Cannot star over.

[StartOverSally]

I’ve name changed for this, as my last posts were actually over on TTC boards and I’m ashamed I’ve ended up here.

Not sure ashamed is the right word but just don’t know how I’ve got here.

I’m late 20s, and have recently separated from my partner of almost a decade. I felt very secure and committed in the relationship and believe he was too. Starting a family was very much on the cards and something he wanted as much as me.

This split is so very unexpected and he utterly floored me. I’ve lost my best friend, the person I believed to be my soulmate and the person I really thought I’d spend the rest of my life with - and as far as I knew he felt the same way, but he has very much been the decision maker in this break up.

I have a career, my own home and a lovely set of friends and family, but I have absolutely no idea how to go about dating someone new, especially as now I am so familiar now with the idea of having a baby.

Just can’t see how I am going to be happy and feel fulfilled.

So sorry you have found yourself here. Sadly the old phrase time is a great healer is true.

You have had your world turned upside down. And you need to grieve for the man you thought he was and the future you thought you had with him.

Take your time. And go day by day. Gather good people around you and seek professional support if you feel that would help you.

Moving forward once the formalities are done you no longer have to have any contact with him. I know how harsh that feels right now. But I promise you this is a blessing. My first husband and I separated at 30. Now nearly 20 years later I didn't and don't give him a second thought. Sadly my second husband left a few years ago and broke my heart. We have the children together and therefore have to remain in touch.

You are young. And when you feel you can start to rebuild your life. Get out with friends. New hobbies etc. I know it sounds cliche. But you will move on from this when you are ready.

Honestly- it is just one tiny step forward.

One tiny step forward at a time, I meant to say

You need to grieve first, that is really important to starting again.
I found I needed to find who I was and learn to love that person before I was ready to meet someone new.
As the others have said time is the thing, the length is different for different people.

How long have you been single? You're grieving the end of your first and only adult relationship. It's going to hit you hard. That's what these feelings are. It will take time to work through them and heal, but you will.

Grieving and healing is the priority, not dating or searching for a replacement partner.

Instead of beating yourself up and tormenting yourself try being kind and reminding yourself you're grieving, which is a natural response and it will gradually ease.

Oh, you poor thing. It must feel like a bomb went off in your lovely life. 😞

Did he say why he wanted to split? Do you think it had got to the "shit or get off the pot" stage and he realised he didn't want marriage and a family after all, and didn't want to waste any more of your time?

If it's any consolation (I'm not sure it will be!) this happened to loads of my friends when we were in our late-20s. Couples either got married or suddenly split up. Everyone who split up was fine and went on to meet new, often nicer, people and settled down. It will take a few months to get your head round what's happened. Treat it like a period of grieving. Don't make any big decisions or changes right now. Let the dust settle.

And 100% DO NOT KEEP IN CONTACT WITH HIM. The quickest way for him to realise what he's lost is for you to disappear off the face of the planet (as far as he is concerned). Make sure he misses you. It's the only way he'll feel what life is really like without you in it.

You poor thing. No wonder you are feeling so awful.

You just have to carry on one way or another. You might think it's going to be impossible but it won't be. You will get there eventually. It might take a while but you will. I hope your family and friends will help you out.

This is a part of your life but there will be lots of other parts too. One day at a time.

Make sure he misses you. It's the only way he'll feel what life is really like without you in it.

I disagree with this way of thinking. You need to try and forget about him not worry about trying to get revenge. It's pointless. You need to try to look forward not be dwelling on what has happened.
I know you will be thinking about him - that's natural but try not to let ideas of revenge consume you.

I wasn't thinking about revenge! I meant not to fall into the trap of staying in touch so the man will realise what a fool he's been and come back. The best way for anyone to realise how much they miss their ex is not to hear from them. That's all.