How to explain domestic abuse to child

[Prepaymentfear]

My children are 4 (near 5) and 3 and haven't seen their dad since January 2017. There is a PSO, no direct or indirect contact and a high level of domestic violence.

My 4 year old has just started asking questions about where her dad is, and more importantly where her sister is.

Is there any resources that might help?

How do I explain? I don't want to lie and make him into someone she hopes will be back etc but I don't want her to know a grim back story. I'm trying to find a very age appropriate explanation I guess.

Help

Would "dad did some things that weren't so good and mummy has to keep you safe" be too much?

Sorry but just to get the picture - she is also asking where her sister is? Are both children not with you? (sorry I am being thick!)

I would probably be considering the lines of 'Daddy isn't well and has gone away to get better'. I'd reassure that he's fine but he's just under care. I would avoid I think at this stage the idea that yes bad and you have to protect them from him. It's very important to keep your explanation simple, unalarming and within the bounds of emotional
comprehension for their age and stage.

I'm not sure this is a situation where absolute honesty is right. They need to be old enough to process. They are nowhere near that yet.

I'm so sorry you're having to do this 💐

Her sister is big sister from their dad. They were very close before he decided to pull the innocent child in to his games.

I just worry I will be giving her false hope if I pretend he can get better?

My son is adopted so a bit different but I used to say at that age that his birth mom "didnt make the right choices"and intent in his life anymore because we had to keep him safe.
I think your comment would be fine.
Also try to get into conversations about different types of families so she doesn't think shes the only one in this situation. (Not with detail, just like that some families have mom and dad. Some just mom etc. )

No you aren't giving false hope about getting better as people with some illness can take years to get better. Additionally as they get older you change the narrative slightly.

Also the older sister as a teen may seek them out of her own accord.

as they get older you change the narrative
Yes. As their world view and experience widens, along with their cognitive power.

Right now, the first priority is to protect them from the full truth, so they can develop in peace and without fear. As they get older, you can adjust the picture.

And I said gone to get better which doesn't guarantee or promise anything, but lis more positive and hopeful than saying banished forever as was a danger to you. The thought of a parent being effectively written off is also v traumatic for kids. So just leave the idea of him hanging somewhere vaguely good and beneficial.

At some point, when they're older, it can and may well transpire that he is pretty much always not quite better, but there's no need to worry them with that now. I think.

I suppose what I mean is that time is very helpful. If they just get used to the absence without exactly knowing why he's gone, it will be easier to accept he's gone.

I don’t know, but whatever you do say I would pick something that is at least true (gone away to get better isn’t in that category for me). And be prepared for supplementary questions, you might not get to just say one thing and that’s it. Like, where’s he gone exactly, why can’t we go, when will he be back?

I agree that saying gone away to get better implies he might get better. Also they may ask where and when, etc. But it really depends on what happened when he was around them. If he scared them (which presumably he must have, if such a high level of DV?) then maybe it's better to say 'don't worry - he's gone - never coming back' ??

Whatever is needed to reassure them of their safety now. By the sounds of it he isn't realistically ever coming back on the scene, so it just has to boil down to: he was ill; he's gone.

It's really hard to say more specifically without details of exactly what they experienced of him and how they feel towards him, and wouldn't ask you to tell us that, so I just would say to use the guiding principle of reassurance and safety. (The idea of Dad as a loving father and protector by the sounds of it doesn't exist for them - so just hold them close and see if a deserving father comes into your/their life in the future.)