Teenage daughters live with their dad

[emilyandelliesmum]

Hi, I'm on here again as I have spent the whole weekend crying and feeling completely lost. I feel like I have lost my role as a mother to my two teenage girls who have decided to live with their dad. My youngest who was going to school near to me but insists on returning to her dad most days hates me and it's like she's constantly punishing me. After years of emotional abuse I said enough is enough and managed to get myself together, get a place, made it really nice and cosy and spent alot of thought getting everything perfect also for my girls. Things are going from bad to worse as they hardly ever come, it started off maybe once or twice a week but now there's always some excuse why they can't come, I usually end up having to go back to my ex which is really unpleasant. He moved back in with his mother after the break up and recently I have not even been able to speak to my youngest on the phone as they don't answer. I know my youngest is angry with me and it's like she wants to punish me, I went there this weekend and my ex told me that they had got a place to live, the girls had known for about a month but hadn't told me. A 3 bedroomed house that they were all happy to get set up in and start over. I feel like I might as well be dead, they don't miss me and my youngest even laughed at me when I got upset, I just don't know what to do, my life was built around them and I feel lost without them. My mother in law has taken over my role and when I go there to visit I feel like an outcast:(

If your user name are your daughters' names, that's very outing and shows no regard for their privacy.

Take it easy OP. It's bound to feel strange for all of you atm. It's early days and no one's really had time to deal with it yet. You say your DDS are in their teens. I'm sure it's all very difficult for them and they just want to hold on to their security. They'll come round, physically and metaphorically. Just give it time. You've done well. You must have had good reason to leave. Just be strong.

I'm sorry you are upset but if you can force yourself to think objectively without emotion you will see that this is your children's choice and you should respect it. Try to respect their decision. Do not put guilt trips on them or bad mouth their dad as that will push them away further.

Instead just try to dial it down a bit and become a bit more easy going.
You say they "hate" you. I find that hard to believe. Perhaps they just dislike some way that you behave?
Try not to blame your ex and instead think of ways that you can improve your relationship with your girls. Maybe that involves giving them more space.

I have a boy and a girl. They both wanted to just stay with dad. He had kept the family home and that was familiar. He was also obviously continuing to emphasise my weaknesses at best. I was in rented. I have now been bought out and have for a place nearer to their friends. Things are moving forward and DD now spends more time here. It will work out but will take time...

I am so sorry for your situation. I cannot imagine what you are going through.
Your ex has provided a house now for your daughters. At least your MIL will not be be influencing them 24/7.
I can only guess you must play a long game with time and patience.
My darling dd took off to her dads for 4 months when she was 18 or so. It was so hard for me. I doubt she remembers that time much now.

They sound as if they are under the spell of other peoples influence. For some it is bad boyfriends or older girls or older boys or whatever. Teens are swayed by others. It is a part of growing up. Perhaps Dad is all permissive and trendy and you are boring with curfews and rules.

Don't chase them, keep the lines of communication open and always be willing to listen to them.

That sounds really tough and I feel for you. Try to give it some time and focus on looking after yourself.

It may just be a stage where they are taking their anger about the separation out on you, or it could be a case of parental alienation by their dad.

They are teenagers- this is often a difficult time for mother-daughter relationships. But I’m sure the bond is still there.

If they’ve witnessed you being emotionally abused by their father they will eventually see it for what it is when they are a bit older. And laughing at you when you are upset seems odd, perhaps a learned behaviour from their father or he is telling them that you are pathetic, etc.

This won’t last forever OP. And think about all those years when they’re adults and will still need you for support. I didn’t have the best relationship with my mum as a teenager. I didn’t have the best childhood and I think I took it out on her because she was the person I was closest too. She means the world to me though and always has, and now in my 30s she’s still the first person I call with good/bad news

And seriously Aquamarine1029? The OP is obviously distressed and that’s what you have to say? How is it outing or not respecting her daughters’ privacy??

I am really sorry. That must be so painful.
Perhaps use the time to get yourself together, get your house as you’d like it, let them know you’re there for them.
As another poster had said, it will take time but if they know you’ve not rejected them, they’ll come round eventually.

All you can do is keep the lines of communication open. Tell them
You love them and will always be there for them, and they are welcome to stay with you whenever they want. They may not be aware of the abuse you suffered, or have had it marginalised . You've also said that you've left and gone back before- is this a regular thing then, because you've been guilted into going back and they assume that will happen again? Focus on you, on being strong for you and not forcing them to pick sides. Hopefully they will see the truth and knowing youve kept things open, means they know they can always see you.