Husband left me at 3 months pregnant

[Natalie2020]

Hello,

Just wondering if I could get some advice. My husband left me when I was 13 weeks pregnant. The pregnancy was planned and it's our first child, we had only been married for 11 months, together for 6 years. He wanted children more than I did. He then decided that he wasn't happy and couldn't remain in a marriage where he changed as a person, he didn't give me any warning on his unhappiness or aired his feelings.

When he first left, he wasn't pleasant and I feel out of anger he said some hurtful things, one being moving out of our home and another being he feels we should terminate the pregnancy (this being said when I was nearly 20 weeks pregnant).. I am now 7 months pregnant, he's since moved out of our home and lives close by due to our unborn baby and his employment.

as time has gone on, he's been actively trying to make things amicable between us for the sake of the baby. He's very excited for the baby to arrive and is trying to be as supportive as he can.

He has broken me and I've struggled being pregnant alone, my mental health has been all over the place and I can't seem to get over that I ended up with someone who could leave a pregnant wife when I thought he loved me. Financially he has put strain on me as I now have a mortgage to pay for as well as other bills and I will be going on maternity in a few months. My anger of this whole situation just won't pass. I hope it will be easier when the baby is here as I will have a distraction and love for my little one that I won't care about my husband.

My question is, how do I act or behave with him before the baby arrives? He's trying to be friendly with me but it's hard to just act like nothing has happened when he's emotionally put me through hell when I should of been my most healthiest when pregnant. Do I allow him to come to the birth? Do I have his surname as my maiden name as eventually I will be divorced? Has anyone been in this situation and how did you cope with it all?

Many thanks, X

Sorry OP, no advice, just some sympathy, as I’m not in this situation. With regard to how to act around him and to allow him at the birth, only you can decide - if you’d feel better with someone else at the birth, then do that.

He’s a shit for leaving you while pregnant bless you x

So he left because you were pregnant but is now excited about the baby?
Are you sure there isn't someone else??

You have the right to have whomever will best meets your needs to the birth. If it isn't him, say non. He can see baby once he's born.

Amicable will be the kindest thing for your child but no idea how to do thst easily when you're justifiably hurting

I’m so sorry you are going through this You sound incredibly strong.

How do you behave with him? However you damn well want! If I where you I’d get some strict boundaries in place now and agree his visitation now, whilst you are more clear headed. You will be very vulnerable once you’ve had the baby and may be clouded by tiredness etc. Do you have someone there to support you through this?

With regards to him being at the birth, this is entirely up to you. Again it is a vulnerable time and you will want someone there who you trust to advocate for your rights and support you. Can he fulfill that role?

If I where you, I’d give your baby your maiden name and change your name back.

He sounds like a shit.

Can you sell or rent out your house and move to more affordable housing?

Yeah, I also wouldn’t put his name on the birth certificate. If he’s this wishy washy now, I wouldn’t want to deal with him during the really hard co-parenting years.

I haven’t been in this situation, but it sounds as though your husband has behaved badly - saying hurtful things, asking you to have a late termination and leaving you in the lurch financially. I’m not surprised that you’re angry. Might counselling help, even if just to get everything off your chest?

When it comes to the birth, whether to allow him in the room is entirely up to you. You are the patient and you need a calm, supportive environment for your own sake and that of the baby’s.

I would lean towards giving the baby your surname as it sounds as though you’ll be the baby’s primary carer and your ex has not been reliable. But again, that’s your decision.

Good luck and congratulations on your little one!

If you were unmarried then I would definitely advise not to put his name on the birth certificate. Since you will be married at the time of the baby's birth, I believe your husband will have parental responsibility regardless. It may actually be that you are legally required to add his name to the birth certificate - you'd need to check this.
In terms of surname, you can give your baby any surname you choose. In your shoes, I'd do as you've said and give the baby your maiden name and get your name changed back ASAP.
Bear in mind that when the parents of a baby are married, either parent can register the birth. Your husband can do this without you. So it's essential if you want to be in control of your baby's name that you act very quickly to register the birth.
As for whether to have him at the birth, personally I would avoid it. His "right" to see his baby being born is irrelevant (and non-existant). Think only about what you want. Giving birth is an extremely personal experience. It's not something I would want an ex partner to be involved in. Don't allow him to railroad or guilt trip you into making it about him in any way.

Don’t put his name on the birth certificate.

I can't help you answer those questions, but you need to get a solicitor NOW and go after him with guns blazing. What an absolute fucking prick.

Do not put his name on the birth cert.

What a loser.

Dear OP I feel like I could have wrote this post myself. I am 6 months pregnant and my partner of 6 years left me just before I found out I was pregnant. We were trying for this baby and since then he has been horrible. He had said some nasty things to me and blows hot and cold
Constantly. He told me he would support me but has caused me so much pain and heartache and it hasn't once made him feel guilty or upset that he had affected my mental health. I have had to get a mortgage on my own and I am currently in the process of moving house and financially I am
Not sure how I will cope.

I too do not know the answers as whether he should come to the birth. At the minute I am just trying to not contact him and try get through these new 3 months. It has been the worst struggle of my life and has taken away all the happiness I should have been feeling being pregnant for the first time. I really hope you get through this, I don't know how I'm going to continue coping so I know how you feel.

Once our wee babies are here I hope all this pain and anger is forgotten about for both of us.. much love

IF they are married, not only will the father's name be on the birth certificate, but in principle he could register the birth himself without the mother even being present.

Over 90% of giving birth is about you - in pain, undignified and trying to get through it the best way you can. There's no way I'd have an ex in the same room as me. You want to be in a place where you can relax and not feel stressed, if he's adding to that, then sorry but no. Seeing his baby being born is a privilege not a right. By all means he can sit and wait in the cafeteria, and be called up once the baby is born. But do what's right for you. Only you and your baby count here.... ignore what he wants and do what's right for you.

Oh and I so would put your maiden name on the birth certificate. Go back to it now if you can. You will be the child's primary carer, and given how flaky he has been so far, I wouldn't make guarantees he is in for the long haul... so make life easier for yourself. Have the same name as your child. It will be easier for you and them in the long run. Think travelling abroad etc...

And make sure you register the birth quick!

@waterSpider I don’t think that’s true about his name being on the birth certificate just because they’re married. There are lots of abandoned married women who have omitted names of wandering spouses.

Quite honestly he has shown himself up as being useless and unsupportive. I would not be able to gorgive that. My first husband did the same thing, abandoned us when my son was born.
Don't let him come to the birth and do not trust your post birth hormones, stay strong.
After the birth you will be overjoyed with your child and you will want everyone to love your baby, this makes you very vulnerable.
Don't lose sight of the fact that he was unsupportive when you needed him. Leopards never change their spots.
Don't be fooled into thinking he will change.

Hi OP, many years ago (22) I was in a similar situation. We had been together eight years but we're not married but all the termination requests, moving out etc were the same - he even looked into having the baby adopted.

He wasn't excited before the birth though, so that part is different. We were also working overseas so I didn't really have options of having anyone else at the birth. I was fine on my own and friends came the next day. I did put his name on the birth certificate but DD had and still has my surname.

I encouraged a relationship between him and DD for years and frankly behaved with pathetic gratitude if he showed even the slightest interest. He didn't pay maintenance, saw her if he felt like it (hardly ever) and I returned to the UK when DD was five and he hasn't seen her since.

If he'd been keen to have any input, I would have been happy with that - but looking back with hindsight, I would have kept it on my terms.

I would most definitely not have him at the birth. Birth isn't a spectator sport. The birth partner is there to support you, and he'll hardly do that.