Am I being unreasonable?

[janejfozzy]

Hi, I need some advice please.

I turned 35 on Friday and have been with my Husband for 19 years - married for 15.
We have 4 boys 16,14,9 & 8. Over the course of our relationship my husband has had 3 affairs, each time with my best friend at that time. One was only 11 days before my youngest son born.
Just recently I’ve been having the most horrendous dreams about when I discovered these affairs and the betrayal towards me from all that was involved. I spoke to a GP as I was seriously sleep deprived and am currently having counselling - which I think will help.
The problem is is that I’m insanely jealous and don’t trust anyone. I don’t know why because the majority of our local community think my husbands a complete twat, not only for the way he’s treated me but because of his behaviour generally. He’s also certainly not a 10/10 but then again neither am I after 4 kids.
The problem is is that he gives me no reassurance at all. Also he never speaks or touches nicely or tells me he loves me or thanks me for everything that I do. He doesn’t bother to say happy birthday let alone buy me a card. Whereas I do so much to make him feel good. I even arranged a break in Dublin in August so he could see the Foo Fighters which was always a dream of his. I always do everything to make him feel good, I wait on him hand foot and finger, always cook him what the wants to eat, offer to rub his feet - literally anything!
But I feel like I’m being treated like a mug and am seriously thinking of leaving him. Surely I deserve better?!?
There are also other complications regarding money, home etc but I thought this would be enough to start with!
Any advice? 🙏

The problem is that he slept with 3 of your best friends and doesnr give a shit about you in general.

If 3 of your best friends have slept with your husband, I would suggest that you dont really pick good people to have relationships with.

Just leave him. Get some therapy to improve your ability to pick decent friends and partners and start your life properly.

Him being nice and buying you gifts, really wouldn't paper over the huge canyon sized crack that is him having sex with your friends.

He cheats on you, is a lousy inconsiderate husband but you had four children with him. Why? Did you think they would help. They never do.

Can you leave him?

He will never be the supportive, honest, loving husband you would like.

He’s also teaching your boys to be just like him.

I forgave the first but I was already 8.5 months pregnant with my youngest when the second happened so I didn't keep having kids to make things better. All the kids were already here when affairs number 2 & 3 happened.
I can leave him but I will literally be walking away with nothing. We live on his family's farm where we are building a house and also where my boys love living so undoubtedly I'll be blamed for destroying the kids happiness by making them live some in a town where I can afford.

The problem is is that I’m insanely jealous and don’t trust anyone.

Given he shags anyone you get close to (and that's quite intentional psychological warfare btw), I'd say your mistrust is perfectly rational, sane and normal.

I would advise you secretly see a good solicitor in a next large town (to avoid word getting back to your husband) and investigate the ownership of that farm. Does your husband own a share of it? Are there savings, investments, pensions, valuable tools, owned vehicles and farm equiptment?

Why don’t you visit a solicitor just to see how the land lies?

Nobody but your husband ruined your children’s childhood. Nobody else. Only him.

He’s done a good job on you, hasn’t he?

@BobbyDazzler99 😢😭😢😭😢
You're so right! Thank you, you've made me think of it in that way. I'm going to speak to a solicitor and see how things stand. Unfortunately I pay our loan and our sons private school fees with my entire wages so I don't have any funds to pay rent etc. Where we live now is rent free (obviously) x

@madcatladyforever I forgave the first but I was already 8.5 months pregnant with my youngest when the second happened so I didn't keep having kids to make things better. All the kids were already here when affairs number 2 & 3 happened

It’s more than enough to leave he does not care as such.
Mine was like this not so much affairs but secret gambler at the yucky betting shop with all sorts of nasties.
No care for his family .
Any way after over 20 something years finally bit the bullet and I am in the process of a divorce.
Can’t believe the shit of accepting his disengagement from the family unit.
I am very resentful for the years I have put in 25 years is not a joke.
Get on with the right decision

The first thing you need to do op, is stop pandering to his every need immediately.

Hi Jane,

This is a dreadfully uneven relationship with you in the down position isn't it. That's got to have an impact on your mental health and wellbeing eventually. Well done for seeking the counselling. The jealousy is a perfectly normal reaction to the betrayals you have suffered. I hope he's not trying to put the blame on you for this. Also the dreams may be caused by the trauma he has put you through. I really feel for you but think you already know the answer to this. It's getting the courage and help to move on and that may give you a focus to get through this.

Have you looked at how much it would cost to rent somewhere for you to live? Worked out a budget to live on. Do you and your husband have any assets, savings, pensions etc? A solicitor will need to look at assets, income and debt to give you an idea of what would happen at court in a divorce. It's also a bonus that you work.

I hope you have some good friends and family to help you through this.

He's had three affairs with your best friends, treats you like a mug, everyone else thinks he's a twat, and you're only just thinking of leaving him? I'm not an unforgiving kind of person that would have chucked him out after the first affair, I believe anyone can make mistakes. However, I'd expect him to learn from it and to spend the rest of your marriage treating you like a queen!
I doubt you'll get a single response to this post that encourages you to stay!

He's had 3 affairs?

Why are you still with him!? Sheesh.

So many more decent people out there.

Dump him. Sort out visitation.

And Get some new friends.

He clearly doesn't care for you at all. Neither do your friends.

Your worth a lot more. Don't let your insecurities put you down.

Many more people out there will treat you better

Thank you all for your support in this. I finally left him last week after realising he's a complete narcissist who had emotionally and psychologically abused me for years. Currently the children and I are sleeping in my sisters floor but I certainly don't regret leaving and have started looking for a solicitor. Wish me luck!

Well done OP!