Won’t to quit on life

[Tori93]

Hi Moms,

HELP!!!!So I have been battling depression since I was a child but didn’t get a formal diagnosis until I joined the military. I married another soldier eight months into my contract, and my life went down hill from there. I was so naive and ignored all the glaring red flags. What started as little lies about his family, exes, and his intentions towards me escalated once we said I do. We broke up about a year into the courtship over him lying, and he came begging me me back to marry him. As soon as I got married to him I found out I was pregnant. We weren’t trying per se but we definitely were not preventing it either. The month after my pregnancy I discovered that my husband attempted to have sex with a previous coworker. He begged and pleaded and I eventually agreed to move on with our marriage, and the pregnancy. For some reason though I began to get more and more depressed until I didn’t even want to get out of bed. My husband and I fought constantly, and our marriage was taking a turn for the worse. After baby came I discovered again my husband had an “emotional affair”. I left him after that and we separated for six months. But guys I never felt a bond to my now two year old son, and it’s so hard to cope. I got out the military and got back with my husband, and he keeps promising to change but never does. I have no family and the ones that I do are very toxic. I’m living here with him and we are once again contemplating a divorce. PLEASE, someone tell me that I’m ok, and not crazy. I’m thinking of allowing our son to stay with my ex until I get my self together mentally. As well as finish nursing school, and get the psychological and psychiatric help that I need. I know life is worth living but for now it doesn’t seem that way.

You’re not crazy.

Life is worth living.

I’d have told you a different answer from age 12-35, when I was battling depression.

Hang on in there

Thank you soooo much I really appreciate your reply!! I’m 25 now, and hopefully I’ll be looking back and be grateful for it all.

I’d be careful, depression can lead you to not develop a bond with your child. Seek help first.

If you do split, maybe try 50:50 as this will give you time to yourself to relax/study/build a career but this comes with issues of shared childcare and having a lot of contact time with your ex. 50:50 is hard to increase in the future so take time to check that is what you want. Have a holiday, make/see friends, have some ‘me time’ and try and see a counsellor. The military may have some funding in place for this. It is important to rule out the depression as the reason for the disconnect you feel with your son.

I never felt a bond with my son. He is now 18. My daughter at 14 is different. I have had depression most of my life and was in a relationship which I didn't see til it was a lot later was emotionally abusive. He may have had a great front but control was massive as was putting me down for having illnesses I can do little or nothing about. I changed career cos he didn't cope with me being in a male dominated career in engineering and became a care assistant.

I didn't leave until the youngest was 13 and had a 10 year plan including starting nurse training when my youngest started school . The long game felt like the only way as I had no local support of note for a career requiring unsocial hours. With hindsight it was the wrong thing and I should have found a way. Try to get a break and work your plans out and work on it now...

Hi op,

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. I don't think you're crazy. I think you're vulnerable and don't really have anywhere to turn to. Well done for having ambitions to be a nurse. It is possible that your environment including depression has been a barrier to you bonding with your baby. The good bees is you can change this. Can you call your health visitor? They will know what is available locally and may be able to refer you on. There a fantastic intervention called video interaction guidance that really helps parents become more attuned and attached to their babies. Have a look and see if it's available in your area.

Good advice about asking a professional for help.

How are you feeling today, OP? I hope there’s a spark of hope, but it’s fine if there’s not.

You’re through the day.

Hi ladies! Thank you all very much! My son is currently spending some time with his grandmother. I’ve contacted a counselor to see what’s going on with me. I just know that I love my son but it’s like I didn’t get that magical mom feeling that you see in the movies. Plus everything with my marriage only exasperated how I feel towards my child. Today was hard, but I made it through.

Hi! Thank you, I’ve made an appointment to see a counselor. My son is currently with his grandmother while my husband and I sort everything out. I’m thinking 50/50 would probably be ideal and using our sons daycare as a drop off/ pick up point. That way we don’t have to see each other as much. I’m hoping with counseling and getting back into uni in the spring I’ll feel better.