Still together unwillingly

[PasturesN3w]

Still in the same home waiting to get divorced. It's not especially acrimonious but it's turgid and hideous. Our days play-out like a tragicomedy. The strange secrecy around each other - hiding paperwork, hiding emails. Tip-toeing around being overly polite. Making each other cups of tea and saying 'here you are' brightly with awkward fake smiles (which I pour it down the sink because I irrationally think he's poisoning me!) Driving to mediation together, me sobbing through the whole thing and then we drive home together feeling utterly wrung-out. Finding horrible, 'how to screw-your-spouse-over' notes made in Solicitors' meetings and feeling like you've been hit round the face with a wet fish. So the secrecy gets worse. Then he makes a meal and it's back to 'Sir is all politeness!" And crocodile smiles. Hideous! There's no such thing as an amicable divorce, I know, I'm apparently having one- wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy!

Ugh. I feel your pain. DH and I are separating after 15 years together, ten married. I pulled the plug, so to speak, after the exposure of yet more lies. This was the proverbial nail in the coffin but there have been several panel pins too!

He's sad and uncommunicative. Three of us (DD is 8) all still under one roof and he says he's not ready to talk. We're doing this awful dance around each other and he's 'performance' parenting our daughter so grunting monosyllabic utterances in my direction then sing-songing to DD. She feels sorry for him but if she knew the extent to which he'd risked her future, she'd not feel so sorry. But she's 8 so cupboard love works and I'll the baddie. Still stand by my decision and it's not acrimonious for now but god I'm pissed off!!

Sorry. Made this about me and my woes. Only 3-4 weeks into the separation. Can't see a change to living arrangements any time soon. How far in are you?

I'm here too.

We're tied in to a lease until end of August that neither of us could afford alone (well, we could, but not without serious impact on daily life)

We both have serious family shit going on at home (we live overseas) - both our mothers are seriously ill and we don't want to worry them so have told nobody until its kinda formalised and/or things improve for them

He's living in the spare room, having spent shitloads of money on new furniture - his money, and of course it'll be his bedroom when we properly separate, but i can't say I'm not bitter that I'm in the cheapo 10 year old Ikea stuff.

He gets arsey if I'm sitting messaging anyone, especially if I end up smiling at my phone (which shock horror, there are times that I may get a message from a man that makes me smile ). Equally I get stressed when he's doing the same.

I have angry outbursts at him every 7-10 days or so, because it was him fucking someone else. It was him who has killed my self esteem. It was him who has wasted my child bearing years (I have never wanted children, but who knows... maybe I didn't because I subconsciously didn't want them with him).

We're about 6 months in

So sorry. I'm in similar situation. Divorcing , living together, pretending to be 'friends'. It's emotionally draining. Just wanted to say you're not alone.

Good to know dorothy

I’m in the same position , I’ve told him we can’t go on like this , he said no, then would not say anything more. we’ve been together 30 years, married for 20, we don’t communicate, I don’t think he can, I’ve given up trying. We sleep in the same bed as far as we can away from each other . I’ve sent him a text to say we need to separate and we need to talk to decide what to do, he text back “ok” and then when I asked if he’d thought about it , he said “not really” and would say no more. We talk about kids and specific things to do with house or Xmas but nothing else. He tells me about things he’s doing or his hobby but would never ask about my day or anything about how I feel or what I’m doing unless it was connected to kids. We never argue , never when the kids are around which is always, and he much prefers the silent treatment anyway , it’s just a simmering resentment . We have separated before and he moved out but he hates it and wants to come home, starts talking, promising to talk more and do things together but it lasts weeks and we are back to nothing again. I want to sell house and start new somewhere that is just for me and kids but I can not afford it, I feel like I can’t make a decision on my own as I have no choices , I’m just on some weird merry go round that I cant stop.

Sweet, It sounds like your marriage is over. I know it's very sad indeed, but you have tried to talk it through and he has not taken the opportunity. He sounds very similar to my OH (emotionally constipated and very repressed). You are both utterly miserable and you need to take decisive action, and at least move out of the same bedroom, you cannot move-on in that situation. Create a physical distance between you, then ask the tough questions: Do I still love him, does he still love me, are we happy together, could we be happier apart? What do I want out of the future? How does he see the future? Then discuss kids and pets if any. Et cetera. The best of luck to you.

You don't mention children? I started the divorce and moved my youngest dd in with the oldest dd bedroom. I made dd box room into my room. I had a two ring electric oven. A cupboard with my food. A single bed. I made the salad drawer in the 'family' fridge', my fridge. I washed up my plate and cutlery when everybody else was out of the way late at night. I used the washing machine when nobody else used it. I handed over 'rent' and 'bills' money. I stayed in my room and my dd would play in there with me.
I saved for a rental. I bought charity shop kitchen ware and bed linen for the move out. It took 7 months to get it all together. I left with my dd.
I had a cardboard box for a table and hand washed laundry for a year.
The divorce was decree absolut after about 8 months and I was free. No more tears or forced fakery.
Stay strong.

