Scared to leave

[KiwiNomad]

Hey all

I have been a lurker for years reading about others struggles whilst internally debating what to do in my own situation. Me and DH have had a tumultuous relationship for years, largely due to his drinking and depression coupled with our completely different styles of communication. He is a doting dad but can't cope with my independent spirit and work commitments (I am main breadwinner) Last year he tried to take his own life as I was wanting to leave him. I do care for him but can't imagine living life like this for ever. Recently he has missed his depression meds a bit and has threatened to kick me out late at night and beat me up. We have a complicated situation as he doesn't yet have permanent residency where we live and the kids are on his visa. I am afraid that he will not cope if I leave and may get nasty and try and retaliate or hurt himself. We have been seeing a marriage counselor and even she doesn't know how to help us.

Let him crack on and hurt himself - he's manipulating you with suicide threats. Make a plan, and leave - are you in your home country or what's the situation there. Is there a women's aid organisation where you are?

Are you in NZ but kids were born elsewhere?

Yes, kids born in UK so can likely still get them visas myself but just linked to his originally.

Do you have a support network in NZ? Anyone you can talk to in real life?

I feel so stuck and would also feel massively responsible if he did hurt himself. He has already outright blamed me for the last time.

We share ownership of our house too which his parents paid for a large part of deposit but I have pretty much been paying the mortgage for the better part of last two years. I have suggested that because it has increased in value, we would both get enough from a sale to get another deposit each but he wants to get back his deposit and half value increase and is adamant he won't let me take the girls. I don't want to stop them seeing him but actually scared that his unpredictable mental state when drinking could provoke him to hurt me somehow. He can't seem to see that his drinking is one of the main problems. I also am loathe to move my kids from their school as we have finally found somewhere they are really happy with, have friends etc which has been tricky for my dd in the past as she is autistic. There is not often places coming up for rent or sale in this area.

During the day he is always apologetic but cannot remember half the stuff he says to me.

I guess I have been hoping that he will sort himself out but realise that's probably unrealistic.

We have been seeing a marriage counselor but she hasn't been much help tbh. My family is here but I guess I have been keeping things largely to myself as didn't want to trouble them or make them think of DH in a bad light.

Hi OP, 💐💐
Oh please tell your family, you need that support now. Your H sounds unpredictable and a bit scary. You could start to make a plan and I'm sure your family would support you with that. Time to put yourself and your DC's first. You are not responsible for his actions.

Hi OP, how are you?