Telling children about separation

[Feathers1981]

athers1981

I told my husband that I wanted to separate about a month ago. Things are amicable as they can be and he has remained in the house for now. But next weekend he is moving out and we are telling our 2 boys who are 4 and 7.

We will tell them together and agree that we should tell them that this has been a joint decision (despite the fact that it has intact been my sole decision). But I’m struggling to come up with answers to the questions I know they will ask.

All the information I read refers to the fact that ‘mummy and daddy’ have been arguing and this will make that stop. But we haven’t argued in front of the children. To them this will come as a massive shock and they won’t understand why.

The reasons aren’t really things you can explain to children. Any help appreciated!

At least he is going with its being mutual which is great. Mine told the kids I was too unwell and their school that I was in hospital as a result (hmm... only during working hours ..)
Maybe just explain that you both love them both very much but you have both been very unhappy with each other and you want to try to be happier soon? They may well ask very different questions to what you think anyhow...

They probably won't ask much to begin with the questions will come later. Do they have any friends who have two homes? It might be easier to say 'you know how Karen's mummy has a house and Karen's daddy has a house and she gets to have two bedrooms? Well that is what we are going to do too' 'Mummy and Daddy have made this decision because we are arguing too much and making each other sad and we want everyone to be happy again. Mummy and Daddy will be happier in two houses of their own. They will take their lead from you so be happy and upbeat. Present it as you are getting two of everything and keep a positive spin on it

We started off mutually agreeing but be prepared that he may change his mind in time. Mine now openly tells the kids it’s my fault he wants to come home, all the bad things about his new place....he recently told my 7 year old the new house was making him ill so she begged me to let him come home! One good thing I did feel worked was telling them what wasn’t going to change and what was. It was as simple as mummy will continue to take you to school and activities (I did all this anyway!) so the only thing that actually changed was he wasn’t living here

My parents split up when I was 5 and my brother was 7.

My parents told us that they loved us very much but they didn't love each other anymore and that my dad was going to live in a different house now. They told us that it wasn't our fault. That was all good. Give them plenty of reassurance and cuddles. I think given the age they are, less is more. As a previous poster said, the questions will come later and as they get to know the new arrangement.

It's really good to read that you don't argue in front of them. My parents did and I saw and heard a lot of arguments at a really young age. Children are incredibly impressionable as we know. It still affects me 20 years later.

Im really sorry that your relationship has ended. It must be really difficult. I hope I've helped in any small way

How are you doing OP?

At that age you need to ask them if any one else they know has a mummy house and a daddy house....they will for certain. Then saying well that is what your mummy and daddy are going to do. Explain they will get two bedrooms, two lounges etc and they will be excited at that age. Explain it will help mummy and daddy be better friends

We are telling our daughter (4) soon. We don’t argue in front of her and she definitely doesn’t know anyone else whose parents are split so there’s no reference points and I am a bit stuck on what to say....