Just need to get this down

[Twerking9to5]

I’m not asking anyone to read all this necessarily but I really just needed to get it all down.

Married nearly 10 years together 14 (met at uni). After our DC2 I got PND and havent really ever felt the same since (DC2 now 4).

I have a growing resentment of DH and I feel he is dismissive of me, even though he says he isn’t. He has a stressful job, earns well but I’d rather he was doing something less stressful and more involved in family life. I work 2 days and have 3 days where kids are at school. These mainly get filled with chores although I have started trying to make myself read for a bit/get some enjoyment out of the day.

I’ve recently come off ADs so I’m sure this affects how I’m feeling. But I also resent that I need to be “medicated” in order to feel level when I wonder if the problem isn’t always just me.

Although my job is only PT, it does sometimes involve extra commitments. I hate asking him to WFH/help out as he makes a big huff and puff about it and has to demonstrate that it’s really very inconvenient. He is rarely home before 8pm most nights, and two other nights he does sports.

I get no intimacy. I definitely don’t feel like sex because I’m not feeling the love in other parts of my life.

I’m in a cycle of washing,drying,folding, cooking. He has quite “high standards” and will pick on things that haven’t been done very well. Of course, this is only from my POV. It probably is quite irritating that Black Mould spots have formed on our shower because it’s not been been cleaned properly.

He does work hard. If I mention that other dads occasionally WFH or do pick ups etc he will sometimes say “that’s because X’s wife earns more”. It makes me feel small. Again, he says it’s not a problem how much I earn, it’s all contributing and it means I can be there for the kids.

My big thing is I feel his life carries on unhindered. He can just text me and say “I’ve got drinks tonight after work” whereas I have to ask to go out (he would never say no btw but the fact I’ve lost that freedom pains me).

There are so many small things. I am probably not in a great place mentally at the moment, which is not helping. Sometimes, I think I’d be better on my own. I think I’d feel less ragey with the kids as it tends to be DH presence that winds me up.

I’m rambling! If you’ve got to the end....God bless you

Huge hugs. This was me, except I didn't sort it out. I'm getting divorced now, and all the moaning about me not working full time are coming out yet I couldn't with his hours (one kid sn)

Take it from an older woman, you are worth more than this. Don't do anything rash but work out how you can be truly happy

Thank you so much for replying. Sometimes I don’t know how much of it is my mental health dictating the situation or vice versa. It’s chicken and egg at times. I wish you lots of happiness xx

This was me. I did all the childcare, mental load and worked. He just went to work and expected me to do the rest. I’m now divorcing as it was so hard being left in the shadows and taken for granted. I feel alive now. Yes I have to do it all but at least there’s not a man child to look after too

No advice OP, just didn't want to read and run. Sending hugs

Those who don't do the cleaning/washing/childcare can fuck off with their criticism. Tell him this ff's.

I feel a bit resentful of your husband reading your post.

Your black mould example... Yes, might be irritating, but you're not his housekeeper, it's his responsibility too. His response shouldn't be to critique you, but to pull his weight.

Him working full time is irrelevant to the balance; he wouldn't be able to do that if pheasant ditching you to carry all this stuff on your own on top of your own job (even if you're is part time).

I know you've said he's dismissive, but have you tried laying it out to him like you have here? What was his response?

I don't think I could live like this long term, so I'm not surprised you're struggling.

Pheasant ditching you?!?! I was going for " ...if he wasn't ditching you..."

Wow! Sends like my old life, I got to breaking point because I hated the fact that he made me feel like I had to do everything for the kids, we split in Feb and he’s still just as bad even though we don’t live together anymore however I am less stressy with the kids, he used to want to chill when he came home from work couldn’t possibly do anything before he went to work, and like you he never stopped me going out but made me feel guilty for it, and like I was asking him to baby sit his kids! At the end of the day we weren’t a partnership we didn’t talk and he would quite happily have sex even though he knew I didn’t want to, if I didn’t he’d get the hump so I found it easier to just get it over and done with. I realised i wasn’t happy and ultimately it was killing my soul. I hope putting it down has helped and maybe a bit of experiences from others puts it in to perspective x

But there are some other issues involved Op and you can see them clearly.
You have to separate these issues and deal with them.
You’ll be much more able to make a well informed decision and what needs to be done.
You will have more clarity.
All the best.