Beginning my separation / divorce journey

[daintytoes]

Hi,

This may be long! I don't want to drip feed, there's so much information but I don't know where to start

Main points;

Been with DH 8 years.
Married for 5 years.
I have dd16.
He has no dc's.
We have no dc's together.
We have a mortgage.
He paid deposit on home.
I've never been put on mortgage.
I am due an inheritance soon.
He is self employed.
I'm employed full time.

The previous relationship I was in (with dd's dad) was very abusive. I left him 11 years ago. I carried on living in the family home with my young dd. Ex paid half of he mortgage while I paid the other half plus all the bills.

When I moved in with current DH he took out the mortgage in his name and paid the deposit. My name was still on previous property. Once I was released from the mortgage (I walked away with nothing by choice as I wanted complete freedom from abusive ex), I moved in with DH. I'm a nurse, but due to childcare at that time (ex took no responsibility for dd back then), I left my job to work on the nurse bank...zero hour contract so I wasn't able to go on the mortgage for current home. During the time I was working on the nurse bank I was only able to work 1-2 shifts a week due to childcare, so current DH and I calculated what percentage I would pay (calculated based on both of our earnings). So he paid about 70% for a while as he earned a lot more. It's lasted a couple of years then it was split 50:50.

Things stabilised job wise and with dd seeing her dad, then DH and I got married. I never pursued my name going on them mortgage as I (?wrongly?) assumed that being married gave me some rights.

We hit a rocky patch a year or so ago but managed to get through it. During this time he said that the house is his as he put down the deposit and my name is not on the mortgage. He even got his bank to send him out all his statements going back years, and he highlighted every extra payment he made, or when he had paid for things such as nights away etc. He was all set to present it to a solicitor if needed, to prove I had not paid half equally throughout our relationship.

Unfortunately my DF passed away this year. I am due to inherit half of his estate, however at the moment I don't know the full value. My DF has about £35k in the bank but this won't be released until the house is sold. The house will be put on the market hopefully in February and should fetch about £50-60k as it is in disrepair, and not in a desirable area. One pension company is dragging heels in paying out. My DF has an extensive collection of niche items, which will be sold however at this point we don't know the potential value let alone if it will realise the potential.

I want to separate from my DH as he is not the man I married. Over the (only 5) years we've been married he has become very stubborn. Does things to prove a point and always has to be right. He also doesn't like my DD very much. He's on her case quite a lot and is quite strict with her. So I've decided it'll just be me and my DD from now on.

So my question is this. If we separate then divorce, will DH be entitled to any of my inheritance? I'm not really interested in going after half of the house. There is about £50k equity in the house but I'm willing to walk away, as he will do everything to stop me from taking half (if I'm entitled to it).

I'm willing to walk away from a house once again if it means a clean break however I'm worried he will come after what my dad left me. My dad was left destitute after my mother left him. He managed to get himself back above water financially plus more, and it would break my heart to hand over some of that to someone I don't want to share my life with.

I've spoken to my DSis about this over the weekend and she has suggested I contact the solicitor dealing with my dads estate. And also arrange to have it documented legally that we have separated.

I know the best thing is for us to separate however I'm scared of the road ahead. I'll be starting with absolutely nothing. No home or furniture, nothing. I need a hand hold and some advice please.

I'm in Scotland, if that makes a difference. Tia.

Scotland does make a difference … law is a bit different. My understanding is that in Scotland there is more of an emphasis on keeping individual stuff separate, so people tend to get returned to their pre-marriage situation and any sharing is based on stuff accrued during the marriage. I think your inheritance is "more safe" in Scotland than in England … but you will likely need specialist advice!

Thank you for your reply

I really have no idea on the ins and outs of the law regarding this. I know I need to just make the decision to leave, but the hardest thing will be picking up the phone to make a solicitors appointment I know once I get the initial appointment over it'll be a lot easier.

Feeling a bit lost at the moment

This site (www.btofamilylaw.co.uk/gifts-inheritance-who-gets-what-on-divorce-or-separation/) says that inheritance are not shared in Scotland, which should be reassuring.

Oh thank you so much! I really appreciate you looking for that for me... I was asking here on the off chance someone knew from the top of their head, but thank you!

I'll have a good read at it.

I'm more than happy to walk away from my home without a anything, just like I did last time. It would just upset me if I had to share my dads life savings and money from sale of his collection. Although if I had to legally then obviously that is what I'd have to do.

It's so daunting having to start again I also have no idea how long it will be before the full value of the inheritance is realised. I reckon it will take months for all of the items in my dads collection to be sold, so I feel that financially things are a little up on the air.

