Husband wants to separate after 19 years.

[Oakleaf40]

I'm desperate for some help and advice. My husband of 19 years wants to separate. He has been talking about it for a while and now he has told the children that we are having a trial separation. We have had a difficult last few years where he has had jobs and lost jobs and I have done nothing but support him. We went to counselling but it wasnt the best, I dnt think this person was a specialist in marriage guidance and we just sat and sat the same stuff each we. Going over and over the same subject we got nowhere from it. He now says we are better off as friends and doesn't want to try anything to save our marriage. I just dnt know what to do.. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Let him go and focus on yourself and the kids. Just that. Let him go.
Make sure he has the kids half the time if they are not babies, and get on with your life.
I promise you, it’ll be so much easier for you.

I'm sorry to hear that this is happening. It must feel awful. Do you have good friends and family that you can talk to? It helps to have good support.
I am divorced and can tell you that whilst it feels horrible at first it really does pass.
Have you thought about seeing a counsellor on your own? Whilst your recent experience of one was not good, it can be really helpful to see a good one.

I'm in the same circumstances, credit checks just come back for his new house. Wants to be close friends but says he wants a change. It's really hard. Pm me if you want to chat

He wants to be friends, he flirts on his Facebook page and tells me its just harmless . How can someone hurt you so much after all this time.

Thanks. I wish I could afford to. They are so expensive.

Thank you

Let him go if he's not in love anymore. Surely it's better to separate rather than stay in a loveless marriage?

Stay civil for the kids. Let him have 50/50 contact.
It'll take a while but you might even start to enjoy the single life and having a little more freedom.

Sorry OP but you'll be ok eventually x

You can’t hold a marriage together on your own, he needs to be willing too

It’s time to support yourself, be nice to him if you can ( so it’s not akward with the kids / though I would visualise kicking him where it hurts every now and then to vent my hurt and frustration )

Make sure he takes on half the responsibilities of the kids at least ( no slacking set the precedent )

Discuss a time scale for the trial separation .... so he doesn’t leave you hanging forever ... saying that try to move forward like it’s forever as much as possible

On the nights he has kids get your friends in ... you will need company rota them in.

Bottle of wine and nibbles ( you provide nibbles friend brings wine to share )

Movie out a different night

Clean and clear out the house like you have meant to

Cry

Join a gym or go swimming

Keep busy do every day tasks as well as new social activities keep moving at some point you will stop doing the motions and you will be living your life again

It’s hard when your the one left behind he may discover the grass isn’t greener , but don’t wait for him ... he forfeits that right by walking away x x

If he changes his mind it’s on your terms if he doesn’t ... you haven’t wasted time x x

You are worth loving don’t doubt that x

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, it must be dreadful for you. I had similar thing happen to me ten years ago. I had been with my ex husband 14 years when he told me he wanted to leave. It was a total shock. I agree with what another person has said on here set a time limit for trial separation, I didn't and my ex husband kept me hanging around for a year while he made his mind up. In hindsight I wished I hadn't wasted all that time. My friends were telling me to make the decision for him and let him go. He even came back for a while as he said he wanted to try again but I knew it was a half hearted effort, I also think this was because he hadn't met anyone better as he thought he would. In the end it was me who ended it as i thought i deserved better than someone who wasnt completely committed to me, everyone does, please remember that. I am disabled and with help I managed to get on with my own life with our child who was a toddler at the time but it was very hard at first. I met a lovely man a year or so later despite being in my 40s disabled and a single parent. Also I would say seek legal advice as in my heartbroken state I agreed to a lot of things that weren't in my best interests because I hoped he would come back. Best of luck xx

Thank you. I does really help to talk about it. RIP the plaster off if you know what I mean.. it means alot.

I thought I would reply to this given I am on the other things having split from my wife (19yrs) together 26yrs.

My experience is that putting he kids first is what's important here and you will be surprised how much they understand and in my case agreed on me leaving . To my wife it was a total shock but in reality we both knew it was on the cards. I have dedicated myself to ensuring I stay near the kids and see them as often as i can (Both late Teens) and this has helped in my relationship with them and their mum.

Yes it hurt like hell for a few months but it does get better. The main thing to focus on is being a great mum and allowing their dad to be a great dad. The rest you will find a way to resolve in the end.

I wish you well.

Sorry for the spelling, really should have checked before posting.

Of course and I will be putting them first, it's a massive shock after 19 years. And now to find him flirting on social media is even more heartbreaking.

Oakleaf, the social media flirting it downright cruel and insensitive at this time. I would suggest either not looking( hard I know but it's not going to do you any good)or blocking him until you feel stronger. I would suggest coming off the social media site he is on if you've got another way of keeping in touch with your friends.