My ex goes to lengths to not pay CM

[ShazPizazz]

A little bit of back story..i have 3 kids with my ex-husband. We've been seperated for 5 + years now after I realised I was in a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. When I left he dragged me through court, tried to get full custody to which the court ruling was that I was to have the children for 2 thirds of the time until he was in a position to have them up to half the time..to be negotiated by ourselves at a later stage.

In over 5 years I have not received any maintenance and after the court case I was so traumatised I didn't dare ask for any. I have a council house and currently have the kids about 60 percent of the time and I am struggling to pay the rent and bills. I have asked him if he can please contribute financially to the running of the house. When he has the kids, all 4 of them (my kids and my ex) are sharing a room in a shared/communal house.

I received his response yesterday saying that he considers us both to be the main carer of the children (despite the fact I'm buying things they need, booking school lunches, dentist appointments, etc) He is so determined to never give me money that he has now asked to have the children for half the time (a week at a time).

I am trying to feel into this...on one hand I'll have more time to work/make money, but if I look at it from my children's best interests - are their living conditions at his suitable for spending more time there? My 11 yo dd is always anxious to go to her dads, as they always have fall outs (he squashes her down by reminding her of past arguments she's lost etc ) although she always says she's had a good time by the end of it. My 7yo son bedwets for a few days after he comes back and really wishes to sleep with me as he's used to sleeping next to his dad...which is awkward because I have a partner, but I do cuddle him to sleep (my child not partner haha)

I really don't want an argument or anything that will lead to court, as this is really not in the kids best interests. HELP! How would you deal with this situation?

Note: *Obviously I know about CMS but if we're sharing the kids equally I don't think he'll need to pay me anything.

• He also said that he'll help pay for my daughters school lunches 'for now' which implies he won't once we're sharing the kids equally.

Ps. I know he is an abusive knobhead, and I'm still dealing with the consequences of 8 years in a marriage with him, which is why I haven't pursued maintenance before now, so go easy on me.

Do the kids want 50/50

And if he does have them 50/50 like hell are you paying for school lunches on his week like hell are you paying for all the clothing point it out to him in no uncertain terms that he needs to pay for his kids even if he has them 50/50

I haven't spoken to them yet as they're with him until later today, but just last week my 11yo didn't want to see him at all. I think if he has the kids half the time he will also want half of the tax credits I get (he's mentioned this before...) ..anyone know where I stand on this?

He only wants them 50/50 to get out of CM. He's not thinking of the best interests of the children. Is he employed or self employed? I know you said you found it really stressful going to court, but you have a strong case that one room in a shared house is not an environment kids can be in for a week at a time, and in fact I would argue, as much time as they're spending now. How would/do they do homework? Where is all their stuff (clothes, toys etc) stored? There's also the fact that your kids are already affected by this with the bed wetting, clinginess at bedtime, and they don't even want to go beforehand.

I would push at court to get full custody with visitation, due to the unsuitable living conditions adversely affecting your kids and the impact it has on them at school. Then go to CMS for proper maintenance. When he complains just grey rock him and say we can go back to court again once you sort out your living situation. Don't get dragged into a row.

I know standing up to abusive cunts like this is scary and stressful, but do it for your kids. They are the ones being used as pawns by your ex in his attempt to hurt YOU. He doesn't care about them.

No he wont get half the tax credits because only one parent can claim and that's you

SparklFairy, thanks for your response, I think you're right. He is employed though just started a new job. The kids have a small space for their clothes and I assume their toys are kept in the communal lounge area. This must be where they do homework too. I can't afford to take him to court but I think I need to find the words to stand up to him!

Thanks to Slipperywhensparticus for your responses too.

If he's employed then CM will come straight out of his paycheck. He won't get a say, as long as you go thru CSA (is that what it's called these days?). I don't know how much court costs are but a quick Google says £215 to apply for a court order for custody, with deductions available if you're on a low income and/or certain benefits. Do consider if it's at all viable.

As you can probably tell, I don't have children nor have I dealt with this in adulthood directly. I was however caught in the middle of my parents very acrimonious divorce as a child with each dragging the other thru caught and being pulled between homes and used simply as a weapon against the other. It's no way to live, and can affect children well into adulthood. First and foremost the DC need a stable home environment which you can clearly provide and he clearly can't. No judge in the land is going to grant any more than visitation for a man living in a single room with three kids.

I get you don't want to rock the boat or antagonise him, but don't allow him to bully you and your kids

Thru court not caught!

Thank you and I'm so sorry you went through this..the last thing I want is the kids to be used as a pawn. I really and truly just want what's best for them. Perhaps I will look into court. When he took me to court it was 6 months of absolute hell and I struggled to parent my kids through the stress of it...I just don't want that to happen again, but I know I must also not act from a place of fear...so I have some work to do!

Cms. Keep receipts to show you are the main provider...

Good tip Winterdaysarehere. Thanks

Reading between the lines he wants 50/50 as a minimum in which case no payments to be made.

Forgetting money, 50/50 is best for your kids so long as he's a decent dad.

Even with 60/40, the payments would be relatively minimal. Probably £100 per child per month simply because they are with you more often and as such have a larger financial burden.