How often...

[RoseMartha]

Do you message your ex about the kids?

My stbex is telling me I need to message twice a day.

They can call him or text him if they choose to. He can also call them.

I currently tell him all official information from school and copy him into emails (he does get emailed from school with general letters home), I tell him about all medical appointments and illnesses and copy and send him relevant paperwork , and inform him or discuss with him other important things than happen in normal life and ask him weekly when he wants contact. He is telling me this is not enough. Refusing to tell me if seeing them next week on normal day after school told me I will have to wait for him to text me about it.

Please tell me what is normal?
Am I not doing enough?

He made me feel like crap today. Which is not unusual and when we were together guilt tripped and manipulated and stonewalled me often.

I’d say that’s too much, copied in on all official docs is enough? if the children are old enough to contact him and him them I don’t see why’d you’d have to speak? Maybe go to court for contact so it’s consistent, if he’s still trying to manipulate and control you

This sounds like an attempt to continue to control you. Don't do it.

Still having issues with this.
How much information is normal to share?

After being controlled for so long during our marriage it is hard for me to break free from the still constant abuse from him.

Any tips would be great.

Share all relevant info but unimportant things can wait until he sees them.

I think it is a compromise between allowing for good co-parenting and remembering you are no longer in a relationship. I cannot think of any reason why twice a day would be necessary unless a child was ill or injured or in a big competition or something.

Once every 2-3 days would be more normal to me.

Start texting him post poo, post mealtimes, post sneeze.
He is being a twat and you know that.
A judge would tell you /him you have right of enjoyment of your dc. He is impeding on that.

Me and exh text once a week. Unless something comes up in the meantime.

You don't need to tell him about school stuff he needs to liaise with school.

Non routine health appts fair enough.

Tell him it's fixed contact only...

Look up grey rock - you need to ignore him!

How old are the children? I used to msg ex more often when they were smaller & couldn't tell him stuff themselves.
V rare these days unless kids ask me to or something about school holiday dates.
He's on school email & dojo system. I will tell him about parents evening and message anything j don't want to tell him in front of kids.
The difference is I'm choosing when to msg, not being told!

Ok thank you.

My dc are at secondary school so not littlies.

I think it is him trying last vestige of control. He was threatening all sorts today. 🙄 blaming me for things that he recently chosen to do. And expecting me to apologise to him, for him choosing to do those things and getting more irate when i would not.

Still getting snarky messages now.

Grey rock!!!!

Actually forget grey rock, block him!

You don’t need to do this OP. My response is that DC is old enough to make her own arrangements, she has a phone she can call, msg and FaceTime on.

You need to break free. XH was controlling (or wanted to be), his standard words to me now are “phone and text is the preferred method of contact”, my response ... they might be your preferred method of contact, mine is no contact unless absolutely strictly necessary.

I have blocked him, he cannot phone or text me, his emails go straight to junk mail which means I don’t get a notification and can choose to check there when it suits me.

I wish he wasn’t difficult but he was difficult in marriage and so isn’t going to be easy in divorce.

My ex is similar but has improved slightly once I stood up to him. I forward emails from school but told him I cannot run all appointments etc last him as I’m too busy. I was also bombarded by passive aggressive messages, accused of dumping my kids, going off to the pub etc etc.
however, it is perfectly acceptable for him to not answer my polite texts or swap a weekend.
I now only have minimal contact, younger kids can call him if they want and teen has his own phone. Now financials are almost sorted I’m sure he will start trying to regain control- he’s kicked off recently about who I’m going on holiday with,he fails to see it is none of his business anymore .

Just posted a thread about persistent contact and then found this so I’m hopping on board for advice.

Does anyone have experience with threats to go to court for more access for no reason other than it suits him?!

Also we have finances sorted but he’s trying to see kids more and asked me for a credit note after having them more time one month. I shit you not.

Anything to feel important and have control and it’s doing my head in after so many years.

What are your rights for peace and quiet? Is there such a thing as a non molestation order that applies to twattish emails?!

I have secondary school aged kids and it’s up to them to contact their father. I sometimes message him if one of them are ill and they haven’t told him but apart from that I rarely message him. Anything bigger about our finances I write in an email. If I message him once a week I think it’s a lot so your ex is being controlling. He has no right to so just dont

I try not to get sucked in to constant messaging.

ExH talks to the dc daily, and if there is an urgent message I might have a quick chat once thy say are done, but I try to keep it to times when I am dropping off the dc for contact.

School stuff it is up to him to keep on top of, unless it’s something I know he won’t have seen - a message on a notice board at school, or a note home in homework planner which needs to be actioned before he will see it.

Dc 1 and 2 are old enough to be able to contact him whenever they want to (via text or email) and tend to tell him anything important they want him to know (mostly to stop him being able to say ‘mum didn’t tell me’, even though they know this isn’t true).

Keep it to the essentials. I wouldn’t (and don’t) update on regular health stuff unless I happen to be chatting anyway - stuff like routine dentist, or standard routine health checks.

Leave the school communication to the school. Send the school an email saying no longer together, please send info to both parents and leave it there. They should then send reports directly to both of you. If they don't tell him to communicate directly with the school.
Advise him that both kids have phones and check he has their numbers. Tell him to use them to discuss visits etc.
Then there should be very little reason to contact him. DD is 14. I maybe text or email every couple of weeks to a month but it's usually a text to a few people saying I am at work on this evening/ weekend and DD wants to go to that place. I can't do it can you? Or could only get dentist appointment when you have her can you do it? That sort of thing...