Husband left and I'm lost

[Lw1986]

Hi

I dont know really know where to start, my husband and I have been together 18 years and have 2 teenage children we have been together since we were 14 and he is my entire world.

4 weeks ago my he left me he was angry because of financial issues he said he needed some space and he started a trial seperation to last 4 weeks but as the days went on he said he was no longer angry but hadn't woken up and thought he missed me so shouldn't come home, he said he is no longer angry he loves me but isnt in love with me (whatever the hell that means) so he said 2 weeks into the seperation that he isnt going to be home in the 4 weeks we said at the start.

He said he would be willing to try counselling because we are not getting anywhere as we are and he doesn't want to just throw 18years away but I really dont feel like he is going to come home ever i think he could be doing counselling just to get me and the family off his back

my heart is broken and I dont know what to do with myself.

I have dreams of crashing my car not to die but to injure myself so he realises what he is throwing away

He has now moved into a rented house I have been there today and it was heart breaking I just want him to come home how can we work on our relationship when he isnt here.

He said we dont make time for each other and dont communicate anymore but this is the first time I have heard any of this why not speak to me before leaving

I feel like after 18 years it's not IN love anymore it's much deeper it isnt butterflies in your stomach and fireworks its respect and friendship and a million other things.

In leaving he has taken all my hope's and dreams for the future with him

I'm sorry I'm rambling I just dont know what to do with myself. I want more than anything for him to come home.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I’m dealing with a similar thing although we’ve not been married half as long as you.

I know it’s really really hard but please try and overcome those thoughts you are having. Maybe going to see your GP would help, and finding someone to talk to? That’s what I’m considering.

Ultimately the best thing you can do is look after yourself. Whether he sees this and realises what he’s missing and comes home or this continues and you part ways for good, if you feel better about yourself it’s only going to be good for you. Remember to eat, drink plenty of water and get fresh air.

Lean on those who can support you and remember you’re not alone even when it feels like it.

Thank you for your advice, I'm sorry your going through the same.

I'm not suicidal I dont want anyone to worry but you are right that maybe by being strong and getting on with things will make him realise.

I know I need to do these things for myself and I do try but it's hard especially the evenings

I've joined a choir, got a dog and spent more time with friends and family. Also I'm doing a course at work that needs a lot of study. I also do a yoga class as often as I can. And I have a craft based hobby. And a full time job. And I have plans to join a walking club and / or learn to dance when my course has finished.
See where I'm going with this?
It was nearly 30 years for me. It's heartbreaking and terrifying but you can go on and build a life for yourself.

And I'm sorry but I'd be surprised if there isn't an OW.

He hasn't taken your dreams, only the person who would have been standing next to you while you made them happen for yourself. You can still make your dreams reality.
When my first husband left, I made a list of everything I'd wanted to do that he hadn't wanted to do. Then I made plans to do them all. I had a very busy, liberating, empowering few years!

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is a bereavement and you need to grieve. Be kind to yourself. Make sure you eat and drink when you can.

Get support around you from family and friends. Go to your gp. And look into counselling for you. A safe place for you to work things out.

Now to get practical. Start shifting his stuff. He has a place so get it packed up. Move things around at home. Buy new bedding. Paint a wall. Take pictures down. Anything to make it different. Show Him what it is going to be like.

Don't be part of his network. When my ex left he was still expecting me to do his admin. Pay his phone bills and car insurance etc. And didn't understand why I didn't want to do it.

Go through the bills. Cut what can. Council tax reduction for single adult. See if you are entitled to any benefits. Turn2us website will help you. And child support through cms. Do not compromise on this one. That choice cost me very dearly and 2 years on I'm still waiting for money. Despite promisers

Contact with the children needs to be in place eow is the usual. I know it will be the hardest thing you will do but send them off with a smile and let him do some parenting. Get a routine in place. This will help you in the long run.

I know you don't want to do any of these things. You want your old. Safe life back. But from the sounds of it he has been preparing for this for a while. Go as low contact as you can.

Get legal advice as necessary. Gather payslips pension statements etc and get free first appointment. Be armed with what you need to know now moving forward.

You will get through this because what is the alternative. It takes time. There are no short cuts. I echo there being ow. You have read enough mn to know that. So keep your guard up. And just take things Day by days.

Thank you all for your advice and kind words.

I am hoping we have counselling and he comes home but I know I need to prepare myself for that not happening.

I have thought several times that there must be someone else because I cant understand him leaving he says he has been unhappy for a while but he is one damn good actor because none of our close family and friends saw this coming. The week before he left we had just got back from a week abroad just the 2 of us and we have a lovely time.

I would never find out if there was someone else our son is 17 and has made comments over the years that if either of us ever cheated he would cut contact with that parent so he would never admit it and if he was messaging anyone it would be on what's app so without having the phone there is no way to check.

I need to try and concentrate on me and the children but I miss him so much