I want to split but I’m so scared

[User1098]

I have been married for 10 years and have 2 young children. Been with DH for 15 years.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not happy. I know that I don’t love my husband. I think I must have done at some point but I don’t remember. He cheated on me years ago and I think something stopped that day.

Our sex life is poor. We’re not emotionally close. He dislikes my family. I don’t go out of my way to see his family. He is short tempered and has recently been cruel to the children.

But he’s generally easy going. He doesn’t stop me from doing anything that I want to do. He’s very supportive of my career. He’s not mean financially. He’s very intelligent, which is important to me.

I don’t know what to do for the best. I recently had a crush at work and it awakened all these feelings that I didn’t know I could feel. Lust, tenderness, desire. I never told my crush how I felt but it made me think even harder about my marriage.

My reasons for not breaking up:

1. I don’t want to hurt my children
2. I don’t want to hurt DH
3. I don’t want to lose 50% of my time with the children
4. I would probably need to move areas to afford somewhere which could be difficult with schools and 50/50 access
5. I’m scared that I’m just being ridiculous and having a midlife crisis.
6. Why blow up my decent life for the chance of a more fulfilling relationship that may never happen

Does anyone have any experience of these fears and what did you do?

I have started feeling jealous of ‘connected’ couples in real life and in TV/film. Maybe I’m expecting too much. Interestingly I chatted to my crush about this a lot. He encouraged me to work at my marriage. He says that it’s supposed to be hard. He says that love doesn’t really exist. He says that most married people settle for their partners. He says it’s bullsh!t that you shouldn’t marry the person you can live with but the one you can’t live without.

He’s married by the way.

Have you thought about trying counselling? You could try going yourself to talk through your thoughts. And then perhaps couple counselling with your husband.

Your crush wants to convince you that all marriages are crap, because his probably is. I used to think like him, but I changed my mind and now I'm separating.

He...has recently been cruel to the children.

What are you waiting for? Get them out of there. Make a solicitor's appointment today and find out where you stand. You need the husband out of the house, or you and the children out.

All the rest is so much bullshit. You will have crushes for the rest of your life, people do. I'm in my sixties and it still happens to me. There's no need to get too worked up about them. The current crush is of no consequence. Your children really are.

They depend on you to love them and protect them. Protect them from a man who is cruel to them, and don't move them in with another man. Give them a safe place to grow, and conduct your romances away from their home.

I have been feeling similar to you for some time. A lot of guilt but nagging feeling of wanting a different life. I got the "balls" to speak to DH and actually transpires he feels the same to a certain degree. We love each other but aren't in love or emotionally connected anymore. We've been married 18 years (DC 11 and 7). Think we're going to try and live together separately as have a couple spare rooms but it's early days. It's all very scary and I am crying a lot. It feels like grief for the end of the marriage. How are things for you now @User1098 ?

Same feelings here. If only it was easy. I’m also scared that divorce will fuck up my kids although current situation is toxic as well. We have zero connection, emotional or physical. Nada. I feel i have nothing to look forward to in this relationship other than death. And i’m only 39...

Get all what you are saying. It's so difficult. Found myself crying in the car the other morning after I dropped off at school as two grandparents were holding hands in the school yard.

Hi, I know this is an old thread but on the off chance you see this reply I wondered how you're getting on now? Did you leave your husband? I want to leave my marriage for very similar reasons, but I'm scared to make the leap for fear of hurting my kids (who adore him) or things getting nasty etc xx

I’m standing right on edge. I know how you feel @BeShyPlumLeader. I’m inching towards feeling it’s ok to be guided by my feelings but it’s taken a long time. Unless your H is abusive, your DCs can have the same relationship they have now. He’ll carry on being a dad even if he stops being your partner. For me, H hasn’t wanted to talk which makes me think he know where we’re heading. But he still wanted to go out as normal today. I said no - and currently sat on my own in a sunny cafe. Exams in our house, so want to avoid a big scene right now. But am taking baby steps and feeling proud of myself for it.

Hi @BeShyPlumLeader , i have started divorce proceedings a year after that message so yes, i did it. It’s been 4 years and i can hand on heart say I have zero regrets. I did the right thing.
Our divorce was quite amicable so I guess i was lucky in that respect. It was stressful but once done and dusted, things have settled. We co-parent fine and maintain good enough relationship. Kids are fine too.

I am also in a relationship and cautiously happy; it feels like i might have found my person. Time will tell.

Thank you so much for replying to me. I'm so pleased to hear you're doing well and have no regrets. It really gives me hope

Do you mind if I ask a few questions please? How did your kids take it at first? Did you both manage to keep on good terms for them? One of the main things I'm worried about is where I will live with my kids and how ill afford to run a house on my own. He will probably want 50/50 custody which is fine, but he earns double what I do (and that's only since I went full time a year ago. Previously I always worked part time to be there for the kids) and I'd never get a mortgage with only 50% of the equity in our home. I'd need a bigger cut to put down as a deposit, but I can see that really pissing him off (and therefore hard to be amicable). Aggh just so many things to think about

My kids were 11 and 6 at the time, tbh it feels like it was all ages ago. It wasn’t horrible as we were always flexible re where kids are staying. We don’t have agreed days up to this day, each week might be slightly different in terms of who’s where depending on what we both have on.
My 11 year old (at the time) hated me for a bit because i got into a new relationship quite soon after divorce. It was too soon for them to understand and accept. We are over that now and back on good terms (my relationship didn’t survive but i have learned a lot from it).

Re financial split you need to get professional advice. I understand the worry and to get through it, find out the facts, what you would be entitled in case of divorce etc. Then you can plan your next step.