50/50 child custody

[atr79gb]

Hi all,

I'm currently going through a divorce and am planning on pushing for 50/50 custody.

I'm lucky enough to have a flexible job that enables me to commit to this. We currently share the child care and I would like for this to continue after the divorce.

When my wife has our 2 children (aged 5 and 8), they sleep in her bed, often after nights out drinking with friends. As such, this has created a situation where they find it very difficult to sleep away from her.

Although we share looking after the children, I'm worried that they will find it difficult to sleep outside of the family home. We currently live together and am concerned that they will find it hard to transition to living in 2 separate homes.

My wife recently asked my 8 year old son who he would prefer to live with. I find this appalling and the children should be entitled to a life with both parents without having to choose.

At what age are children's views on where they want to live taken into consideration? I'm concerned that they will never want to sleep away from her. This seems a little unfair as I share 50% of the child care at the moment - as we live in the same house, the sleeping arrangements haven't been a problem up until now. Does anyone have any tips on making transitioning to 2 homes work?

Interesting that some think 50/50 is awful.

Awful for them maybe. But put yourself in childs shoes.

So many parents (mothers) think they literally own the children and pay scant regard to their rights to see both parents.

The children have rights. And those rights trump those of self obsessed parents who believe that they alone call all the shots.

It's very sad to read.

If either parent wants to bang strangers, the least you owe your children is 50/50 contact.

It's not about you.

I disagree actually I think 50/50 isn’t thinking about the child but dividing them up like an asset that has to be done equally because equal is the only fair and correct way. And is often use as point scoring or getting out of maintenance forgetting that what they need is security and not constant travel
For me 9/5 is much better allows them to have a stable base in the week whilst at school but still seeing the nrp at least 1 night in the week and then weekends (or the more fun time) is shared. As they get older friends will become even more important to them and a steady base to bring them home to is important

50/50 is all about the adults

I don’t get the weeknight one place weekend the other either but that is just me

@Quartz2208 are you the nrp though? And would you be willing to swap places with the nrp?

I know it's not always the case, but I have no more right to time with my children than their dad. So 50/50 is fairest and the dc are OK with it so far. They have two homes and swaps are minimal. Kids are adaptable and whatever they experience is their norm. We review it every 3 months as it's early days, but will continue to review every 6 months in the future. It's easy for mums to say the kids should have a stable base - but they mean that base should be with them usually. Dad's often lose out in divorce.

Neither I work in the system rather than personal experience at home.

I always try and advocate for understanding that rather than looking at it as a parental right to time it should be the children’s right for good solid relationships with both parents coupled with a stable routine and a feeling of being a home. Weekends should be divided absolutely and weekday time for both parents is key and getting that right is paramount. Their adaptability weakens as they get older and can be overstated
It should be fair meet the needs of the children and then both parents. That doesn’t mean that it has to mathematically equally
If 50/50 works then great wonderful. My concern is that in the drive to make everything so the children’s needs are lost
How it works for them and getting them the outcome that disrupts them the least and maintains and promotes good parental relationships
There should not be a one size fits all at all. Mostly it varies between 9/5 and 8/6 so not quite 50/50
That’s tends to be the easy part though getting financial side done in order to promote that not so much

@Quartz2208 you have stated that a 9/5 is better than 50:50 as "they need is security and not constant travel". You also state, very worryingly, that you work in the system.

I'd just like to ask how you think 50:50 is less secure than 9:5 and how it involves more travel?

50:50 has the exact same number of changeovers as 9:5, and you appear to have an inbaked bias that having one "resident" parent can provide more security than two loving homes which are free from the issues of having one parent outrank the other.

This is the exact same discredited bullshit that my ex tried to argue in court.

@Quartz2208, this is worrying if you work in the system and have this bias.

And you can absolutely have a stable routine, solid relationships with both parents, and the feeling of having a home with 50/50 care. If the parents put their kids needs first and don't try to one up or point score. I know the standard is eow and one night during the week - for dads. I wonder how popular it would be if that was the starting point for the mothers. Yes, the mother has often held the primary carer role up until the marriage breaks down, but often that's because the father is working and our society still perpetuates that mothers are more important to their children than fathers. I've seen first hand how friends don't really leave enough of a gap for their husbands to have a role. So when it comes to discussions in the event of the marriage breaking down, the fathers start at a disadvantage. And there is a lot of research supporting the importance of both parents. Girls without a father figure are more at risk of certain mental health issues for example.

I agree, two homes is not ideal. Marriage breakdown is not ideal. But I think if it works it's the next best option.

I do have a bias yes towards the children and making sure that they are centre and it’s not a point scoring exercise that is what I am trying to say. It is about what works not ticking boxes and making one size fits all. That is my point I am not saying it can’t work but that it shouldn’t be made that way just for the sake of it

I don’t think typing and walking is helping so I am out

@Quartz2208 you might not get the week place and weekend place but how on Earth is the father supposed to see the children otherwise?
My children's dad works away Monday-Friday. Pays way above what he needs to for them. They never go without. He lives an hours drive away so can't just pop in.
My children are confident, we'll balanced individuals who are doing well at school.
We listen to them in what they want. Tell me how that is wrong?

And it is extremely worrying that you work in the system. No wonder dads have to fight so hard with people like you who massively favour the mother working there.

The idea that 50/50 is unsettling for them is simply bonkers in my mind.

My kids are with me nearly full time, visit their dad for one weekend a month if they're lucky- this is his choice. In fact once a year was his preference... but anyway... my kids find this visit horrifically unsettling- they're stressed for days before they go, and after. It doesn't feel like a home to them, they are visitors at best.

