Should I stop DC from going to stay with EXH?

[changeisasgoodas]

Dc are 7 and 8. I separated from their father 4 months ago. All pretty amicable. They spend Wednesday nights and every other weekend at his.

I work full time and getting a break when they're at his has been a life saver. However, they hate staying at his. They love seeing him but just don't like staying over at his.

When I ask why they say because it's "boring" and that he never takes them anywhere. But also that they don't feel "safe." When I questioned what they meant by this DD said it was because I wasn't there. We have become closer than ever since their dad moved out.

They've started getting really distressed when I say they are going to his, begging me to not make them go. I just don't know what to do. Do I stick with it hoping it will get easier for them? I've reduced it down to only one night EOW but wonder if I should stop the overnights for now (this is what they have requested.)

No I don’t think so

1 night is not a lot - why so little ?
You can reassure them that they are safe and that you are fine them being there. They probably worry that you are sad or something

Also, visits shouldn’t just be fun. They should be doing normal family stuff / tv/ reading/ homework etc

Of course this is an unsettling time for them - they just need constant reassurance

It’s not your call. Your kids have two parents. Your role as their parents is to help them through this. You tell them as brightly as you can ‘of course you’re safe at Daddy’s house, just like you’re safe here. We both love you just as much as each other and that means we’ll both keep you safe.’
Depending on your relationship with your ex I would talk to him about their concerns (without being critical of him) and suggest that e.g. the bedtime routine is broadly the same in both houses (at least while they settle in) and I would reinstate the night they’ve lost.

Don't stop the overnights unless you want to risk your ex dragging you to Court and then being forced to revert to the original arrangement regardless of your children's wishes.

As PPs said you need to reassure your children and then try to get your ex to do a similar bedtime routine to you.

You then need to go back to your original arrangement asap of eow and actually try to get your ex to spend more time with them e.g. one evening/night in the week and half the holidays.

There’s honestly no simple answer to this as only you know the parties involved. No1 priority is the kids have regular access and the opportunity to build a trusting relationship in the new world. It that means short term taking a step backwards to maintain the contact with a view to building their confidence then that’s something you could explore with your ex. Ideally you want your kids to look forward to seeing their dad. They are dealing with a lot of change, it’s early days and I believe we as parents need to be sensitive to this (whilst still championing their relationship with their father) I hope you can come to some kind of agreement about what is best for your children short, medium and longer term