bit more complicated than it could be if I hadn’t had the past trauma. I don’t want to run off and find a man to be my home base, which is what I’ve done all my life until the past four years, as it’s not good for my mental health and I can’t get that feeling of security back as it’s a past trauma if that makes sense. I worry I might end up somewhere awful where I don’t feel safe. Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts 💭