How do you deal with resentment?

[Eatingjamwithtwospoons]

I would be very grateful for advice.

I've been separated from STBXH for 7 months. He left after affairs and horrible behaviour from him. The OW has now left too so he's living the single life and he has become a full-on Disney Dad.

He has the children (7 and 4) every other weekend (10am Sat to 5pm Sun). Buys new toys for them every time. Takes them on exciting expensive trips. They eat rubbish all weekend. I can't compete and simply don't want to. He won't listen to anything I say, however gently I express it.

The eldest especially thinks his Dad is AMAZING. He actually cried this week as it wasn't a Dad weekend. We had to do boring chores like haircuts and school reading etc.

But I am more worried about my very high levels of resentment towards STBXH. I don't want to feel this way. But I am very jealous of the relationship he has with the children because he doesn't actually do any parenting or any of the hard bits. Even on his weekends, there's only one overnight. He won't have them any more than that.

I loathe the whole situation and fear I'll become so bitter it'll make me a terrible parent.

Can anyone relate to this? What should I do?

Worth my adding that counselling not an option. I don't have the money nor the time (I live rurally and the local towns do have a few counsellors but Mon to Friday only. I work every day and I can't exactly take the children with me for an after school appointment!)

The situation is unlikely to resolve for the simple reason it is beyond your control to resolve it. How he parents in his time is his choice as you know. It would be nice to have influence but it seems you don’t. That’s not your fault. Eventually his Disney ways will burn out or the kids will see through it. It’s pointless competing and it’s not what your children want or need. They will always ask for you when they need a parent who loves them.

As to counselling, you have options other than face to face. There are reading therapies or online / phone counselling sessions.

I think it's perfectly understandable that you feel resentment. The problem you have identified is that it is you that is being damaged by it.

I have made a very active decision to not give in to resentment and to instead focus on making my own life as positive as it can be.

I listen to the radio (Heart is always cheerful 😀) plan days out with DD and see my friends a lot. Whenever I feel a wave of resentment I change the channel in my mind and focus on something else.

Hope that helps a bit- I do know how hard it can be.

I can confirm that children remember the parent who bothered to do the boring every day things with them. The parent who really showed up vs the one who just passed through on their own schedule.

They start to work it all out as they enter their teens. Just keep ploughing away as you are, the kids aren't going to be waxing lyrically about Dad's boilerplate BK, toy and a film 10 x a year once they're 20.

Your resentment is natural, it's still early days.

The thing about resentment is that it severely damages the person who is resentful so it is pointless. It's wearing and bad for health.

We can't help how we feel but try to move on, enjoy life in different ways and look forward to a few things (if you don't have anything at the moment, you will, try to find something). When the burden has lifted you'll feel so much better.

PicsInRed
I can confirm that children remember the parent who bothered to do the boring every day things with them. The parent who really showed up vs the one who just passed through on their own schedule.
........
I agree with that 100%!

It's natural for kids to want to spend time with the 'absent' partner but they love you just the same, you're the dependable one. Please don't let the children see and feel your unhappiness as far as possible.

None of this is easy and you have my sympathy.

I have had this to an extent. I've found as the dcs get older they love being at home and having a calm, private space to themselves.

We're fortunate to be able to do holidays and trips but make them fun, relaxing ones. They seem to increasingly appreciate this. Life is busy enough without frenetic weekends on top.

I learned to park any resentment and now accept that xh likes to live at a pace which would have burned me out.

Mine is the striking opposite of this. I'm the non-resident parent and due to CM payments ive had to downsize to renting a room. This means I get no overnights and in all honesty, am barely seeing my children at the moment.
My ex is able to take the children on great days out, spending time with family etc and im barely keeping my head above water. Its quite depressing but the way im spinning it in my head is that at least my children are benefitting from it all. That's the main thing. I suppose in time I will get back on my feet and be able to do the nice things with the children, but in the meantime, it is a shite situation.

I'm sorry to hear that @MrBrightside1980. I do get that many many others are in a far more miserable situation than I am. That's why I feel I need to do something to shake the feelings. It doesn't benefit me or the children.

I need to self-motivate. I can see that. It's just hard! Really very comforting to hear that the children will most probably appreciate it all eventually (before they have children themselves?!? 😆). I've just had a weekend of dealing with poor behaviour, and the knowledge that STBXH would just reach for the phone to give it to them and all would be well just makes it worse!

Thanks all. I do appreciate the wise words.

I'm in a very similar situation to you and I feel exactly the same.

The feeling s eat me up sometimes and I try so so hard to think positive etc but I find it really hard. I do online counselling and it does help but I'm hoping as time goes on the feelings with change.

I recommend the online counselling. I use Instahelp.

Maybe he is trying to be fun as he is alone and he gets kids on weekends. It could be that he wants kids to love him. You can talk to him regarding this but make sure that lawyers are present.

Leave him to it. You can't control his behaviour and you shouldn't want to as long as he's leaving you well alone.

As PPs said your children will understand when they are teens that what their dad is doing isn't good parenting. Disney parents don't cope with the boring stuff including listening to their children.

Oh and it's likely by then that your ex will have a new partner who will think his behaviour towards his children is shit. If you haven't got into a dispute with him over this crap parenting then you may end up with an ally, who will make him parent better.

‘Hate is a heavy burden to bear’. Let it go, as it is clearly making you suffer. Be happy for your children and happy that your ex is contributing to their happiness. Children aren’t stupid and will place value on what’s important in the end. When your ex has the kids, go out and do something for you/ go on a date or meet with friends/ make new friends, just have a great time and fill yourself with positive feelings rather than negative ones.