Support needed

[Nighowl]

Just feel so overwhelmed. We decided to split on Thursday so very early days. We have been together for 19 years this Christmas and have two primary school age kids. Not sleeping, not eating properly, feel sick and just about holding it together for the kids. So worried about the future, being on own juggling work and kids. Work part time at the moment, will get a lump sum from some of house but pretty sure I dont earn enough to get a mortgage so will have to spend all my equity on rent. Will be left with nothing by the time the kids are grown up. Trying to be positive, at least I have money and job, beautiful kids etc but keeping having overwhelming moments of pure panic at the reality of it all. I know it’s the right thing as we have been trying to make things work for three years now and although I love him I’m not in love any more and just cannot force those feelings back. At the same time I can’t picture not seeing him and talking to him every day. Sorry it’s a lot of waffle but not yet ready to speak to friends and family

Hello, I split from my husband of 21 years a couple of months ago and we have one primary school aged child so I understand the shock.

You’ll learn a lot over the next few months so don’t feel rushed about money stuff etc. There are options such as potentially staying in the house etc. But first take the time to recover from the initial shock and take stock of the situation.

I also didn’t tell anyone for a couple of weeks. Then just told my parents. Didn’t tell any friends for over a month - I just found it easier that way. But I also found I got a lot of support when I did tell people so consider that.

You will be ok. Feel free to PM me if you need to chat x

Thank you solitaryradiator x

Hi
My husband and I have separated after 25 years together and 21 married. We were under the same roof for the first 4 months but I have moved with the kids now and he is sofa surfing (not here) waiting to go into a new build at end of October.
Kind of the opposite situation to you OP as he has left stating he no longer is in love with me and has tried but can’t regain it (2 years in flux, counselling etc) .
My kids are 17,17 and 12 so slightly older.
Happy to chat - some days are OK, some not, I have a fab network of friends but my best friend is no longer here ....
No OW, no particular issues, hard to process at times.

Get legal advice before you move out. It's hard I know but go and get advice. It's really eye-opening to discover what you will be entitled to.

I’m sorry your going through this, it takes time and for me it’s got worse before better. I would echo getting not making any decisions before speaking to a solicitor. I’m sure your feeling it has to be fair but ultimately you need to ensure the kids are housed. In my area renting was almost impossible as was social housing, I have 4 children and after debt there wouldn’t be much money left if your only working part time I assume you may look to claim benefits it’s worth considering if you get a lump sum from the house sale this may impact you claiming as it’s not being invested back in a house. Take some time to process and then look at your financial commitments could you afford the mortgage what would the maintenance be? Then see a solicitor before making any big decisions xx

How are you doing today @Nighowl?

Get yourself a notebook. When the worries come up, write them down. Make lists. Get educated on where you stand and where you might like to be as the children grow up. Getting things down on paper, be they worries and thoughts, nuggets of advice or pieces of information you find out is a real mental help. For me its a bit like an extra brain compartment. It hasn't made my worries go away but it certainly helps me deal with them in a logical way and means I don't have the extra worry of thinking I might forget something important.

Hi @Nighowl, you have my sympathy and you are not alone in going through the trauma of separation after such a long relationship & kids together I have just split up (late August) with my "D"H after 19 years & DS together. He has moved in immediately with OW. We were on the rocks and I wasn't sure if I was in love with him anymore but still loved him - his betrayal with OW & the speed with which he has moved on has devastated me. It has been a very tough time. I thought I was getting stronger but I've cried a lot the last couple of days (triggered by huge row with ex yesterday). I move from disbelief to rage to sadness constantly. Sometimes I feel ok in between. It is an exhausting, bewildering and fearful time - you are not alone the things that have helped me most since this happened: 1) exercise 2) avoiding drinking alcohol and avoiding eating crap food (to be fair my appetite completely disappeared for the first month so I had to force myself to eat so that I had the strength to exercise) 3) seeing friends and family as much as possible - making lots of plans 4) when the sadness and grief hits me I let it out and cry until I don't want to cry anymore 5) reading lots of self help books about how to cope with separation (I can recommend some books if you like?) 6) getting as much sleep as possible - do sleep meditations & other things you know will help you sleep 7) getting free legal advice sessions booked in with different solicitors (I have seen 3 now and know who I would prefer to work with, they have all been very different). 8) taking small practical steps/completing small tasks towards separation and independence. Everyone says that time heals and even though we can't imagine it now that in time we will be able to look back on this horrible time and realise we are ok again & hopefully happier for the change. I look forward to that!

