Child maintenance and boarding schools

[Fullsteamahead]

I'm in the process of separating from my husband. We have two DC who are both currently at a boarding school. We were lucky enough to receive full financial support in respect of tuition from school but there are always lots of added extras that school don't pay for like uniforms, music tuition, laptops, school trips, travel to school and back (the school is a good distance away), etc, etc.

My OH has said that he wants to settle things amicably, we don't have any assets (like house or savings) to divide. We have agreed to pay the credit card debts 50/50.

He doesn't want me to go official route as regards to child maintenance and says that he will just pay half of all child related expenses.

Having read a few threads on here I got a bit of a fright at how some of these men behave following separation, so I started thinking ahead and wondering what if his circumstances changed and he simply decided not to pay those child related expenses. Where would I stand then?

Which brings me to the main question. If I did go via official route how would the child maintenance payments be calculated in these unusual circumstances where kids spend a lot of time at school and not with either parent?

OH works 4 on, 4 off and would only be able to have kids on their weekends off and holidays if they matched his days off/holidays.

I'm self employed and would have the children most of the time when they are at home.

Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated.

In all honestu I feel for the kids , stuck away at boarding school

It wasn't the purpose of my post to discuss the pros and cons of private education/boarding schools. I was merely hoping to see if anyone on Mumsnet has been in similar situation and could shine a light on the question I raised re child maintenance.

You can always do a private arrangement and then if it doesn't work out go to the CMS, but a good place to start is to look at the CMS calculator and see how much he would pay under their calculations.

Always best to be amicable if possible, but if he is offering less than CMS you need to point it out. If he is self employed or can manipulate his wages he may do so if you go down the CMS route.

Doing a private arrangement doesn't stop you going to cms later. I've found my private arrangement is financially a lot better.

Poor kids

But be aware that you may get some awkward comments about boarding school. my dd boarded from 16 (her choice) and there were some kids whose parents were divorced and were pretty screwed up, certainly needs careful handling. Dd was away when we split, we always did the drop offs together to ensure she felt loved

You could ask citizens advice. They state on their web page that

^“Boarding schools and hospitals
If the children are at boarding school or in hospital, the parent with care is the parent who would otherwise be providing their day-to-day care.”^

So I think you and he need to decide if the children were hypothetically not in a boarding school, who would they live with day to day? I think you implied it would be you. So that would make him the paying parent.

But you say too, you will have shared care and CMS amounts are then reduced according to the nights spent with the paying parent. Citizens advice might be able to tell you how they calculate that when a boarding school is involved.

This is something you could draw up as a family based agreement in mediation for the divorce. So it’s not official CMS but it is also not a wink and a handshake. It would be written, signed, reviewed by the lawyers.

I'd get some legal advice.

What happens in school holidays? Will he ya half the cost of feeding them or not because that's a grocery bill and not a clear cut child cost like uniform.

Pay not ya.

@IsItBetter thank you very much, I'll take a look at the calculator. The problem at the moment is that he seems to be amicable one day and then changes his mind the next. Let's hope we can sort it without any major issues.

@stucknoue thank you, I appreciate your input. Of course, we will both try our best to be there for the kids no matter what, they come first. I didn't expect to see negativity with regards to the whole boarding thing. I'm just not getting involved, it's the choice we all made as a family at a time and if my kids weren't happy where they are they simply wouldn't be there. I shall speak to OH about getting an agreement on child maintenance, you are right, I can always contact CMS later if things get out of control

@DoctorAllcome Thank you, I think you've given me the most sensible answer.

^“Boarding schools and hospitals
If the children are at boarding school or in hospital, the parent with care is the parent who would otherwise be providing their day-to-day care.”^

So I think you and he need to decide if the children were hypothetically not in a boarding school, who would they live with day to day? I think you implied it would be you. So that would make him the paying parent.

Yes, that would definitely be me, I'm self employed and I created my business with hours to suit childcare needs, or in worst case scenario kids would be with me during my working hours.

But you say too, you will have shared care and CMS amounts are then reduced according to the nights spent with the paying parent. Citizens advice might be able to tell you how they calculate that when a boarding school is involved.

We know OHs shifts and holidays years in advance as they are all set in stone. Hypothetically, he could have kids 50/50, however in reality it'll never work as he works rotating shifts which also include night shifts and his holidays are all set, so he cannot choose to go on holiday simply because kids are off school.

This is something you could draw up as a family based agreement in mediation for the divorce. So it’s not official CMS but it is also not a wink and a handshake. It would be written, signed, reviewed by the lawyers.

I have thought about mediation as a way forward but I've still to discuss it with OH, not sure how he will react to that...

@jay55

What happens in school holidays? Will he ya half the cost of feeding them or not because that's a grocery bill and not a clear cut child cost like uniform

During school holidays he could have children when he is off work but his shifts are set so if he is working then I would have to take over. If I'm honest we haven't even discussed the topic of groceries, but you are right it's definitely not a clear cut cost. We have been separated for a couple of months now and we have separate shelves in the fridge/freezer, he keeps his food separate from mine and kids and buys it separately too. That said he has on occasion bought biscuits for kids and once take away dinner for all including me.

If i were you i would sit down with a calendar and work out where you think the kids will stay fir the next year if you know his dates. Then you can estimate how many nights oer year/ week approx. Then throw it all in cms calculator to work out what that says.

You probably want that as a min and then maybe he tops up for other expenses . You don't necessarily need to share your workings with him but you will know what you need as a starting point. You could agree a sum in a global order so he cant change it. But be prepared for only the cms amount as bare minimum and plan your finances/life by that.

@elaeocarpus

If i were you i would sit down with a calendar and work out where you think the kids will stay fir the next year if you know his dates. Then you can estimate how many nights oer year/ week approx. Then throw it all in cms calculator to work out what that says.

Thank you, I'm going to do just that. It'll take me a little while but at least I'll have a starting point.

@fullsteamahead
I am in this position. Ex has dc infrequently and my mediation result was that he pays the recommended cm amount as if dc was at home full time, as my home is classed as the permanent base. My home runs to accommodate dc whether here or not, I still need the same amount of space and the day to day costs, albeit reduced in terms of utilities, food etc. aren't reduced by the need for clothes, shoes, uniform, trips, music lessons, toiletries, haircuts, clubs, mobile bill, transport... as per anyone else's expenses.

@Mac47 Thank you very much, that's very reassuring. I'm coming to realisation that we will have to go for mediation even if we try and do things amicably in order to sort out arrangements for kids and finances. I know OH will not want to go to mediation and we will inevitably have very tricky conversations ahead.