Impossible situation

[Mamawoody48]

I’ve been married for 27 years and have 6 children, although only 2 still live at home. My husband has been on at me for a while to get a job, despite him knowing I have issues with anxiety and panic attacks, as he blames me for the financial difficulty we got into a few years back which resulted in him being declared bankrupt. I hasten to add it wasn’t all down to me! We simply didn’t have enough money to live on. Things came to a head the other day when I was supposed to start my first day at a new job. I’d worked myself up into such a state that I was having panic attacks and didn’t go. He was furious as you can imagine. He has since said that our marriage is over but that I can stay in the house but in separate beds and he will support me until our youngest daughter turns 16. There is no question of him leaving. He has also told me that he’s only put up with me this long because of the children. I’m devastated. The only alternative to this is if I move in with my elderly parents who live over 300 miles away. He will not let me take the children as he says I am unstable and that he’s not leaving his kids.

Have you seen anyone in regards to the anxiety and panic attacks?

I’ve been on medication on and off for a while, although I’ve been off it for the last few years. I had been pretty much ok until this job thing came up.

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you OP.

Something very similar happened to my own mother. As a result I teach my DC (girls) that they should never rely on a man.

I'm sorry but I think you need to take some responsibility for the situation.

There are techniques available to assist with panic attacks as well as jobs you can do from home ie taking in ironing that would help support your family. It is not the sole responsibility of your husband to financially provide.

Whilst the words re only putting up with you because of the kids are harsh, I cannot blame him for being angry.

I have GAD, I suffer panic attacks, but I work full time, I have had periods where I was too ill to go out to work but helped out and supported us in other ways, caring for my fil for example, tutoring, doing some basic book keeping from home.

You need to seek help and start finding coping mechanisms because when you too split you will be expected to work.

You need to see a doctor and get this sorted op. mental illness needs to be treated like a physical one. 💐

I never said that this situation wasn’t my fault! I just wanted advice on the best action to take. Good for you for coping so well, you sound like a saint!

Actually you do, you say it wasn't all your doing, you just didn't have enough to live on. You not contributing is you fault. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but you absolutely need to take some responsibility in this. Your husband has clearly been supportive in the past and has now lost patience.

You admit to being off Meds, when clearly you should be on them

And attacking me is just plain rude. You asked for feedback, well just because you don't like it doesn't give you the right to attack me.

I cope because I sought help. I also acknowledged that my mental illness was not going to cause my family hardship.

You need to deal with this head on, seek help, talk to your husband, agree an action plan. But YOU need to take responsibility for both your part in his bankruptcy but more importantly your mental health.

The lack of money wasn’t entirely my fault. I was working at the time and I had been working for years until I had my last daughter. I returned to work after I had her but was made redundant.

None of which you day in your op. You make out like you have never worked.

It doesn't change the fact you need to take ownership of your own issues and start seeking the right help to get you back on Meds and stable enough to get back into work.

If an out of the home job isn't going to work, then look at book keeping courses online and setting up on your own or through online agencies if they exist. Take in ironing, look at Avon and the like, yes you have to leave the house but dropping off a book and asking for it to be left outside the door on X day avoids people if you need to. Do you have any marketable skills? Are you good at sewing/dressmaking that you could use to your advantage. Cake making etc.

The bottom line is you need to address the mental illness, stay on meds/get counselling and coping mechanism. There is every chance his words have been said out of desperation and exasperation at the situation and your lack of control over you attacks. Yes I know controlling them is hard, takes effort, cannot always be done, but he is clearly at his wits end and perhaps seeing some positive steps from you towards getting healthy again will help him readdress the situation.

Hi OP. Ok first of all, anxiety is pretty real as you know and this isn't down to laziness here as you've managed to raise 6 kids which is way more work than a part time job. Your husband won't totally understand this though as he doesn't have anxiety and he won't totally get it. Unless you experience it, it is hard to understand.

I suffer too but I've always held down a job. However, when I had my only ever break from work for maternity leave, I got so anxious at the thought of going back that I became physically depressed and ill with anxiety. I did go back but life was tough. Everyday I would wake with anxiety, every day a sore stomach, sore head and the odd panic attack as well. I think with you, being out of the workplace for so long has probably made your anxiety worse and the thought of going into a workplace is just too much at the moment and you can't calm yourself down, leading to panic attacks.

You obviously want to turn this around and you haven't asked for this but anxiety comes with so many physical issues as well to the point sometimes you can become physically ill with anxiety.

Jumping right back in isn't going to work for you OP. You need to ease yourself back in slowly. Perhaps sign up for a work course a couple of hours a week first. Something quite early in the morning so you don't have too much time to overthink it all.

I highly recommend kalms lavender capsules. Take one a day and it really does take the edge off.

There is no talk of anyone leaving so shelf that for now and work on you. Work on building your confidence and calming the anxiety so that in the future you will be back in the workplace. That is the aim not the immediate goal. I feel this maybe an ultimatum from your husband to try and push you but little does he know, this will probably make your anxiety worse.

Find some groups and talk to people and get tips. Most of all, find a job that you will enjoy and one that is quite early in the day as to not over think.

I feel for you OP. I hope you can get things sorted and my advice will help you

You need to get help in dealing with the anxiety and then take steps to get. Job, it’s unfair that your family is struggling when you could get help and then improve your financial circumstances.

It’s unfair in your husband to have sole responsibility of the financial burden.

You must be able to see why it's got to this point though, right? You say you've been on and off medication for years and the last few years you've been off it... what else have you done to improve your situation?

You need to get involved in therapies. Although medication is there to help, it doesn't solve it or fix it. It purely cushions it.

A friend of mine did the same thing. Her anxiety got bad and she quit her job one day. She's since had a child and there seems to be no intention of her returning to work and living solely off of her partners income. They are now struggling financially.

I can see why you not going to your first day of work was the nail in the coffin for him.

I know that mental health issues are very real, but you have to want to actively help yourself.

I'll probably get flamed for this post but 🤷🏼‍♀️