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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

'Rules' to protect the kids

2 replies

JCMusic · 03/10/2019 16:42

I know it sounds like a cliche, but actually I am really am after some advice/input for someone else.
My brother whom I love dearly, lives in the US and has been married for 12 years with two daughters (6 and 8).
His relationship with his wife is pretty abusive and because he is such a kind gentle person he has put up with it for years, especially as he has always wanted to protect the girls from a painful family break up.
But things have become so unbearable that he feels he has no choice but to leave.
I was discussing this with him today and and I suggested a good way of moving forward might be to have a list of 'rules' or principals that he and his wife both agree to (they could even sign a piece of paper to signify their intentions) in order to make sure that the children always come first in the process of separation. Some of these things are obvious (don't ever let the children feel they are to blame etc) but I wonder if there might be some guiding principals to suggest that I may not have thought of?
I'd really like to help him navigate this painful difficult time, and whilst his parenting instincts are genuinely excellent, his wife is quite emotionally immature and I fear the potential for collateral damage to the children from her.
For this reason I thought a list as described above might be a good starting point to define a standard by which they can both be held to account.
I'd be really grateful for any suggestions or insights the hive mind could offer here..
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 03/10/2019 20:09

Sorry to hear your brother is having a hard time - his situation is not uncommon. It's always difficult to break free, so good luck to him.

The usual way of achieving what you describe is in a parenting agreement, which both parents develop together. There are good templates online, that allow parents to set out how they want to work together to co-parent. The kind of things that are often covered include not speaking disparagingly about the other parent; not blocking access to telephone contact etc during their time with the kids; discussing major decisons about schooling; education etc before they're taken; how handovers will work; who will do what by way of medical care / school appointments etc - essentially, anything that either parent thinks could be important.

Be warned, however, that this really depends on goodwill and maturity from both sides. My ex suffers from mental health issues that mean she can be pretty emotionally unstable. On a good day, she'd have no problem living within the framework of a parenting agreement. On a bad day...not a chance. So, it's worth a shot, but don't pin too much faith in it.

The best thing your brother can do is ensure he secures 50/50 residence, so that the kids always have a calm, stable, predictable, and loving environment for at least half their time. And be prepared to act, through the courts if necessary, if the mother engages in behaviour that is harmful to the kids.

In my case, I had to involve the school in safeguarding the kids' welfare in the early days, and through them Social Services (they were aware of us anyway, because the Police made a referral to them after she assaulted me). When she realised I wasn't messing about, and was prepared to take official action to safeguard the kids' wellbeing, she moderated her behaviour to some degree. So he needs to understand all the support and help that is available to the family, and access it when needed if the parenting agreement isn't enough to ensure that the mum acts appropriately towards the kids.

JCMusic · 04/10/2019 00:24

Thanks so much for the helpful kind reply.
Much appreciated.

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