My DP's kids in contrast are with us 50/50. They consider both ours and their dm's to be home, they understand the routine and have no problems at all going between the two homes. My kids are also perfectly comfortable with them coming and going like this with no adverse effects.

Visiting (yes visiting) an nrp once a week etc is just as many changes of house as our 50/50 arrangements, yet the kids don't get time to settle at the house they're visiting in the same way.

I am not biased I just hate the idea that fair just and equality has to mean mathematically equal and we slavishly insist that it what has to be rather than looking at what works and dealing with that. Once you take away the need for everything to be exact it’s much easier to find something that fits and works. There are so many factors at play that need to be looked at and worked through

That is my point that the starting point should be organic and not fixed which is exactly the last examples show.

Equality and equal parenting means that both parents are there both see there children and they are comfortable with both houses. It doesn’t have to be balanced to the nth degree to make sure it is 50/50

Does that make sense - I don’t think my point has been taken given that many examples thrown back support my point

Thanks for all the comments.

I've seen some comments suggesting that 50/50 custody is not a good idea. However, I haven't seen any comments suggesting that the resident parent should be anyone but the mother. This makes me sad. It's vitally important that children have a relationship with both parents. I can't honestly see how a father can have a strong relationship with their children without having them stay at their place.

This isn't anything to do with maintenance payments. I'm lucky enough to have a well paid job and intend on paying more than the required child maintenance, basically whatever is necessary to support my children.

In my own case, I feel able to support my children, both from a financial and parental point of view.

However, in my wife's case, I mentioned earlier in the post that she insists on sleeping in the same bed as the children even after a night out drinking with friends and is refusing to work. Surely, neither of these 2 things are in the children's best interests?

This might be a hard battle but I certainly feel it's in my children's interests to push for 50/50 custody.

Given your wife does not currently work, it may work against you.
Can you keep a diary of the drop off and pickups you do and the After school activities?
Evidence of what you do for them for mediation

Quartz2208 I completely agree with what you are saying.Children are not an asset to be divided “fairly”. I think it is very difficult for authorities to truly know what is best for individual families and children.
I know of a fantastic dad who had to fight the system tooth and nail to get residency, the children’s mum was essentially unfit (would go out and leave them home alone for example),50:50 would not have been appropriate.
In my own case, my children were older, and have all chosen different amounts of contact with ex, but none would have wanted 50:50. Ex was arguing at one point that he was the main caregiver which was completely false and motivated by a fear of paying maintenance out of his ample salary.
Children’s needs coming first does not necessarily = 50:50 care.
If the reality is that more children are more closely bonded to their mothers then surely they will be more content and thrive if they continue to spend more time together. We shouldn’t be trying to follow some notion of equality at the expense of the children.

This happened when my son got full time custody when his kids were 5 and 9. The 5 yr old had always slept with his mother, often staying awake and watching late- night TV with her until the small hours.

My son suddenly got custody with no prior planning. He got two single beds and told the children that this is where you'll be sleeping now, in together and next door to me. Your very own beds ! How exciting !

Both kids were fine and thought it was an adventure, never looked back. I think 5 year old was happy to have his own bed at last.

Don't stress about this - your 5 year old might surprise you.

I share my DCs 50:50 with my ex. In our case my Ex has had to step up and do a lot more parenting than before the split but I think that has been beneficial for all of us. He is enjoying parenting, the DCs enjoy spending time with him and I get time to work. 50:50 is the norm in the country we live in and the majority of divorced parents choose it as default.

I think it’s very reasonable to aim for 50:50 OP, even if you have to work towards it over time. As advised above I think you should propose a trial overnight visit with you to see how things go and build from there. We both co-sleep with our 5yo and our 8yo sleeps by herself, so it is doable. Maybe try to be flexible about sleeping arrangements to start off with, e.g let them cosleep with you, or have their beds in your room, or they might enjoy sleeping together.

We're having difficulty at the moment, asked DP's ex if handover could be a couple of hours later today because his DC want to attend an event- we didn't offer it to them, they asked. But she went nuts- ranting about wanting an entire day and night extra for losing "her" time with the kids...

It's not her time, or my DP's, it's the kids! But she doesn't see it like that. They've had to miss out on what they wanted to do but she doesn't care because it's about her not them.

And of course she's completely forgotten that she was over an hour late picking them up a few weeks ago, and four hours late handing them over to us last week- which we haven't complained about.

If she keeps making it all about her instead of them though, we will have to go back to court.

My STBXH moved away for work after we separated having been very involved in parenting before that. It has a huge impact and totally changed his relationship with older DC even though he spoke to them daily and saw them at weekends. Parents who only do weekends and holidays or a weekday visit end up having a very different relationship. I think doing the day to day of laundry, school runs, homework is important. Every time the kids have a teenage tantrum it’s with me never with him. They are on their best behaviour with him as they don’t feel as secure knowing he could leave them. I’m the one who sees their lows. It often feels that he gets the fun bits and I get the hard slog of parenting. But I’m the person they would turn to first. I’m who they trust. I’m the one they can feel safe to vent to. I’m the one who noticed when one DC started smoking and hanging around with different crowd. Or when GCSE stress was taking its toll. You cannot be a parent from a distance and on holidays. You can be an important adult in their life but it’s not the same as seeing them close up day in day out. You are doing the right thing staying as closely involved as you can as doing the ordinary stuff is really important.

Thanks for all the replies.

@Dropthedeaddonkey - that is my concern, that I'll end up having a much reduced role in my children's lives. As they are used to having me around 50% of the time, I don't think it would be in their best interests to suddenly see me much less than that.

As you say, it must be hard to support children without living with them and doing the normal day to day things. I could imagine this would result in having a very different relationship with my children.

I think I owe it to my children to support them 50/50.