Feel so guilty. DS cried tonight.

[Nighowl]

Had a chat with DS tonight about things and how they will be changing. He already knew this would be happening but wanted to see how he was feeling about it all. He’s 10. He asked lots of well thought questions, about where he would stay, what days etc. But he had a little cry and said he wishes it didn’t have to happen. Feel so selfish, what am I doing to my poor children? Their happiness far outways mine, not sure now I can do this having seen him so upset. Also saw my parents today and they also want me to try again... it’s hard for them as I didnt speak to them about anything we were going through, so it’s all a bit of a shock. I’m pretty good at hiding my feelings, but I’ve been miserable for three years. we’ve been in separate rooms for 18 months.... I can’t see a way back for our relationship. Feel so incredibly guilty☹️

Oh @Nighowl bless you. Your happiness is important too. Your children will be upset, their whole world is changing. It will get easier, there will quickly become a new normal. You will be happier and they will see that. I've been there, although my DS was only 4 so not as aware as yours. Hang in there. Hugs to you x

Show him that’s it’s ok to be sad/scared etc. They are normal emotions.

Reassure him that he is loved and keep talking.

They’ll get through it x

if you’ve given it your best shot and tried everything, then you’ve nothing to feel guilty about.

My DH’s parents waited until the kids were grown up before they split and it was catastrophic! He wishes they had done it when he was younger. Yes, it would have been hard, but it would have become their norm.

18 months is a long time to be in separate rooms. Be

Thanks for the replies. I feel so selfish. I’ve always said I’d do anything for my kids so why am I doing this to them? I’m starting to think we should stay as we are to keep the kids happy, can’t bear the thought of doing something that is knowingly going to distress them. I’m having a huge wobble and totally torn. Without going into massive detail I made the decision to split. I do feel I was pushed into being the one to say it as DH definitely did not want to be the one to call quits. He is holding this over me but saying he is relieved on one hand then saying it’s all my fault. My kids are my world I’ve carried on in this relationship 2 years past where it should probably have ended, I’m miserable and stressed and anxious and incredibly guilty. There’s no other people involved just a total relationship breakdown.

Ds seemed ok today and was on a massive high last night due to finally doing the splits at gymnastics but I’m worried whats now going on in his head. Dd7 is having wobbles going to school and saying she has tummy ache and wanting to stay with me. Feel like a shit mum right now

Oh dear @Nighowl this must be incredibly hard. If it's any consolation I had a similar situation. My son was sad and angry for three months and then onwards and upwards and we are both much happier two years on.

Even if you changed your mind now the "damage" (for want of a better word I don't mean you've damaged them) has been done so they would still have the uncertainty of whether you were going to stay together. Better to go forwards at this stage. Your happiness will mean their happiness in the future.

I am going to say what I have been told. They will be ok. You will be ok. It will be better all round if everyone is happy. I am devastated at my childish living in a broken home and my daughter won’t talk yet (11) she’s just mad. It can only get better if parents are happier surely. It will not be easy thou.

Change is hard and can be upsetting. But children adapt and cope. My DD was 8 when my ExH and I split she cried and raged about it. She will shortly be 16 and is a happy, social, well adapted girl. She now just wants her Mum to be happy.
I have several friends whose parents stayed together till they went to Uni, they still feel bad that their parents stayed together and were unhappy for them.