We currently live in a 3 bedroom home. Our spare room is being used to store some of my dads collection, so I've been sleeping on the sofa on and off for weeks if not a few months.

Sorry to read about your situation. I would speak to a family lawyer ASAP. Compile a list of questions before you go in. Email them the story before you meet them so they have the background and you don't need to waste time at the meeting going into the details.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/scotland/family/relationship-problems-s/getting-divorced-s/ confirms what waterspider said about the inheritance.

I think if you've contributed to the housing costs you should be entitled to some repayment. Even a few thousand could help with legal fees to get a new place. You should also pursue some of the pension. This is your legal entitlement.

It's a difficult time, look after yourself.

Hi mama, thanks for replying.

And thanks for the advice on emailing ahead, great advice!

Unfortunately DH has no pension not that I'd want to get my hands on it. It's been a bone of contention between us for a while tbh.

He's self employed and has been for much of his working life. He's always preferred to "live for now" etc so has never seen the point in paying in to a pension. Whereas I'm the opposite. I've paid in to a pension since the age of 16.

Funnily enough he pays in to a savings account for his parents each month, planning for his father's retirement in a few years. He is the same...doesn't see the point in a pension. His mum has never worked (albeit she had 7 kids) so she has no pension savings either. Therefore all the siblings have been saving for their retirement.

I can understand the sentiment however I think financially we are on very different pages.

I've always insisted on separate finances due to financial abuse from my ex. So I really don't ask much about earnings and outgoings. So long as we're not in debt and have enough to get by then I've been happy. Maybe a little naive of me?

Sorry...a huge reply just to say that there is no pension for me to enquire about. Mine on the other hand....

Again I think this is naive of me, it I really don't think he'd try to claim any of my pension. I hope!

It sounds like you've bitten the bullet and you are emotionally ready to go. You just need to prepare. Get your bank statements printed out, deposit together etc.

It may be that he's entitled to some of your pension and your mortgage contribution could offset this.

I'd still get some advice from a lawyer before you do anything because it sounds like your husband prepped for this with his statements a few years ago. Have you got copies of his 'evidence'?

And research what you can through citizens advice etc. Many of the big firms have useful blogs. The legal firm Harper MacLeod have useful 'insight' blogs. You can search the Legal 500 Scotland for the top family law firms and check their sites for info. It's empowering to get the info you need.

Good luck, I wish you all the best for the next stage of your life.

I think you are safer in Scotland with your inheritance if it is ring fenced kept I your own bank account and not a penny used toward anything in marriage.
I think you’d best see a lawyer though and get your date of separation agreed before your inheritance is paid out.

In Scotland asset seperation is very strict.

Only what was earned during marriage is split evenly. Assuming no 10 years being a SAHM. Otherwise an argument of economic disadvantage comes into play.

Section 10 of the family law act. Specifically 10.6. States that inheritance and gifts are expressly excluded from the marital pot.

There is a caveat. If you commingled your inheritance after marriage then it becomes marital. However a counter argument is: that it wasn't earned during marriage so should be left out the pot.

Make a list of all gifts etc before and after marriage. Including a timeline of events. To help solicitor

Hi there, I used a brilliant divorce therapist called Caroline Watson for my divorce.After our mediation broke down due to him being a prat, I thought that I would have to just go through my solicitor and the cost was scary. Caroline was recommended by a friend in the same situation and this therapist has not only saved me a shed load of money on the divorce side of things, but also helped me to stay sane as she is a counsellor as well as a divorce coach.

Oh well, Merry Christmas

Have tried to make things as normal as possible despite our situation.
So far he has;

Refused to allow my DD15 (his SD) to go to his parents as usual on Xmas eve. Told her she wasn't welcome. This caused uproar and upset within our home. Then at the last minute he "allowed" her to go.

Refused to join in with our usual Xmas eve buffet. He sat alone in the conservatory instead.

Told me and DD he didn't have any gifts for us.

Told me he didn't want the gifts I'd bought for him.

Told us he didn't want woken up in the morning. DD and I got up at 8am, he's just up.

Has declined my DSis's invitation to Xmas dinner. Has bought himself Xmas dinner for one and will be at home alone.

Merry fucking Christmas 🎄

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'd forgotten I'd started this thread.

I've been finding difficult up until now to take action. I've been swinging between hating him, and feeling like I'll miss him.

I do know that I need to do this though, even if the whole Xmas disaster didn't happen.

I've looked at rentals in the area (but not too close), to tide me over until I'm in a position to buy. I have part of an inheritance but it'll take months to get another part of it. So renting will get me away quicker.

I will be getting legal advice after the NY regarding the house and also my inheritance.

Feeling quite lonely today