Boundaries and ex husband

[Standinguptononsense]

Brief background.

Separated from ex husband for 4.5 years. Left as he was very emotionally and financially abusive. Full on narcissist and misogynistic. Have 2 DS 7 and 8.

I have moved on, happily remarried.

We went to court on the boys and now have a court order in place. He constantly uses the boys to continue his cycle of abuse towards me. I get drawn into arguments over email/WhatsApp as I try to resolve things. We go round in circles and his abusive nature continues. Hes always right. He twists and distorts the truth and he questions (in a condescending way) everything I do.

I am trying to put some boundaries in place in terms of how and when he can contact me - aibu and what is the best way to do this?

Has anyone been through similar experiences? If I could go no contact I would.

This is my exact story - I could have written it myself. Abusive Ex controlling me through the kids for 3 years now. Sending me rude, aggressive, abusive comms, creating problems and issues at every turn. We have both moved on with new partners (him on his 3rd wife) yet the abuse and controlling behavior continues - which is symptomatic of narcissistic abuse. Coparenting is an absolute nightmare / impossible

I have tried everything to get him to stop, I set up a dedicated email address only used by him where my DP would read the emails and only tell me what I needed to know re the kids arrangements, leaving all the other BS out but his messing and meddling with arrangements to have us running around in circles continued. I also spoke to the police to get a restraining order although that is hard to prove so haven't persued that.

In the end a couple of things have worked for me. In our 2nd court hearing (he has taken me to court twice over the kids arrangements), I asked for an undertaking to be added stating that I would only speak to his wife from her work email address - I asked for this as I thought she wouldn't be stupid enough to harrass me from work. ExH and new wife have now written to me via a lawyer saying that they don't want to use this arrangement but because it's in a court order I am insisting this plan remain and am well protected. For the time being life is blissfully quiet.

And secondly I got some EMDR therapy which means that now I couldn't care less about their idiotic tactics!

Thank you for taking the time to reply! Yes the email sounds like a plan. I have set one up so will just use that ans only check when I want to as opposed to having it come through my phone all of the time.

I have also blocked him on WhatsApp and will only unblock when he has the kids.

Whata the therapy? How long did you go for?

Yes, the dedicated email works well. Block him from your phone otherwise he is in your face the whole time. I told my exH that we (me and my DP so he knew another person was viewing his rudeness) would only be checking the email once a day and would reply within 24 hours. My kids have their own phones now and can call me if they need anything urgently. These characters just want a direct line into your life to harrass you and you must put up barriers to stop that and be very clear.

The EMDR is a therapy that reduces your physical reaction to his behaviour. In my case whenever I saw an email from my ExH I would feel physically sick which is a complete 'fight or flight' response to being under constant attack from him. The therapy reduces my terror and now I actually don't feel anything physically when I have to interact with him. I only needed 6 sessions - it is so quick and effective. I would recommend anyone in this situation doing it - I wish I'd done it a year ago. Absolute game changer.

We could literally be the same person!! Did you pay privately to have it done?

I'm going to email him now from the new email account - did you set out the boundaries in the first email?

You stick rigidly to the court order and refer back to that.

If the CO isn't rigid enough and there is "to be agreed" consider going back to court and get that take out. Will be shit in many ways such as zero flexibility around holiday dates but probably the only way to massively reduce interaction.

You will never be able to co-parent or compromise or negotiate with him. I would do your best to limit the time he has the the DC to protect them

What contact is set out at the moment? What is he trying to do change?

I do stick to the order. His interpretation is the issue. He changes to suit him.

He has them 6/14 nights so quite a bit. I cant reduce as we have an order. I wish I could.

So the order isn't explicit enough, then go back to court and have it clarified.

In your email I would state.

I have clarified with my solicitor the interpretation of the CO is x y x. If you wish to deviate from this then you will need to take it back to court. My email for emergencies is now abc.com there is no communication required about the CO as we both need to follow it without changes.

It's very to advise without knowing what the CO stipulates and how open to interpretation it could be.

Any emails you receive you don't argue Just grey rock. Solicitor has clarified CO to be interpreted x y z (no other comment).

Better still can you ask his solicitor for his interpretation of the CO so you can abide by it?

So as an example for christmas hols it says to be split evenly, so I have sent a proposal which obviously he disagrees with. We now have exchanged over 100 emails about the days etc. He pushes constantly for his way all the time, no compromise. Christnas eve, day and boxing day are in the order so that's easier. Hes now brought ted days into it which are irrelevant but another way to disagree and draw out the process

We dont have solicitors anymore. The order has been in place 3 years. Although he did take me back to courr last year as he wanted a spreadsheet with who took them to drs, dentist, hair appointments and when they got their feet measured and when....needless to say the judge asked him to withdraw his own application in front of me as it was nonsense. He still believes he won that day....

