Is it even worth fighting over finances in court?? i may be more out of pocket

[LovingWifeAndMother]

So long story short, I have just spent 14 months in court fighting my abusive ex for full custody, its cost 11k and has just ended. I now have my divorce to do but im quite in debt now after this past year and i have been reading some horror stories of divorces costing 20-30k? Well thats all i would really get so is it even worth it? The child hearing cost me so much because he contested everything and he paid not a penny as i took him to court, the divorce would be the same. I am quite angry that its cost me all that and him nothing and the divorce would be the same but i could potentially be no better off and he will loose the house (i left and he kept absolutely everything).
Should i just cut my losses and wait the 2 or 5 years and just out in for a clean split? My family are angry im even considering it but in my mind i have spent a year living of fresh air putting every penny into court and its just ended, i could potentially start rebuilding my life, im not going to come out of this divorce with 50k like my family think because it will be a long battle and cost alot.

Anyone had any experience divorcing a narcissist thats think he is entitled to everything and me and the kids out on our arses?

Are you in the house you both own now?

I'm quite curious why you took him to court for full residency - would it have been cheaper for you if he had pursued you for access?

I think it CAN be cheaper to fight over finances if it's simple (ie. no self employed partner, been married for a while, obvious where the money is in assets etc)

With children you end up needing professionals to write reports etc - with finance you can act more for yourself

If there's no hurry to do it and there's no consequences with waiting (like he would sell or depreciate assets) then wait

I was just about to come on here and say pretty much what Laurie already just said.

I didn't have a choice to take him to court because it was so volatile it had to stop, he would be screaming at me in the street and abusive in front of the children, i tried to stop contact and he would turn up at school in the middle of the day and take them and because there was no court order he could, then he wouldn't give them back, he did this a few times until i finally took him to court to protect them.

No he lives in the house we both owned, i suffered domestic abuse and ended up fleeing the house with nothing, so i have built up my belongings from scratch.

I have read it can cost so much, right now i have nothing, will i still be entitled in a year of so? The childcare side is now sorted (he got indirect) but the fact still remains we are married and he has everything, but because we didnt have an expensive house etc i would only come out with about 30k but i was wondering if that would be swallowed up by the costs, and im scared to do it without a solicitor, i dont now what im doing and i have a restraining order atm aswell.

If he's abusive, and you've got a restraining order against him then I wouldn't bother fighting him for 30k, no. Legal fees could easily take 20k of that and you would have all that stress for a measly 10k. Sometimes it's just not worth it.

You've got the kids and you've got your home. Move forward now, build a lovely home for you and your kids and focus on your employment and training prospects.

That was i was thinking NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1, People think that because he abused me also dragged out the children's court to cost me maximum money and is an all round horrid person that he doesn't deserve to sit there all pretty with the house and his pension while me and the kids are in a flat with not much right now. But they way i see it is it shouldn't be about revenge, it should be about getting away, then i will have won anyway. Im just so fed up of having no money because im always in court and having constant anxiety with it all, I just cant seem to move on and i know he will drag the divorce out for years and cost us both a fortune and then what will i have to show? He will have lost the house and have nothing, ill have wasted more years fighting with him and i might even come out with less money than i went in with.
I have read people paying 25k and up in divorces were the other person wont agree a single penny.

You’ll be awarded costs if you pay it carefully. Get the consent order which the judge will not agree to unless it’s fair.
That won’t cost you a penny you can fo all that yourself. Then if he doesn’t comply you apply for costs against him which comes out of his share of the house ☺️

Hi :)
Can you explain that too me a bit more Inliverpool1? Sounds interesting. Im have little knowledge of court to say i have been for over a year.

So you both agree the consent order in theory, the judge looks st it and says yes or no. That could be the end of the matter no solicitors required. Is that what you mean ?

You mean for a divorce with no finances yes? just a straight divorce? he wont accept it wither way.

@LovingWifeAndMother and this is the crux of your problem isn't it? If he refuses to discuss or agree your only option to force things along is court. Otherwise you wait the two (or five, worse case) years but even then you will eventually have to agree finances.

Fighting for the amounts you've mentioned could well cost you more than it's worth. I've just concluded my divorce which took 3+ years and cost me £32k because my now XH would not discuss, never mind agree, including his pension.

I came away with 50/50 asset split which is what I was asking for all along.

The whole court process is long, stressful and costly and I would not recommend it to anyone unless you're sure it's worth it (financially and emotionally)

Good luck

If you are talking about £30k op I 100% would go for the financial remedy yourself, no lawyers.
(I don't earn that much per year, so I am going through a similar process - but I have some legal help as I am fighting for about £150k and my ex is lawyered up to the nines)
If you don't get it, then nothing ventured nothing gained, but you will get closure.
Not pissed off everytime you could do with £500 to fix the boiler or £40 to put petrol in the car, or buy the kids shoes etc.

I am fighting for my share as I don't want to be angry about the ex walking all over me financially for the rest of my life.

It's a horrible gamble, and I hate the work (admin) it takes, but I am a fairly lower earner so it would be cheaper for me to give up work and just work on my case if I had to.

Good luck, it's your decision, I'm just telling you my perspective.

You can do a lot of it yourself. Ex’s solicitor hasn’t got him anything he wants, cost him money and caused so much bad feeling

True, you can do a lot yourself if you feel able to. I (naively) thought mine would settle quite quickly so went with the solicitors advice.

I agree with pp that you need to do what you can live with band what feels right for you and your DC. I surprised myself and my XH by sticking to my guns and pursuing 50/50. He was used to me doing exactly what HE wanted.