Hi please bear with me as I’m feeling so low and don’t know how I’m going to survive/cope. This is a long story.
I am on the brink of separating with my husband, we have 3 children all primary school age. There’s no one else involved but there is a huge back story which has multiple parts to it. We’ve been together for 13 years, DH has always had anxiety to varying degrees, and has a travel phobia, can be very controlling due to his anxiety. We split up a few years ago, he had become abusive verbally and physically. I finally had enough and moved out the family home with the three children into a rented house. I felt massively better once I’d gone, felt like a weight had been lifted and like I had a future again. A few months after I moved out DH had a massive change of heart and basically had a personality transplant begged me, begged all my friends and family and I felt hugely pressurised into giving things another try. DH doesn’t speak to any of his family as there is a history of abuse (another story). So without me he is basically alone. We sold the family home and he moved in with me in the rented house with a plan to eventually buy again.
Anyway...during this time we start looking for houses, and it comes out that he had around £30000 of credit card and loan debt which he lied about to me. This only came out when I was going through the mortgage with the mortgage adviser, DH had assured me he had paid off anything he had and it took the mortgage advisor to inform me that...no that wasn’t the case. I should have left at this point....anyway we bought a house together, it needs a lot of work which we have started.
Anyway all this time I feel like I’ve been living a lie, I should never have got back with him. But I’m completely stuck. I only work part time, I don’t earn enough money to take on the mortgage alone. Private rents in our area are so expensive and not much choice at all. But DH says he won’t move out. Even though he agrees that our relationship is basically dead in the water. He isn’t abusive anymore, although he does withhold all the money from me and doesn’t let me know anything about the family finances...takes credit cards out without me knowing etc.
I don’t want to uproot the children again and move house....I’ve done it twice in two years and I can’t do it again, I haven’t got it in me and it’s not fair on them.
Along with all of this my eldest has just been diagnosed ASD, with his diagnoses came the realisation that DH is probably on the spectrum too...and is the reason he can be so cold and heartless towards everyone. It’s not DH fault, I’ve waited all this time for him to suddenly change and I think I’ve now realised he can’t change and it’s unfair of me to expect him to mould himself into something to make me happy. Just to give you an example of DH behaviour.... I was very ill a few weeks ago, with a deep tissue infection that basically had me vomiting and very close to being admitted to hospital with IV antibiotics....god forbid I asked him to stay home from work to help with the three children because it was half term, he told me I was pathetic and laughed at me, went to work anyway and left me to deal with it. I called my mum and she had to come and help me, she had to dress me and drive me to the doctors with me crying in pain, while trying to watch the children.
Anyway I don’t know what I’m asking for really....just any advice about what I should do right now. Don’t know how I’m going to get through Christmas and new year trying to pretend everything is ok for the DC sake. I feel like I’ve made a complete mess of everything, my life, my children’s lives and I don’t know what to do.