Frustrated!!

[scotgal2017]

I've posted before here and Relationships about STBXH. We have been separated over 2 years after 17 years married/20 together. He is a high earner, I earn under the Personal tax allowance and only claim child benefit. 2 Dcs, DD16 and DS13. DS has decided he no longer wants to see his dad and so I am trying to find a new job as my current job is outwith school hours and this is no use when DD16 will be away visiting her dad for 2- 3 weeks at a time. No luck with jobs so far, can't even get a successful application for a fast food place!

Just before DD went on last visit (2 weeks ago, she's due bacxk next week) STBXH said he guessed he should get divorce rolling, did I want to use sols etc. I am gray rock with him as he was abusive/controlling so said I want everything done through sols. I gave him my sols details and have now blocked all contact with him as Dcs are old enough to communicate with him without me needing to be involved (as per advice on MN on another thread). Last message to him said this and that as he had my sols details and I would await to hear from her.

So 2/3 weeks since he got my sols details and I'm still waiting. He's now going to drag it out or not bother isnt he? I won;t get much in the way of a settlement from the divorce (around £4,000) but it would be a little way towards helping save for a deposit for my own house (from which I want to start my own business but the business I want to do needs a house with some land). If I start the divorce it will eat into my settlement I'm sure - in fact I'll probably have to fight him for the 4k as in previous communication he has never mentioned any settlement for me from divorce, just the continuing payment for kids every month. He'll fight it just because he earns 6 figures and just because he can - he left me and has a gf etc but I'll still be punished for not doing things "his way" it seems.

I can't ask family to help as have approached them before and they are negative, plus I needed a new car and my dad has bought me one and I'm paying him back. With no hopes of getting a new job within 9-4/5 on the horizon I'm stuck in limbo and it;s so frustrating!

But what do you mean 4000 no there is a lot more pensions etc
Get a lawyer and start it by yourself why wait for him.

He was/is self employed, we lived abroad for 7 years, he has no private pensions (certainly none he took out when we were together that I knew of) and since he never stayed ina job long before going self employed his other pensions are practically nothing, no assets, savings or property. Half hour free visit with sol last year says only entitled to half of what was in the foreign joint account when he left which works out to £4000. Having done a test on legal aid site I wouldn't be eligible for legal aid either so i'm going to have nothing out of it when divorce over after fees unless he pays them?

My gosh ....my case which is dire seems so much better compared to yours.
I always wonder what the hell ive done to myself and my children marrying a person like him why oh why

If there's so little assets why are you using solicitors? Doing the divorce yourself is easy and cheap, you just have to fill in the paperwork and get him to sign.

Just divorce him on grounds of adultery,fill in paperwork, tick for him to pay fees?

@Palaver1, yes I royally F'd it up, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

@HollyBollyBooBoo , I want to use sols because he is abusive and controlling, I do not trust him not to try and get away with anything and everything he can. In fact, he sent me an email last year stating what his idea of the settlement would be: which was the set amount he is paying each month for the DCs to continue, that we would arrange in advance for them staying with him and what was happening for birthdays etc, and.... that's it. No mention of anything due to me after 17 years of marriage. All the money etc in his mind is his.....without some authoratative figure telling him that I'm ENTITLED to something, he would fight it out with me all the way. My opinions/thoughts/feelings haven't mattered for the last 22 years, I doubt they would matter to him now!

@RandomMess we've been separated for over 2 years so that wouldn't work plus I have no evidence of adultery.

So go back to him with a counter offer and tell him what you're expecting. You can't be passive in this which I get will be very tough if that's been your stance all these years.

If you're truly only going to get £4K all of that will go on solicitors fees so it's a pointless fight.

@HollyBollyBooBoo if I go back to him with what I want it will be ignored, this is what I'm saying. Unless someone like a solicitor or judge tells him that's what I'm entitled to, he wouldn't give a monkeys what I say. There is no reasoning with him because he's a selfish, self-absorbed abusive and controlling human being. This is why I haven't filed for divorce first, I will lose the little of what I am entitled to in being the one who filed it.

So does he have to pay for solicitors for both parties and give you the £4K or will you get half of whatever is left after he's paid for both solicitors?

From what I've read, whoever files for divorce pays for it but I don't have all the details as I've had only a free half hour with my sol. If I want to see my sol for an hour to discuss things/start divorce, it will cost me £190 for that hour - which is a quarter of my monthly wage.........

Are you in Scotland or elsewhere?

Scotland

That will change the legalities of costs etc.

In England because of his much higher earnings I would have said go after spousal maintenance and for him to pay legal fees, wouldn't expect you to get much but perhaps more than the 50% but it sounds like Scottish Law is very different