Any advice on how to explain divorce (not ours!) to a 4-year old?

[SouthLondonDaddy]

Not sure if this is the best sub-forum, or if it's meant mostly for people discussing their own separations/ divorces.

Luckily, we are not getting divorced! But our 4-year old has been asking lots of questions about divorced couples.
She hasn’t realised that the parents of some of her school friends are divorced, because the parents of the kids she hangs out the most with aren’t, so for now the questions revolve around the divorced couples she has seen: all older couples with adult children; in other words, she hasn’t (yet) asked what happens to the children when the parents divorce, but we guess she will soon.

Questions have been very generic, of the type you'd expect from a 4-year old: why does such and such have a new wife, does such and such kiss both the new and the old husband, etc.

Also, she hasn’t (yet) asked: “if it happened to such and such, can it also happen to my parents?” but of course we guess she will soon. I must confess we’d have little to no clue how to answer these questions if she were to ask them now.

There is a lot of material advice books etc on how to tell your children you’re getting divorced, but much less on how to explain the concept generally, and possibly how to reassure your children you aren’t.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

I think you can answer questions as they arise. I think the main thing to remember is that adults can stop loving each other but parents NEVER stop loving their children. I always say 'daddy and I are not planning to divorce, we love each other very much' but never promise we never will.

What are her questions?

Let her lead and don’t over-explain. Answer directly.

Do mention to her that not everyone lives with a ‘mummy and daddy’: single parents, same sex couples, death of a parent, foster children, extended family, etc.

Families are different. At 4yo she’ll understand simple, clear answers.

@simkin, on one hand I understand what you're saying, on the other hand I wonder if that kind of answer is more appropriate for older children, and if a 4-yr old doesn't need more reassuring, even if through the form of a white lie like saying we won't get divorced. Tough!

@riggins, we don't want to overexplain. We just want to be ready if/when she asks more direct, more difficult questions. So far her questions have been very basic and she seems satisfied with very simple answers:

Why does X live with [new wife]? Did she live with [old wife] before? Yes, X has a new wife and now lives with her.

Does A give kisses to both her new husband and her old husband? Now, she gives kisses only to her new husband.

But, like I said, we really wouldn't know how to answer more difficult questions, like:

Why does one get a new wife/husband? Whose fault is it? If it happened to them, can it happen to you, too? Etc

We don't want to touch these topics unless she explicitly brings them up - we would like to be ready if/when she does.

I don't think this will go down well with the "UNLUCKY" posters asking for advice tbh

I think you’re over thinking it. Sometimes people fall out. If they don’t want to live together any more they get divorced.
They carry on being parents but they live apart.

I doubt she will ask more complex questions for now. If I were you though I would answer them with a simplified version of the truth. You decide on what you say about you divorcing (though I really wouldn't say we never will, it's your choice isn't it. I'd probably fudge it a bit personally). As I said the main thing is promising that you will never stop loving her.

Why does one get a new wife/husband? Whose fault is it? If it happened to them, can it happen to you, too? Etc

Sometimes the answer is “I don’t know. What do you think?”

I don't think this will go down well with the "UNLUCKY" posters asking for advice tbh

Fair enough, louise, but OP stated she didn’t know if she was on the right section of mumsnet.

OP wasn’t having a go at divorced or separated posters. OP has left the door open for the 4yo as she’s not making promises about the marriage.

OP is asking advice about dealing with a child. This doesn’t need to be a bun fight.