Thank you all for your replies. Was very very low yesterday. Finances are a massive worry.... if we sell and I can’t get a mortgage to reinvest I basically have to use all my equity on living as would not be entitled to any benefits. If I manage to get a mortgage I will get a little help with living costs but it does not cover the outgoings in this area. Don’t want to move area and further disrupt the Kids forget. If I work more hours the universal credit goes down more and I end up no better off. If I get more maintenance the same happens.... every calculation I do ends up with not enough money!!! My only solution is to buy him out as we have an annex that we rent plus I could rent another room out to cover mortgage.... but I don’t think the mortgage lender will take rent and benefits into consideration plus I’m 47 so that will go against me too. The thought of just spending the equity on day to day living is making me ill.... how do people work it out? I’ve gone over and over the sums and I’m stuck!

@Shinsplints so sorry to hear what your going through I can see why you’d be devestated ☹️ I have all the exact emotions you’ve described..... I’m raging one minute bawling the next ( only once in the shower out of sight of the kids) Holding it together for kids and work is draining and I can’t eat. I do exercise like you - slightly addicted but recovering from a frozen shoulder so that’s been taken away too!!! Got a PB in park run at the weekend though ran so hard I nearly threw up.

@AllInTentsWithPorpoises I’m doing the lists, going to see a mortgage advisor to see if any of the above is possible, and will see solicitor.... just can’t help but see such a bleak future and feel guilty for putting this on my kids...

@Itsallchange have you moved areas then? I really don’t want to do that as the schools are good here and ds is looking forward to going to high school next year with his friends..... the figures just won’t work out though.....

@crocoonimper sorry to hear about your situation I know it’s the opposite to me however a lot has happened for me to get to this point and I’d do anything for us to be how we were 5 years ago... but I think three years of unhappiness for both of us is enough. Part of me does think though maybe I should just get on with it and pretend or maybe we should just stay as we are but as friends?
So sorry to hear about your friend ☹️

@nighowl no we are staying put h agreed to a mesher and solicitor agreed only way forward hoping to buy him out within a couple of years but gives me breathing space. With 4 kids my only other option was part ownership but the houses are not big enough. Maybe worth a look in your area x

You can look at a mesher order if there’s no way of housing your children with the equity - that’s what we’re doing. You really do need to see a solicitor though because it’s all individual. If you’re on the South East let me know and I can recommend mine

Hello

I have just started my third week of being separated from DP and I have DS aged 4 and DD aged 8. Like you I am very concerned about using up my equity to pay rent and bills. I work part time 26 hours and realise this is not the right time to go full time as I want to spend at least one day a week with DS before he starts school. My budget will just not balance even taking into account maintenance. I could move to a cheaper area but DD will not even talk about moving schools atm.

Sending a hug and some it's a very stressful time.

@Solitaryradiator yes I am in the south east!
Just booked 2 solicitor appt for next week but I doubt DH would agree to a Mesher??? I will look into shared ownership though as hadn’t thought if that

It’s not always a matter of agreeing....the court - if it went to that- will always do whatever’s in the best interest of the children. And that’s usually having a secure home in the area where they go to school.

Let me know if you want my solicitor recommendation. I’ve only had the initial meeting, she’s not cheap but was excellent in advice

My H was overly happy but tbh once I’d spoken to my solicitor and she advised that this was really the only secure option for the kids, no social housing and very limited rental market, defo are a good solicitor, once I’d seen mine I wrote him a letter which he took to a solicitor and think she advised would not be in interest to fight it, we would lose all the equity and he would probably lose anyway

@mummymcphee
That’s sounds so similar to me. I’ve just seen a mortgage advisor and I can get a mortgage but I’m still going to be 80k short of an average 3 bed property in my area 😫 I just don’t know what to do now.... if my equity is not in property it will go and I won’t get any universal credit at all, if it’s in property it’s pretty safe and I get universal credit to help with living costs! The thought of spending all that money on living costs is awful... I know I sound entitled and I know I’m lucky to have the money at all and I’m trying to look on the bright side but I just dont know how I’m going to work this out!!!

@Nighowl I’m not sure if I’ve replied on one of your posts, but have you considered shared/part ownership. That way you may be able to afford to buy your equity goes back into property and you can claim your universal credit, you may even get help
On the rental part?

@Itsallchange yes I’ve been looking into that and there’s none in my area. I so want to keep the kids in the same school so they have their friends. The changes they will go through will be big enough without adding that too.

You can have mortage extended.its done all the time now