Stay or go?

[Helpmeplease235]

Please Could i have some people opinions and thoughts. Married10 years, together 18, DD 7 years old. At a crossroads in regards marriage, we have nothing in common, I don't enjoy spending time together. I stay upstairs as long as possible at DD bedtime. There has been no sexual relationship or intimacy for years. I feel so lonely in my own home and feel I have reached my limit of make beleive and playing happy families. I have been putting on a smile for as long as I can recall so my daughter sees a happy family life. My heart tells me I should leave. Husband is a negative person, the total opposite to me( or as I once was) and I feel like the joy has slowly been sucked out of me..sounds very dramatic 🤣. I have twice in the last 3 years seen a counsellor and both times have resulted in me deciding to make the leap . I am.only 43 and want to be happy again. In February last year I voiced my feeling and Husband was totally unaware at how unhappy I was..am. He , obviously , was totally against any separation and I decided that I should be grateful to have a lovely home and a providing husband . However , here i am again, feeling that i am trapped, suffocated and living a lie. I feel as though I can't be me, the person I want to be, whilst being with husband. Obviously this is a very quick overview , but in summary I feel like I have, for the last 5 years at least, been sating after Christmas, after holiday, afyer birthdays etc, then I'll leave. I guess what I'm trying to judge is how unhappy is unhappy enough to validate leaving a marriage and causing upset to my daughter . Anyone else been through similar? Hes not a bad man, he provides, daughter loves him, I just can't bear the thought of staying with him.
Thanks for any advice or thought s.

It doesn't sound like a marriage that I'd want to stay in.

Can you afford to split is more the question?

Leave. A thousand times over.

Has your husband offered to try to change the things you're finding hard? Could you start doing more that makes you happy /fulfilled?

Why is he bringing you down?

It sounds so familiar to me, esp the bit where you don't feel like you're being yourself. It's so hard.

I left. After years of trying to engage husband in ways to improve our marriage, but at end of day, he genuinely didn't understand why I felt like I did and what I needed from the relationship. 5 years later he still claims my leaving was a total surprise to him and has no idea I was unhappy.

It was hard leaving, hard telling the children, hard setting up a new home, hard financially, hard retraining in a job that would support us, hard trying to keep things as normal as possible for the children BUT worth it! I'm me again and I'm being a proper mum, I'm the happiest I've ever been and I've never regretted the decision.

The children don't like being from a " broken" home as it makes them different from their friends, but we talk through things and I'm sure as they get older they'll understand more.

I do grieve for the loss of the traditional "family unit" but also understand that it would've been at the expense of my mental well being.

Talk the practicalities through, who will leave, how much money will you both need, where will it come from etc. Agree on everything before you tell your daughter and tell her together, agree everything together before hand and it takes the reasonability away from the child. Avoid blame at all costs!

The more you talk about it, the more it becomes possible and the stronger you will get, just take it one step at a time and it'll fall into place. ❤️

What 45 has said

Hi, thanks so much for reading and replying. So an update is that H and I have started discussion about wether we carry on. We are both so unhappy, he wants to try again, I feel like it is a perpetual cycle of being unhappy, pretending all good and putting on a happy face, getting to same place a few months later , until i can t continue it and the conversation starts again. I feel so bad for making him feel so sad, however I also can't be responsible for his happiness. I feel I have been putting a lid on my happiness and emotions to ensure that he is happy, and every time the lid if lifted they come pouring out again. So basically , i think we have reached the cross road of try again, again, or part ways. I feel so so callous and like a total monster... is this normal? Probably a very stupid question, but I have spent so many years now not listening to my inner self I don't know how to! 45andfine I do have interest, plenty of friends, my own pastime business. So external to the marriage I feel happy and fulfilled. To be honest i think I have reached a point where there is nothing that he could do ,or not do , as much as it sounds a cop out, it is me! I need to be me and I simply can't.. make any sense?