Don’t know right from wrong

[AdelleLM]

Hi I am new
I have been with DH since I was 15. Married for 18 years. He never says anything nice to me. He puts me down in front of my DDs 9 and 7. He has mood swings due to a medical condition. I feel like I am on eggshells. He has a good job. He is a good dad. But treats me like I am nothing. I asked him to come to Relate with me. He refused. I can’t talk to him or he flies off the handle. I have written him letters saying how I feel. I have asked him to separate or work away for a bit to give us some space he won’t. Our mortgage is so high I don’t think I could keep the house on if he left. But he refuses to go anyway. I think now my only option in serving him with divorce papers on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. I still love him but just can’t go on like this. It’s been 4 years since things got really bad. He calls me names. Frightens me sometimes. He has pinched me but never hit me. I worry about him looking after my DDs on his own if we divorce. I think in my head I know my relationship is volitile but my heart can’t let go. 😢

I stayed in a relationship like this until the youngest was old enough to be left. It seemed like the right thing to do because he had convinced me to change career because he couldn't cope with my original very male dominated and quite well paid one around the time we married. I then took a role that fit around him working and me going out when I got back but eventually got into full shift rotation only to be advised by him that I would lose the kids because of that. So I stayed.

I emotionally removed from the relationship but stayed until DD was 13.
In hindsight wrong move. Both kids think it's normal to put their mother down and anyone with weaknesses...
He kept the house all the furniture, and the now adult child. My youngest sees it differently but... At the end of the day I should have gone sooner for their sakes.
Look after your own sanity and self esteem. You probably can't do that properly without some separation so start getting used to the idea of living on what you could afford. Protect yourself and try to stop his attitude becoming something history will repeat. Him leaving is safe but do you have options to get head space where you leave for a break?

Good luck