You need to take it back to court then. Too late to do anything for this year I should think.

You need the CO to be utterly rigid I'm afraid.

Presumably he will just not return them so is there any point arguing? He will do what he wants regardless.

He needs to return them xmas day, so if he doeant agree then he wont get them in between xmas and new year.

On a positive note you have plenty of written evidence that he is unreasonable.

When is the next time after Xmas day that you "have" to hand them over?

I would simply give him options of when he can pick them up (2 or 3 including CO day) and say it's up to him and you aren't discussing it any further.

In theory whatever is agreed between us. I guess I could go back and resort to general time as per the order in term time?

I don't know 🤷🏽‍♀️ but it sounds as though the CO is too woolly to be of use with a narcissistic or very controlling Ex.

Thing is if you come across as completely chill and "ok yeah" does that take the wind out of his sails?

I would only dig in when it's something for the DC that they directly benefit from. Only day to see their wider family that they are looking forward to, or a best friends birthday party.

That way you can show that you are reasonable and flexible and that he is always difficult unless he he is getting what he wants.

With DC so young it's worth going back to court and ok you end up with a ridiculously prescriptive CO but he removes his power and you can then plan your life...

My concern with going back to court they will give him 50 50 which isn't good for the kids.

It makes no difference how I respond. Hes always an arse

Yep indeed.

OP yes we are exactly the same!! My ExH constantly badgering for 50/50, - we settled on him having them 6/14 so he has them a lot. My CO was loose with things like handover days so for example it stated the boys would be handed over to me in the morning. I would ask for that time to be 10am but he would reply that it would be 11.59 which is technically the end of the morning. The holiday schedule was a nightmare to resolve.

Going back to court for the second time allowed me to lock down a lot of these niggles - don't be afraid of it as it can be so useful to iron everything out and the judges want to see resolution not conflict so can help.

The other thing is that he is trying to get you to engage - he needs your attention hence the 100+ emails about Xmas - that is not normal behaviour by any standards, so hard as it is just try and ignore the unimportant stuff even when he is goading you for a fight. He is loving it whilst you hate it. Pick your battles. I have let go of so much just because I don't want the argument anymore.

PM me as it sounds like we were married to the same piece of work!

Thank you, that means a lot!!!

The original post is similar to what I came on here thinking about writing, but reading that a few of you are going through it may be helpful for my mental health. I just had a particularly nasty email and it still gets to me. I'm approaching 4 years apart (divorced) now and my ex hates my guts.

He was abusive and left me when I found out about his affair. Over the 4 years he has threatened me and contradicted himself:
-To never see the DC / go for full custody
-Said I don't work enough/I should cover all holidays and illness
-Never attends consultant meets for DC with learning needs &denied him medication/said I dont look after DC health
-Writes regular hateful messages on me letting DC down/tells me I message too much when I ask him to confirm holiday dates

He took me to court and despite everything going in my favour (as I follow DC best interests) in his mind he says they told me off!

My DC are let down by having a dad who is focused on being nasty to me more than putting them first. There is nothing I can do to make him stop.

Sorry I dont have anything constructive to say, I just know how sad and frustrating it can feel.

@Chocmallows it would be good if you could have auto forward to a friend/family member who will only ask you for info about dates when an email needs replying to.

Is that possible?

Thanks RM, I tried that: all messages went through my partner, but then he started to be nasty to my partner and then not reply and so I created a new email address in the DC name and my outward messages go through that, but he still emails me on both emails and he uses the children being ill and school updates to add nasty messages. He won't reply about holiday dates, but later in the year I know he will say I have asked him too late.

He hates me because he cannot control me and in 10 years of our marriage he had full control. I even had to say getting pregnant with our first was a mistake to everyone (he had said we could try) and pretend not to be pregnant with our second when I was with him as he didn't like to look at me pregnant. I used to dread opening my wardrobe, because he said I never dressed right and should have plastic surgery (I'm size 10-12). Although I have a professional role, he said I wasn't ambitious and was lazy. The DC and house were my job and he could have weekends away.

Writing this down is actually helping as I realise the reason I am hurt by the messages now is that he continues to be able to abuse me, albeit from a distance.

Roll on your DC being adults and never having to deal with him ever again!!

Yes RM sadly this is the truth I am trying to get my head around. I'm also hoping in 5 years when they're both teens that all communication will go through them and things will get easier!