Divorce after cheating years ago... is it unfair?

[MamaBee14]

Hi mums! My DH was a "serial cheater" for the first 2 years of our marriage. It was ugly and we temporarily spearated, but ultimately decided to mend things.

4 years later, I still hold a lot of resentment and it's like everything he does wrong is amplified in my head.

I have been to therapy for this, I no longer worry about him cheating, and he over-all isn't a bad guy now. But I don't think I will ever feel in love with him again. My friends say that essentially I made my decision years ago and it would be wrong and unwarranted to leave him now (we are Christian and believe in only certain validations for divorce).

He does not want to go to counseling together and has made that clear. He says he has fixed his issues on his own and doesn't understand why 4 years hasn't helped me moved past the past.

I would love to hear some outside, unbiased opinons on this.

In my experience this hurt never goes away. My ex husband was also a serial cheater , and even after 20 years I still get angry when I think of it. I also tried to forgive and move on, but I just couldn't and 15 years ago I left him for these actions which had happened years before.

The idea that I shouldn't have done so , because of the timeline, would never have stopped me. He did try that suggestion that "it's all in the past ! why leave me now when it happened years ago !" etc. I wasn't having any of it. He was still the same person - it wasn't a stranger who lied and cheated, it was him . And I didn't want to continue being married to that man .

I just don't get the "we're Christian so we can't divorce" thing. He was presumably a Christian when he was having sex with another woman - it didn't stop him . So it just seems very convenient that these "Christian" beliefs should now stop you from divorcing him.

Don't shackle yourself to a man who not only cheated over 2 years, but now sees no value in your feelings. I'd leave him just on that basis alone - he doesn't respect you and just expects you to soldier on because it suits him . Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Surely adultery is a reason for separation even if you are Christian?

If you can't get over his betrayal - and why should you - then your marriage is over. Do you really want to spend the next 40 years with someone you don't love?

The damage was not done by you, sit him down and explain your feelings.
He's not willing to seek any possible help via counselling to repair and work through the problems he's caused.
Don't waste another 4 years of agonising in a loveless marriage as it will eat away your self-esteem and personality x

OP sounds like he is minimising his behaviour and expecting you to accept it regardless. 4 years is still very soon for such a betrayal. Has he ever had counselling? He can't 'fix this' on his own, does he understand why he behaved this way?
I have a particular issue with religious men who tell women what they should think. You don't feel you can divorce for religious reasons, but adultary is a sin in the eyes of God. He is the sinner, not you, you are the marter. You can leave this relationship whenever you choose, he broke the rules and wants you to turn a blind eye to his disgusting behaviour and is not prepared to support you through your recovery. If I were you I would get counselling to support you through the process of leaving this marriage that your husband damaged and is not prepared to fix on your terms.

If you don't tackle the cause of the pain, it will never go away, no matter how deep you bury it.
If he's not willing to acknowledge how much pain he's caused you by refusing to go to therapy, he's the one essentially ending the marriage not you. He was the one who broke your christian commitment by having sex with a woman who wasn't you. Don't spend the rest of your life in bitter miserable marriage, all because it suits him quite nicely. He did get his cake and eat if after all. Be the strong Christian woman who demands fairness and equality, and LEAVE if he isn't willing to work on this.

Thank you. However, he has not used his Christianity as a reasoning against divorce nor brought it into arguments or used it as a tool. It is my friends who have said I "missed my chance" and chose forgiveness instead of divorce.

You couldn’t use adultery in a petition though as you’ve lived together for too long since it happened.

You tried forgiving, for 4 whole years. If your friends put their faith above your happiness, find new friends.

Why do you 'no longer worry about his cheating'?
Is this because you believe he's one very lonely leopard who has changed his spots, or because you've resigned yourself to it?
My experience, cheaters are cheaters - they don't change
Stuff Christianity nonsense, you're unhappy, go and sort this out in your life, whether that's with him or without him

You have shitty friends. Perhaps you could suggest that they marry him.

"Christain" my arse.

@custardbear because he did truly change after we separated for a bit. He flipped his whole life upside down. For the next couple years straight I was checking his phone...the phone bill.... being obsessively crazy and continuously found nothing. Even now I sometimes check and there's always nothing. Plus, I know where he is all the time now because he is quite the homebody now. I do know for 100% fact he isn't cheating. Had he always been how he is now, we would be thriving in marriage. My confusion stems from being stuck on what happened early in our marriage and not being able to move past it.

I’m sorry op, this sounds like a very difficult situation for you.

I’m a Christian myself, independent baptist. I have seen the devastating hurt that cheating spouses can cause, having no fear of God. God never intended people to have to live through this hurt, by Old Testament law the penalty for cheating on your spouse was a death sentence. It is a sin to divorce your husband, and he was the one that committed this sin, not you, God will judge him, you don’t have to divorce him if you felt you could move past this. But at the same time, I don’t know if I could personally move past this, it would take a lot of work, it’s up to you op.

- Btw here’s a link to a basic gospel presentation that can give you assurance you’ll go to heaven when the time comes, sharing this with you because no one told me when I was in Church of Scotland how easy it is to get to heaven. I’m sorry you’re going through this, op. :(

@MamaBee14 I can understand your feelings. I'm a year deep into a separation and divorce proceedings have just started, I'm a Christian, ex h is not. I don't feel like your friends are being fair, adultery is really the only grounds for a "biblical" divorce, and that has been the case, you've tried for 4 years! I tried for 10 years and never could get over it, more fool me for staying for so long.

People from my church know my circumstances and I've not had anyone show any signs of disapproval understanding my situation.

I felt the same as you. I decided to stay with my partner who had lied to me and cheated and then years later our relationship was tested and I realised I ultimately didn’t trust him. I felt awful as it had been over five years but we separated.
I think your friends are giving you very unhelpful advice. They don’t have to live in the situation you are in. You have agency and you can make this decision whenever you want to

Am interested to hear this OP. Found out my DH cheated last January .Went to therapy . I am still here because if circumstances but want a divorce as soon as things change.
Because I know that I will NEVER get over this. I don't trust or believe anything he says and I know I can not rely on him .
And yet , my family members think I should forgive and move on. So for your friends to suggest that there is a time limit for the distrust to pass is ridiculous.
I too , am a Christian. But I don't believe that God would encourage a human to remain with a person who emotionally abused them.
Your DH was not thinking of " Do unto others .." was he. And remind those friends of " Judge not , lest you be judged " . And keep their unsupportive , unhelpful opinions to themselves.

His cheating has killed your love for him. That’s not the same as being unable to forgive. You can forgive him but just not feel love for him anymore.

You have not missed your chance. You can divorce anytime because you are a free person. Christians should remember that marriages is not a licence to abuse someone. God is fine with divorce, even if some Christians aren’t.

If you are thinking of divorcing him and are not happy. It sounds like you are not happy, you are the one that had to go to therapy. I suggest start the divorce process. Remember the divorce through the legal system is a piece of paper. If you believe in God, a piece of paper will not divorce you in the eyes of God. You can legally divorce him, but still continue a relationship with him. Posting this here to show you there are different ways of looking at the problem. Good luck I hope you find some sort of peace regardless of how you progress it.

Not sure where you are but if in england you have missed your chance. You can divorce on grounds of adultery up to 6 months after finding out.