Should I get in touch with this lady after her husband walked out?

[DorisDay88]

In a nutshell we've known this couple for a number of years, mainly through working in the same industry as the husband - they are both in their 60s with adult children and young grandchildren.
We've all attended various events and short breaks together and although are not really close, get on well when we meet and keep in touch by occasional text between our meetings at these events. They always seemed happy together and were great company.
We've just heard that the man has suddenly walked out on his marriage and gone to live with an old girlfriend. Apparently he'd been planning this for a few months and his wife knew nothing about it.
Would it be appropriate for me to text her just saying I am thinking of her?
If so can anyone help me with suitable words? I'm really torn as to whether it's the right thing to do but just want her to know I care about her and sympathise.

I think that would be really thoughtful of you. Perhaps say something along the lines of “I’ve heard what happened and just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and always here for a chat.” Then I would leave it up to her to get in contact.

Totally the right thing to do. When my DH cheated on me I felt horribly alone and would really have welcomed some kind words.

Thank you both for replying- I'm going to send her a short message this morning - I really can't stop thinking about her but thankfully she's very close to her two daughters who live nearby so will have support from them.

I would say something like "I've heard what has happened and I want you to know you're not alone. Always here if you need support".

Yes do it. After my marriage breakdown I felt I had to do a lot of pretending that I was ok just so my loved ones didn't get too upset on my behalf, it's exhausting and I would have loved someone to be honest with. It's a nice thing to do.

Don’t say “you’re not alone” - that makes it sound like you’re going through the same thing.

But yes I think it would be nice to contact her.

@8by8
This

Say what you would say if you were face to face “HerName I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through. What a shock. I’m here if you want a chat, a call, a coffee or wine. Thinking if you xxx”

I think that's nice. You sound lovely.

And do follow up with specific plans. Like, "How about coffee on Thursday". I felt so alone after my breakup.

A lovely thought.

I can tell you that I did a similar thing in recent circumstances (I wrote a card to the wife to tell her I was thinking about her and to text me if ever needed...)

However I should flag that BOTH the husband AND the wife took it badly - the husband texted my partner (who is his close friend) and asked why I had done it, so presumably he had been told about my letter by his wife.

Apparently the separation was "not public" news and there was a sense that my writing had been mistimed.... Rather strangely, the husband queried why I knew (he is very close friends with my partner and we had often visited the couple and I had formed a friendship with the wife.....)

So the long and the short of it is follow your gut. I don't regret writing - I did so out of good intentions, I didn't post it on Facebook! etc - but sometimes when people are vulnerable they may take it the wrong way.

When couples split up, it is not unusual for their coupley friends to "side" with either the husband or wife. Not because they think the other spouse has done something wrong, more that they find it difficult to remain friends with both the husband and wife separately.
She might assume that you are in Team Husband and might appreciate knowing that she hasn't been dropped as a friend by you

I would have loved a " thinking of you message " when by Ex did that to me . I remember feeling alone and ashamed , that I had become some sort of social pariah that now had to be hidden away . Your text would have helped me .

Maybe do it only if youre also willing to create some sort of friendship, meeting up for coffee every so on etc. Otherwise so many people message at the start, want the gossip, and when it's no longer interesting contact dissappears. Then they really are alone.

Thank you to everyone who's replied, lots of very helpful and insightful comments
I've sent a message using some of your suggestions as I could see she was online.
I'm hoping she might feel able to get in touch at some point over the next few weeks
Thank you all again

It is really lovely that you have sent her a message.
I am going through a separation/divorce. I would have loved such a message. But from someone who meant it like @dontdoubtyourself said. Not just to meet up, get the goss and dissappear.
And if you really mean it, be prepared to keep trying to be there for her.

When it happened to me, I got lots of 'I am here if you need me' 'if you want a chat call me' but they really did not have time for a chat beyong getting the goss and they did not have time to be there for me.
As a result, I could not reach out to anyone, I took them all to be platitudes. Just things people say.
And don't feel like you are not close enough to make a difference. At times like this, it is surprising who ends up being a real support.

For me, it is the people I least expected. A couple of them I was not even close too at all. That"s been a revelation.
I was..am.. VERY close to my family and while they care about me and even live closer to me than some people that have supported me, they have not been there for me. Another revelation.
This is a difficult time for her and will last for sometime (years), she will need good support.

I think it would be just what this poor woman needs. Please send her a message xxx

Just seen you’re latest update ❤️ So glad you messaged her xxx

She's replied to me too so we are going to meet - I told her to let me know when she's ready and we'll arrange something . I'm so pleased I did it now, she seemed pleased to hear from me.

Oh, that's lovely.

Yes.