Advice - porn/web cams etc

[11MrsLuther]

Name change for some advice.
My husband and i have been married 21 years. Have 4 children and have periods of up and down, stress, money problems, ill health- pretty normal. Sex has been fine, usually great during all these years.

4 years ago I discovered he'd been using web cam type porn, and many sites where you comment on the photos - so not just looking iyswim and also came across a list of sex workers he'd made for an area he was visiting. I'm pretty sure he didn't visit a sex worker but who knows. A few months later I found profiles on many sites looking for affairs, with his photos, what he was looking for etc and he had been exchanging photos, emails and videos with women from these sites. He had a secret email account to do this. Obviously the photos and videos were of each other and very explicit.

We had counselling. I though about leaving but honestly was too scared..we've been together for 25 years since I was 18.

More recently I found another secret email address and phone. He had been exchanging videos with another woman. There was one photo if him wanking over his phone with her photo on, in our bathroom which particularly upset me. Plus loads of explicit photos of him taken at work. He had also been using amateur porn sites where you comment on the photos too.

He swore it was all behind home and agreed to get specialist addiction counselling..I found out later that he never went.

Despite all this I still loved him. Even though he wasn't even very nice to me except each time I found out. Then this summer, something changed and I started to feel empty and that I really wasn't sure if I still loved him. I have a close (very long standing) friendship with a male friend and over the last year, I developed some feelings for him. Obviously nothing has happened but I think this spurred me into reassessing the whole marriage.

Yesterday I found my husband had a web cam site pinned to his home bar on the computer. I'm not sure of you have to pay or not but it seems to be live cams.

I know this sounds pathetic but I have no idea how I would manage alone - money/kids arc. I have good friends but little/No family support.

My husband says he was just bored one night this week and looking at some porn.

I know I sound like the most pathetic, stupid woman ever.

Being on your own is a terrifying prospect, but knowledge is power here. It's all unknown at the moment and it's hard to know where to start I know but you will feel stronger if you know how things would actually be.

Seeing a solicitor is probably the quickest way to find out where you would stand financially in a divorce, you don't have to actually do anything but they could look over your paperwork (his income details, any property, pension etc) and give you an idea what you'd be entitled to. There's websites to work out benefit entitlement if that applies too.

Start there, focus on the practical for now and see where that leaves you, then you can think about the emotional side. You're worth more than this though, you know that

Thank you so much for replying. I've just booked a solicitor appointment for next week, something I've been thinkingg about for ages but your message pushed me into actually doing it. X

I'm really glad, hope it goes well. You can do this completely at your own pace, the decisions will come easier once you have all the information. Come back and talk it through as you go along if it helps, you might get more traffic on the Relationships board though so maybe start a new post over there so you get the best support.

I want to say don't be scared and that you will be ok, but of course you're going to be scared and you won't believe you'll be ok yet. It's a case of gritting your teeth and getting through this next bit, it won't be easy but you will come out the other side and be happy again. I didn't say before but I'm really sorry you're going through this, he doesn't deserve you

Thanks again and I have posted on relationships now. I really appreciate you replying

You do not sound pathetic, he does. No advice as I can't imagine what this feels like but want to wish you well x

Thanks for your message newbie1981

Get all the facts you need first from the solicitor and then make an informed decision. My story is very similar to yours, hook up sites, cam sessions, secret email and messages dating back to the year we were married - oh and a gambling addiction thrown in for good measure and I also have 4 kids. It took 3 months from my initial solicitor’s appointment until I kicked him out. It’s been nearly 2 years now and i’m Hoping to finalise everything before Christmas. If you ever want to pm me, you’re more than welcome. 💐 You’ve got this.

Thanks so much Bettalife, I'm sorry you went through it too. Xx

You do not sound pathetic, do not be sorry at all. His behaviour is extremely deceptive and calculated. Forget the whole sex and porn thing even, the deception, planning and manipulation is a massive issue, deceiving you to such a degree when he is aware you find it hurtful. He has destroyed any trust between you and is probably relying on the fact that this is embarrassing to you so you will not kick up a fuss. You have probably only reached the top of the iceberg of what exists or what is yet to come.