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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband walked out

20 replies

Aoife2016 · 26/11/2019 22:06

I was hoping someone could help or if anyone could shed some light on my situation.

My husband and I have been together for nearly 11 years and married for 8, we have a daughter together who is nearly 4.

In May this year I found out my husband had been texting another women, it was awful and I thought my world had ended. We agreed to work on things and try to put it behind us.
We went away to Florida in the July and the holiday was hard and just awful as things were still really awkward between us.
Once we returned home I then found out my husband had been using snapchat to contact another woman, or maybe the same person I still don't know.

Anyway he missed our little girls 1st day at nursery as he decided he needed a boys surfing holiday and disappeared to Portugal for 4 days. When he returned he decided he didn't want to be married anymore and moved to his parents.
He has only been out of the family home for 8 weeks (ish) and I have received divorce papers already. The divorce papers blame me for everything and im just so confused and hurt.

Please could someone help with some advice.

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 26/11/2019 22:14

What an arsehole. Do you own the house? Get some legal advice....don't sign anything yet.

Original poster
Aoife2016 · 26/11/2019 22:20

We own the house jointly. He keeps saying he wants the house sold but I really don't want to move as this is my home and our daughters home!!

OP posts:
Collision · 26/11/2019 22:25

Do you work?

He has to provide for his daughter so don’t worry too much.

Once you have your head around it make sure he sees his daughter overnight as that tends to upset the other woman for a while but it gives you some time to yourself.

vilamoura2003 · 26/11/2019 22:27

You really need to get some legal advice, lots of lawyers will give a free half an hour.

Realistically, you need to be able to afford to run the house if you intend to stay in it 👍

It's a horrible situation, I'm sorry you have to go through this - unfortunately you cannot make him be a better person 😕

A divorce petition has to be based on unreasonable behaviour if you have not been separated for a period of time (or adultery which you have not committed). The particulars do need to be unreasonable enough for the Judge to grant the divorce.

It's so hard, but try not to let it get you down - get some legal advice so you know where you stand 👍

madcatladyforever · 26/11/2019 22:28

What an absolute twat. Don;t give him anything at all, don't agree with anything. Follow your solicitors advice all the way. To hell with what he wants.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 26/11/2019 22:30

I bet he wants the house sold!

You need to see a solicitor ASAP

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/11/2019 22:33

Don’t agree to anything, Neither verbally, or in writing (including text). Seek legal advice ASAP! Don’t Leave your house.

Original poster
Aoife2016 · 26/11/2019 22:36

I do work but I only work 12 hours a week so my wage doesn't cover the mortgage never mind the bills. I have applied for universal credit so will have to see what comes from that.
He is being really awkward with our daughter too when we arrange for him to have her he changes his plans at the last minute and says he can't have her. He works away but lately he is never home

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 26/11/2019 22:37

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It must be such a shock. Get a solicitor.

It’s tempting to want to sort things out amongst yourself but remember that you are really on the back foot here. You have no idea how long he has actually planned this for. You are fighting for what you and your child need so do not ever attempt that without proper legal help.

BillHadersNewWife · 26/11/2019 22:41

Does he earn well? It's possible that he will have to let you stay in the house. At least till' DD is 16 or so.

champagneandfromage50 · 26/11/2019 22:42

See a solicitor. Do not let your DH re write history. He is a cheat but in his own head trying to justify it by Blaming you. His inability to stick to seeing his own DC is rather sad. Keep a record of it. However you need to snap out of victim mode and get into protective mode for your DD. See a solicitor and work out what your entitled to and that should be your only focus and protecting your DC from his crap behaviour. Please remind yourself that he has run home to his parents and painted you as the bad guy and they will believe him

Original poster
Aoife2016 · 26/11/2019 22:42

Yeah he is on a really good salary. I think I need to seek some legal advice ASAP cos I feel as though he is going to walk all over me cos he knows I can't afford to stay in this house.

OP posts:
over50andfab · 26/11/2019 22:48

OP this sounds like a big shock for you. I hope you have family/friends around to support you.

What are the grounds for divorce in the papers you’ve received? It’s not something that just happens at the click of a finger. As others have said, get some advice on this, and whatever you do, do not believe anything your H tells you. The next time he tells you you’ll have to sell the house, say you are taking advice on this.

It’s sounds wrong, but it’s pretty irrelevant who did what when getting a divorce and makes no difference as to who gets what. It is the children’s needs that are most important, that they are housed, clothed, fed etc.

Original poster
Aoife2016 · 26/11/2019 22:56

It was a huge shock, he was / still is my whole world. We've been together since I was 19 and now im 30.
The grounds he has put was my behaviour which was awful to read as its all lies.

OP posts:
Chocmallows · 26/11/2019 22:58

When my ex left he turned really nasty and 4 years on he still hates me as family responsibility wasn't for him!

I wish someone had said at the time do not expect him to be reasonable, at all, ever. I think your ex for whatever reason has found family life isn't what he wants and he is blaming you. Expect him to be nasty and arm yourself:

  1. Do not agree to sell the house or anything without checking your rights
  2. Negotiate in advance when DD is free during the week, if he changes his mind don't rearrange he just loses time
  3. When you talk, always start with "DD would like/needs"...put her best interests first and log every key time you do this (if it goes to court this will help)
  4. Don't be afraid of legal advice or court (I represented myself in court completely based on DC best interests and the judges made sure I knew what was going on and even my ex's solicitor seemed to be helping me...It all went in my DC favour)

You will get through this because you have to, but don't blame yourself or give yourself a hard time along the way because he has turned out to be a twat.

Original poster
Aoife2016 · 26/11/2019 23:03

Thank you so much everyone for your help and advice! At the moment I feel like my world has ended but I will keep pushing through this.

OP posts:
stucknoue · 26/11/2019 23:28

Hugs. You need a good divorce lawyer! He's not going to play fair. He needs to ensure that you are able to be housed but if you need to claim benefits you are better renting as they cover rent (but not mortgage payments). His salary will affect how much maintenance so try and get as much info as possible. Once your dd is at school uc will expect you to work more hours so it's worth starting to explore whether you can support yourself thus whether keeping the house is a possibility

Chocmallows · 27/11/2019 00:01

You can ask the CSA to assess him but pay you directly at first as otherwise (If they collect and pay you) there are administrative costs. If he stops paying maintenance they can then deduct from his wages.

Solitaryradiator · 29/11/2019 13:10

Do not get hung up on what he’s put down for unreasonable behaviour, it’s ultimately irrelevant and the only person that sees it is a court assistant. He’s an arsehole but you need to be focused on sorting out the financials and making sure you and your children are ok. Don’t engage in any dialogue with him, especially not written, until you see a solicitor. Before you go write down all your assets, salaries etc

Good luck

Solitaryradiator · 29/11/2019 13:11

And your world hasn’t ended. You’ve been set free from a nasty piece of work. This is your opportunity to fly

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