Dont know em til you divorce em

[PasturesN3w]

I am seeing STBXH in a totally different light now we're getting divorced, as if for the first time Im seeing the real him. I'm confused about things that happened in our marriage, especially recently because there've been so many lies. I try asking him questions about things that have happened, but I never ever get a straight answer. For example, this week I asked about the lack of intimacy in our marriage. I tried to ask him how he felt about it, was he unhappy at the time, why couldn't he articulate a view, but it felt like I was speaking a different language from him. A simple question would never be met with a simple answer. Id get an incoherent mumble for a couple of minutes and be none the wiser at the end. Im sure he's hiding something; I feel he's possibly seeing someone but I cannot get him to admit it. I just get blank looks to any questions. He'll wait for me to finish talking and then he'll get on with what he's doing. It's like talking to a brick wall. Its so utterly soul-destroyingly frustrating.

I cannot wait to be the other side of this divorce now. There have been half truths about money, about intimacy, about sexuality, about the past and the future; and now we are seeing a mediator, they're lies about finances too. It actually makes me doubt the 24 years we spent together. It's like his personality has been sucked out of his nose and I didnt know this Stepford person at all, theres nothing there. I'm waiting for the worms to come out of the woodwork - another person in our marriage, which would explain a great deal, but I cannot get him to admit it.

Ironically now, I don't actually care anymore. He is someone I should care about but I feel so manipulated and lied to, and I cant wait to be on stable ground, not second-guessing someone, or feeling ignored and marginalised and unimportant and invisible.

I know I'm worth so much more than this and don't need him to validate me or my future, so despite us living together for a while longer yet, I'm just going to play the game till then. No more questions. I need to stop needing to understand and just get on with the wider picture getting through to divorce.

3 years on and I can't do this either.

I think that when it's decided that the marriage is over I think the time has gone that asking questions about how they felt about things like lack of intimacy will get an answer. Those questions are when you're trying to work the marriage out.

I totally understand that you want answers especially if you are questioning his sexuality and faithfulness. I don't believe you'll get them from him. May be in time you'll discover something via a mutual friend etc.

Now is the time to look after yourself. I cant imagine how hard it will be living with him until it's sorted. It must be like torture.

I totally understand what you mean. I feel like this. You end up eyes more open to behaviour after and do question who is this person you married and I am in week 6 only!

Sadly I do think the time for questions has passed and you never know the answer to many and In a manner you need to save yourself now and think what does it matter. It’s rubbish. I know. I’m trying very hard to use this technique.

Xx

I agree with Fuzzymoon, it is too late now to be asking these questions, you should have had the conversations earlier. There will be a lot of soul searching....wondering where and why it went wrong and could both of you have done anything different. You will probably never find the answers and over time will accept this and move on. Good luck.

Even if you both felt the same about the past as it was happening, the chances are he has now rewritten it in his mind anyway to justify the bad things you have alluded he's done.

Stop asking questions as it's self torture. I know it is hard but break the habit and protect yourself from further hurt.

@Longfacenow ‘he probably rewritten it’ -Oh gosh it is just that!!!!

It is standard break up repressed/denied guilt reduction tactics I'm afraid. They don't even know they are doing it often!

Recently he has started to address me in emails with the first letter of my name: 'P you need to respond to this email' etc.

I've never been called this before, He just can't be bothered to write my full name. In the end we agreed a new 3 letter abbreviation! How ridiculous! I seem to mean so little. He's closing down all feeling and respect.

Perhaps I need to stop looking after him and cooking his meals? But its not how I roll.

OP, what the hell? Are you still living together?

He can't even be bothered to type your name and you're still cooking for him?!?!?

Why on earth are you still "looking after him and cooking his meals"??!!!

I agree with the others, it's too late too be asking for answers about your problems. Just concentrate on sorting the divorce and moving on with your life.

I cook for DS and me, I could just make it for the two of us. It seems somewhat counterproductive as we are still living off the joint account;. To alienate STBXH any more by refusing to the odd hot meal when he gets in so late, seems pointless. Im being pragmatic. There are advantages - It keeps him somewhat sweet.

😯😯😯😯 wow! Kind hearted, but.... Wow!

Please please please, for the sake of the person who ends up in a relationship with your son, set some boundaries.

Currently, you're showing your son that its ok to treat someone like a doormat.

There's a very subtle difference between being civil and understanding during a breakup and being taken for a ride.

So sweet that he can't even use your full name?!?

I think you need to let this one go, frustrating though it is. Maybe think about some counselling for yourself to 'unpack' it later on, if you are in a position to do so? Expecting him to give you answers that make sense is not going to happen sadly. That's why he's STBXH. Sometimes I think they deliberately try to frustrate you at this stage. My XH used to pretend he didn't recognise my voice on the phone. After a 20 Yr marriage...

So sweet that you think he’s already seeing someone else but just won’t admit it?

If you are going for the 2 years separation whilst living under the same roof, you need to prove this. So no more doing anything for him.

Hi all, After 23 years of marriage I have started divorce proceedings. 4 years ago he had a year long affair with an escort. Wouldn’t give her up. Said I was unreasonable to expect him to stop seeing her immediately. I ended it between them.
After counselling I tried to make this things work but I don’t recognise him as the husband he was and can’t deal with his belligerence and tempers. I don’t feel liked let alone loved.
Since seeing a solicitor his behaviour has got worse. I have dangerously high blood pressure which a dr is monitoring. He won’t leave, can I make him?

Brunorocks you're much better off starting your own thread for advice on this but if you're seeing a solicitor, surely they're the ones to ask?

Who owns the house? Because if it's his or in joint names, I don't believe you can make someone leave.

MN advice about this kind of thing is always to use the grey rock technique. TBH, it sounds as if he is already using it on you. You might want to google the term.

Thanks ladies. I have emailed solicitor.
Just reading some of these threads have boosted me.

Oh my goodness. I have just researched gray rock technique and gaslighting. This is my husband to a tee!