How often do you cry?

[brentwoodbaby]

H of 8 years, together 14, left a few weeks back. I still love him but our relationship was volatile and he was unhappy but unwilling or unable to communicate so was on a hiding to nothing. There are no other people involved.

He is living with his mum and seems to be OK. He has kids every other weekend so I have only seen him twice in the few weeks he's been gone. I will have to face him tomorrow at pick up. I'm pretty good at no contact except for about kids if necessary.

Kids are OK, I have a good job so we're alright financially and I think I've done fine at maintaining normality for them (12 and 2); the youngest misses daddy the most and regularly talks about him whereas older DD is more reserved.

Despite all appearances that I'm fine I still cry several times a day. I cry because I miss him, because I miss our old life, because I worry for the future, because I don't feel good enough and for all sorts of other random things. I still wake up regularly thinking I've heard him come upstairs to bed and he'll give me a cuddle- it's all in my head but it hurts so much when I realise it's not real.

I know things get better in time and this isn't a permanent state of mind but I genuinely feel at rock bottom right now. We've been together since we were 18/20 respectively so a whole piece of my adult life no longer exists!

I think it’s normal to cry going through what you’re going through.

You are going through a grieving process. If you had had a bereavement you wouldn't give it a time frame. You have every right to feel how you do.

I'm two years down the line and could still sit and cry about how things turned out. And how this pans out for the children going forward. I just push it away now and focus on making us the best unit we can be.

Be kind to yourself. It gets easier in time.

Thanks for your quick replies. These dark early mornings seem the worse time.

I do worry for the kids- particularly the little one who will not have the easy life her sister had when going through primary. I expect I'm just projecting my own fears really.

I am dreading Xmas this year- we normally spend it with my mum and dad but had decided this year to spend it at home just the four of us which is now just the three of us- my parents have booked to go away as we weren't around so it's going to feel pretty shit and lonely I think. I normally love Xmas!

Your little one won't know any different. My youngest was 5 when he left. And he worked away for three years. She has no recollection of us being a family together. My eldest has found it very hard. In addition to some poor parenting from his father since he has left. He has gone non contact with his dad.

Christmas will be hard. Can you make some plans to get out. Go to church. Even if it isn't your thing. Or a lovely forest or beach walk after lunch. See if you have friends you can pop in for a quick drink. Just for an hour. I know you won't want to impose. But plan the day will really help. Tell them it is going to be a difficult day they will want to support you.

It gets easier in time. Just be kind to yourself and do what you need to do.

@unicornsarereal72 one of the things I cry about is that she won't have those memories. Our eldest has lovely memories of family holidays etc whereas the next few years are likely to be quite tough on us emotionally and financially as I'm determined to keep our family home.

Xmas will be tough but I keep reminding myself it's just one day- 24 hours- to get through and there will be plenty of presents, chocolate and telly to get us through. As tough as it will be I will have both kids with me so I have the better 'deal' if you like.

I miss him so much it hurts sometimes but I can still remember the anxiety I had when he was here which didn't feel much better- just less scary because it was more familiar.

I'm very sorry to hear this. You are allowed to cry, you are allowed feel how you feel right now. Take each day as it comes and like you say time will heal. Lots of self-care and emotional space for you!

Although your youngest will have a different experience to your oldest, it's very important that mum and dad communicate with each other regardles of how they feel about each other. When you say your oldest is "resevered"-what do you mean? How does she communicate with you or dad? (Because this shouldn't be all up to you to sort or explain) 12 years is a difficult age as it is and maybe mum and dad splitting could impact her, so please be open and honest (as I'm sure you)

Just give yourself permission to feel how you feel! I'm sure this is a very strange/difficult time for you and your family. Also, try and get as much support for you and you kids.

@bluebella4 they don't have a close relationship normally - I think it's fair to say I provide most of the parental support and always have. I think eldest is disappointed that he isn't in regular contact despite us all knowing his phone is never out of his hand (gaming addict). Her weekends with him she regularly texts me and I try and respond as much as I should/as little as I can do as not to not get in the way of their time. One thing which has kept me strong is seeing that he treats the kids with the same attitude as me- hot and cold, should be grateful to be spending time with him, loses temper quickly, never apologises... at least now they only have to deal with it every other week not every day.

He's had no conversations with her - not a talker. He's done nothing since leaving; Tia point that even his wages are being paid into our bank and I'm deducting the child support/his direct debits and transferring the rest to his bank. He literally packed a suitcase of clothes, took some other personal items and all his vehicles' paperwork and moved into his mums spare room!

Bless her, I'm sure reassurance is very difficult especially when his behaviour is proving to her that he doesn't care. Is there any support groups you guys can get involved in that may help her to open up. As I know sometimes when kids see parents upset they tend to avoid hurting them further. (That's not on you)

I see you have said he's a gaming addict- addiction, in any form is a very complex issue to have. He only cares about one thing (as I'm sure you already no). I do understand his issue and unfortunately it will not go away without his hard work therefore your little family is not going to be ok with him around. So, I suppose it is a good thing he has left.

You have said you still love him- this makes me sad because your heart is broke for him and your life that you should be having but also shows the lengths you may have when to support him. Please look after yourself and your family as I'm afraid you need to take control and get whatever support you and your family need. I hope one day he will have that light bulb moment he needs.

@brentwoodbaby I feel for you, I really do. I'm in the process of separating. It's very raw. I can't sleep and am anxious a lot of the time.

Little things I've found helpful: make a list of all the 'bad' times you had with him and re-read it when you feel sad/low, book a massage and treat yourself to a relaxing hour or two, get out in the fresh air and breathe, rant to friends.

It's difficult but try to think of this as a new chapter. You are only 30 - you have decades ahead of you and you can take back control and make them happy for yourself and your children. They will have a lovely life with you. You will be ok xxx