Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Flip

Original poster

Please help me word a message to ExDH

16 replies

KevinKlineSwoon · 08/10/2019 17:01

DD1 who's 13 has decided she doesn't want to see her dad. As a husband, he was unreasonable, selfish, showed signs of emotional abuse and has a massive ego. DD1 finds him the same but doesn't know I felt this way.

They clash constantly, argue, he drops her home without warning etc. He has a terrible temper.

She has told him she will see him once a month after he threatened her that he would stop paying child support. This weekend, he turned up seven hours late which caused her to miss an appointment with her counsellor. (She has anxiety. I was at work. Kids were at his mum's who can't drive) Now DD2 says she doesn't want to see him either.
He blames me for this. He thinks it's because I left him. He says he doesn't have my support. He wants me to make kids see him and is threatening court if I don't.
The things is, I encourage the kids constantly. I make them apologise if they are rude or hurtful to him, I have gone for dinner and the cinema with the three of them because it's sometimes the only way the kids will see him. But there comes a point when I am on my kids' side. I want them to be happy. I know he can't stop paying support and he can make financial threats all he likes. But I want him to understand that the problems are at his end. He has just shouted at me at work and I want it to stop.

OP posts:

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/10/2019 17:05

'Dear Twat, your daughter doesn't want to see you any more as she does not like how you treat her and your behaviour towards her. She is old enough to make her own decision now, and I respect that.'

I've just had exactly the same situation with my 16 year old. Her dad has moderated his behaviour but I'm not sure it's going to last. She's still only seeing him once a week but he knows that if he goes back to his old ways he'll be history. This might give your ex the shock he needs. Also the courts will take her views into account at her age, so let him threaten that if he wants. What's the worst that could happen?

unicornsarereal72 · 08/10/2019 17:41

I too have been there and knew it was going to cause a shit storm. Ex is aggressive angry man and thinks everyone should do as he says.

Your dd is of an age she has to be listened too. And see you standing up for her.

Keep it brief and factual. If thee are example he can't dispute. Being 7 hours late maybe high light them. I would keep it simple.

Dd doesn't want to see you this week. I will continue to encourage her to resume contact but the decision is hers now she is over 13. And we need to respect her wishes.

spiritslevel · 08/10/2019 17:45

I knew eventually my son who is very emotionally intelligent would see his dad who lacks any EQ, for who he is. And he did

pinkpixie83 · 08/10/2019 17:46

I'm currently going through this too, with an 11 year old and 9 year old.
He refuses to listen, so has pushed for meditation. Time to wait and see what that resolves.
Unfortunately he sees no wrong in himself and it's all me.

averythinline · 08/10/2019 17:46

tell him as below - then call his bluff...if he wants to take it to court..let him fuck all will happen....
how has he shouted you at work? you dont need to speak to him.....stop letting him bully you and the DC - show them you are listening to them not kow towing to him...

Original poster

KevinKlineSwoon · 08/10/2019 17:47

@spiritslevel This is exactly the same as me

OP posts:

Original poster

KevinKlineSwoon · 08/10/2019 17:57

ExDH has been shouting at me (at work!) saying he doesn't feel he has my support. I told him he doesn't. My job is to support my kids not him. He thinks I'm being unreasonable and should make the kids go with him. Surely that is crazy?!

OP posts:

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 08/10/2019 18:06

If it's not the best thing for your kids to see him then no, you shouldn't support him. My ex pulled the 'we have to present a united front' card for years until I realised that if he doesn't respect his daughter and treat her right, then he doesn't deserve to see her. Don't let him bully you OP.

whomovedmychocolate · 08/10/2019 18:07

He cannot withhold child support because his kids hate him. But you don't want to go through that crap anyway.

Ask him if he'd like to have a mediated meeting - you can usually get family mediators for about £50 an hour.

Don't argue with him directly at all.

The facts are:

(1) your child was disappointed in his behaviour and this is a reaction to that
(2) You cannot coerce a teenager into having a relationship with someone who does not treat them well.
(3) If you force your daughter to go to him when she either does not feel safe because of his anger, you are teaching her that it's okay for men to be emotionally coercive (not a good strategy).

Find a local family mediation person and say to him (quite reasonably) in order to fix this problem, we need to talk about it with a third party.

p.s. he sounds like a twunt.

quincejamplease · 08/10/2019 18:17

You can't reason with an abusive person.

He's driven by needing to control the breed of you, so will say whatever ridiculous shit he thinks increases the chances of achieving that (even just by making you continue trying to persuade him) and has no interest in anything you say.

Don't waste your energy trying to come up with the perfect words to get him to see reason and behave reasonably - they don't exist!I

Keep it clear, concise, factual. And then stop engaging with the games and threats.

quincejamplease · 08/10/2019 18:19

I suspect if you looked at the Freedom Programme your analysis might be a bit different than "signs of" abuse. He just sounds like a textbook domestic abuser and he's continuing it with your children.

Original poster

KevinKlineSwoon · 08/10/2019 18:22

Thank you for all the advice. It seems there are lots of dads like him. He really can't see past his own shadow. He actually tried to blame DD1's counsellor for her feelings towards him, then blamed me then my new partner who DD1 has only met 4 times. This has been going on for years but has only come to a head in the last few months. DD1 is incredibly unhappy. She would like to have no contact with him and dreads even the one afternoon a month she has been seeing him.
I have found a family mediation centre in the city near us and have e mailed them and texted ExDh. He has agreed. Thank you!

OP posts:

Dropthedeaddonkey · 09/10/2019 06:41

I would say little in case he argues parental alienation. I would say this is nothing to do with you but the wishes of the children. He is welcome to apply to court which has officers trained to assess children’s wishes and make decisions about contact. I would say you will let the court decide. The court will collect evidence eg from children, counsellor etc and make a decision. This is what it’s there for. My friend had a violent ex and she stepped back and left it to the court and it decided he should not have contact with their child. If some contact is ordered it might be supervised. You need to be sure he cannot argue you are influencing or alienating them from him so be very careful what you say or put in writing. I also think however awful he is the children may feel guilty or regret it later and so it must come from them and really be their own decision. Explain to the children that if he goes to court it’s not scary and what will happen is a specially trained family officer will talk to them about their reasons and write a report for a judge. I’m not sure how you can mediate as you are not preventing access it’s the children’s decision not to have it unless your children are willing to agree to some contact with a third party present eg a family member or at a contact centre. It shouldn’t be you. Mediation is for where there is a compromise to be had. It’s probably worth doing it to explain to him the effect of his behaviour but unless you are going to overrule your child’s wishes then I’m not sure what you can agree to.

Original poster

KevinKlineSwoon · 09/10/2019 10:57

@Dropthedeaddonkey Thank you. This is very good advice. Luckily, I'm always very careful in what I text him since I don't want my words to be taken out of context. The only time he sees the kids is when I encourage it for exactly the reasons you say. I don't want either of the kids to change their mind and regret things later.

OP posts:

Windydaysuponus · 09/10/2019 11:00

Ds went nc with exh at 12. No texts. I never heard a peep from him.
Neither did ds...
He has seen him at 2 funerals and he played df of the year as expected.
No maintenance /contact to me at all.

Palaver1 · 13/10/2019 09:33

Your children will always respect you if you listen and act on their concerns.
Why should they have to deal with fathers that have been known to be mean and manipulative.If we as wife’s could not tolerate them why should we expect our children to put up with the shit.

Flip