So many people are being forced to live together whilst they sort out finances, I am sure this is a relatively new thing over the past 10 years? I am planning to get a loan to give H enough cash to get a decent rental whilst I get the marital home ready to sell. Its bad enough whilst he thinks I am going to just shut up and put up with this till we die (we're late 50s early 60s married 31 years!) so christ knows how it will be if I tell him and he then has to stay in the house

Urgh, me too. It's like having a bad flat mate. Am just doing my best to avoid him round the house.

Haven't told DC or families yet as it's DS's birthday next week & so close to Christmas.

Still sleeping in the same bed - have a spare room so will move in to that in new year. Although we've not had sex in over 7 years anyway.

Unfortunately the house needs to be sold & I need to move out the area. I've told him this, but at the moment it's like living in a vacuum - little communication (apart from about DC/house).

I just want it to be over, but at the same time can't face it.

Same situation here. Been in a miserable marriage for almost 10yrs (I.e. the whole marriage) and finally pulled the plug a few months ago. We haven’t mucked about so Decree Nisi will be declared 2 days before Christmas. However, still living together (he is in spare rooms) and I’m still cooking his meals, washing his pants, cleaning his loo 😩. Had one promising MIAM session and a follow up mediation meeting that was an utter waste of time. 2 daughters (aged 5&6) so doing everything we can to keep things steady for them, but it means living in a permanent state of anxiety and awkwardness. House goes on the market soon and really, really hoping it sells (and we manage to sort financial split arguments) ASAP so we can all move on. I normally love Christmas, but I’m dreading this one 🙁.

@Free83 - my H now does all his own cooking and washing, although I do a lot of the housework I force him to do some.

He's not doing basic maintenance though and if anything breaks he says we either buy new or its my fault we go without; he won't do minor repairs or get anyone in to do work.

We haven't had sex for about 15 years but currently still sharing a bed sadly (I'd rather be doing his washing etc and have my own bed if I had that choice TBH!) - he reckons I will learn to see sense, after all he's been trying to make me see how wrong I am for over 30 years now ...

Dishing your last sentence....
wow, he's been trying to get you to see sense. That's exactly it. Exactly what mine was like.

I feel all of your pain. I did three months in the house with him after I told him in counselling (after spending a fortune for him to tell me there 'can't you just accept you are wrong')
I'm very fortunate I have a good salary but I'm way over-stretching to keep paying half mortgage until settlement agreement and remortgage gets done (keeping the house for kids and safe guarding my full half equity) and renting a place. You know what it's the best thing I've ever done. Wish I'd done it sooner.

Hoping for the end for all of you to come soon x

You’re all describing how my house feels and I haven’t even had the ‘we’re splitting’ conversation yet. It’s been like this for years. All sounds awful but part of me is thinking it can’t be THAT much worse than now AND it’ll then be temporary. Sadly, I’m continuing to wimp out (for the temporary sake of other people) and will be leaving it till after Christmas.

Same here. Finance and family commitments keeping us here. Civil but I have weekly meltdowns. I worked PT on and off during 30 years. So no money available for loan to get out. Even if we sell, not enough equity to buy smaller.
Bearing the unbearable.

Living under same roof sucks!

I’m hoping to sort our finances out ASAP and he’ll move out. Been awful for too long.

Good luck all

It's really tough, we lived separate lives effectively for years. Separate rooms for 7 months after separating and he moved out 2 months ago. I had already started old at that point but I've met a lovely man, already seems like it's for the long term! Let it happen, there's someone amazing for you

Oh gosh so many of us in the same situation

My situation is, almost two years since having The I'm Done With This Conversation, he went into denial for several months and to be 'kind' I wasted almost another year trying to coax him into some sort of understanding. Didn't work, obviously.
So around a year ago I applied for the divorce. Nisi has been pronounced, but he's dragging things out big time on finances so still months to go.

He's an alcoholic - although since that first conversation he has drastically cut down on how much he drinks in front of our DC, so that's the one plus point. The dysfunctional behaviour that goes with being an addict remains in full force though of course.
He's been out of work for over a year, not contributing financially. Yes I'm still cooking meals, washing etc - because to not do so would draw too many awkward questions from DC? Create hostility and competition?
We do the merry dance too "would you like a cup of tea, the kettle is on? Oh it looks like someone has been trying to read my mail before I squirrelled it away into my secret hiding place in the car ~weird fake smile~".

When my parents split up, at least one of them had the decency to move out. The same thing has happened with every other couple I've ever known to split up.

The financial side of things makes it so difficult to split up. The mortgage on the house is 1K - I cant afford that on my own, and nor could either of us afford to pay £1500-2000 a month for a local rental.

I can't wait to get the house on the market next year. But we're going to do mediation next year to divide up assets.

This is me too. No sex for ten years. We don' t speak (my doing) have had some conversations but he is now trying...I am not...I feel a bit resentful as he could potentially have tried in the past when I asked him too, feels too late.
Been offered a rental but I don't know what to do. I can just about afford it but have no financial arrangements in place for separation/divorce...any thoughts please?