I have been married for 3 years and will my husband for 7 years, we have a 4yr old and a 14mo. We are essentially just in the roommate situation, very little communication and if it is about kids or just general day to day. Non-existent sex life (nearly 2 years) there has been no trying on either end.... I think I could also be in love with someone else.
So a bit of a backstory, 9 years ago my and my friend developed a friends with benefits situation, he lived away and would only see each other every second weekend although we spoke constantly over phone and message, we have lots of mutual friends and when out with everyone we were just that only sometimes did we show affection in front of others (more in the later stages of the two years It went on). I developed feelings very quickly but he wasn’t in a good place for a committed relationship or mentally so I never pressed it. When he left to go abroad for 6 months we would write to each other daily, in these letters he had said he was wanting to give our relationship a proper go when he got back but if I met someone then that’s ok. I met someone else which was just casual but we developed a quick relationship and was able to offer me all the things I had wanted for so long, a committed and stable relationship, marriage and kids in near future.
After a two and a half together we got pregnant and engaged and started planning our wedding. As things got closer I did start having hesitations and would think about my friend, who ended up finding a partner himself. We tried to keep in touch but it wasn’t often we would see each other - I saw his family more often who would always invite me to family events and visited when I had my girls. Before I got married we ended up in a pub together and had a long hug and without saying (or doing) anything we each knew how there was still feelings there.... anyway. I chalked my feelings up to just standard cold feet that other people have and it was just wedding stress, I couldn’t cancel the wedding as people were coming from all over the world to come.
I know my husband loves me and I don’t think he actually notices that we have very little conversation or affection. I have just gotten use to the way of living, we are both dedicated parents and I guess make a good team, we never have arguments (ever) so it’s not noticeably a toxic household for the children. He recently went away for two weeks and I didn’t miss him at all we only have two 5 minute conversations per day and that was to say good morning/goodnight to the kids.
I feel like I want more in a relationship, affection, love, attention, a want to be together to hold hands and kiss.... are these things the stuff or real relationships or am I blinded by Instagram and fake relationships?
I just don’t know whether to make a conscious effort to try when I feel like I have given up. My life is hard but pretty easy just now and I know I will struggle should we not be together as I put my career on hold, neither of us have savings so are just living pay check to pay check. The kids are happy and to do that to them fills me with guilt... but I know that’s not a reason to stay!
Since summer my friend and his gf broke up and he moved closer to home and got in touch with a few of the friends so we started to see each other on social occasions and sometimes out with the kids, all only friendly and supportive of each other. We ended up the other week, I didn’t let it get further but we had both had too much to drink, we started to speak about everything and he told me he loved me (I reciprocated) and said he was so sorry for mucking me around those years ago, it’s always only been me.
I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s really made me confront all the feelings... or lack of for my husband but I just don’t know if it’s just a rose tinted glasses situation with him, I wouldn’t want to leave my husband for him (or anyone) as I think that would be too much pressure to put on us, but I know that we are so drawn to each other it would be hard not to start something specially as we have always relied on being able to help each other emotionally through situations.
I just don’t know, I may still be in my bubble from having my latest baby and maybe I’m just feeling like this because of that, or because I haven’t tried to make an effort....
I’m not too sure if this makes sense, I just don’t know where my head and brain is at.
I told a few of my friends (ones outside the mutual friends) who basically all thought it was going to happen at some point as they could always tell when we were together there was something there. My mum warned me when we became close friends again that I was playing with fire... I dismissed her... why do mums always know! Haha
Anyway, has anyone had these feelings and be able to recommit to create a happy marriage?