Should we tell our children who the affair partner is?

[Lollipo]

My partner and father to our two children (7 and 10) left me for a woman he had been having an affair with. 6 months on and she has moved in with him and so the children will be there with both of them 5 nights in a fortnight. The children know her as dad’s friend and know that they share a bed. He has not introduced her as his girlfriend assuming that they will have worked it out. I do not believe the speed with which this has happened is in the best interests of the children but at the end of the day I cannot stop him. My sole focus is on the well-being of the children in all of this and so I will do what I can to support them in their relationship with their dad and with his girlfriend. To this end for their sakes if they take to the girlfriendI then I hope things work out with their dad and his girlfriend because I do not want any more trauma for them.

My dilemma is two-fold.

Firstly should I make sure that they understand that dad’s friend is his girlfriend? I think I should because he wants to take her along to school events etc and so their friends will naturally ask who she is and might say is that your dad’s girlfriend - I do not want them to be the only ones that don’t know that she is his girlfriend. In addition I do not think it is right that they are given the impression that men have friends with whom they share a bed.

Secondly should they know who she is in an age appropriate way? My concern here is that they will form a bond with his girlfriend and assuming the relationship lasts at some point they will be told or find out who she is in so much that she and their dad were having an affair whilst he was still with us. Finding this out years later will then cause the children more upset and may cause them to re-evaluate the bond they have formed with her and be angry with their parents for not telling them about it at the time. I want to be open with the children and not live with a secret that could come out at any moment (other people know about the affair). If they were told I am thinking that they are too young to really appreciate the awfulness of it and so I would not expect it to put them off the girlfriend but just to put it out there so as they get older and a bit wiser they are aware of it and can ask about it if they get curious rather than have it hidden away and then coming out as a major revelation.

I would appreciate your thoughts or experience on this. Would also be interesting to have the thoughts of someone who has had to deal with living with an affair partner as a child and what they were told or how they found out.

I do not want to tell the children out of spite I just want to get everything out in the open now so they can process it over time and not have them deal with another trauma later on.

In my opinion no the children do not need to know. They will not be angry in years to come because you didn't tell a 7 and 10 year old this is the women your dad had an affair with

I knew the women my dad was with was the women he left my mother for. I worked that out and I was 5. I hold her no resentment.

The same for my children. When ex left. We said daddy wasn't happy anymore and loves them. But is going to live somewhere else. (This somewhere else was with ow/gf.)

She was on the scene instantly. In the words of my son. Mum I'm not stupid. I know what's going on.

I just repeated the same thing I didn't make daddy happy. I hope 'x' does and that will make him a better daddy.

Despite your protestations you sound like you are doing it out of spite and to cause trouble. It isn't an issue or relevant to the dynamic of their relationship.

Just let them work it out in their own time, don't push information on them just answer questions as they ask. They will work it out.

I don't think you sound like you are doing this out of spite.

I think you sound very sensible and mindful of your children's feelings.

I 100% think you need to have a conversation that gives them clarity about what is happening, who this person is, in age-appropriate way, and importantly, how it affects them.

I know most on MN don't agree with this but I also think the children spending a lot of time with their dad's new partner, and expected to accept her having a parenting role in their lives.

I'd be making an arrangement, either via mediation or informally, if your relationship with exH permits, that she can be part of their lives informally, but doesn't have a parenting role.

Children really really struggle with that change to the primary dynamic of mum-dad-kids (if that's what they grew up with); they can adjust, but should 100% be put first in new adult relationships.

Wishing you luck @Lollipo it's not easy. 💐

Your overthinking it. I would be leaving it to their father to explain who this person is. I appreciate it's a conflicting place to be when you will no doubt harbour ill feeling to this women but equally want your children to have a positive experience of her. However, it isn't appropriate to share that information with a 7 year old. Once the older child reaches secondary age I'm sure they'll work out she's dad's gf but detailing an affair to DC will only distance them from dad and gf.

As others have said - I very much think this doesn’t need a formal conversation and that kids aren’t stupid. They absolutely do NOT need to know she’s the affair partner. Please don’t tell them that, children will work it out in their own time but keeping your dignified silence on this and not involving them in adult matters is the best way to protect your children.

I agree with blackcat. Let your ex deal with it.

Oh OP how awful for you all. I understand your concerns but I would leave it. They’re children, they don’t need to know the finer details of anyone’s sex life, let alone their parents.

You are overthinking. If that’s how he wants to introduce her that’s his thing. Have the conversation with him. Don’t tell the kids she’s the OW. It’ll mean nothing or they’ll work it out fot themselves. If they ask remember the reassurance they are probably most looking for is

1. that you and their dad still love them and the kids weren’t the cause
2. that while you are sad about it everyone still likes each other
3. you hope the girlfriend and their dad will be happy.

I went down the same route as @eve34 Mummy and Daddy are not making each other happy.
OW was then on the scene immediately. DD does have a terrible relationship with ExH, but that is his making.
She and I have an excellent relationship it is now 9 years since he left and she is at peak judgemental teenage (15), but she has never been upset or cross with me that I didn't tell her.
Be the better person and refer to her as Daddy's friend.

Telling them about the affair and who it was with would be for your benefit not theirs.

Children should be protected from adult disagreements, relationship breakdowns etc. They will likely figure it out when older or they may not. They don’t need to know the details. The focus now is a good relationship with both parents.

I’m going to disagree with the majority. I told my 7 and 4 year old that Daddy had a girlfriend and when you are married you are not allowed to have a another girlfriend or boyfriend. I don’t want my children growing up and thinking it is ok to either do this to their partner or accept it from their partner.

I don’t know why we tell children nothing in the hope of protecting them. They are smart enough to figure it out so why should I continue with the deception? In my case, they were dealing with the fallout of their Father being there every day one minute to suddenly only seeing them once a week. Not to mention, witnessing the strain on me caused by his months of emotional abuse during our marriage breakdown. Again, I explained that sometimes grown ups feel sad when daddy’s have other girlfriends and when grown ups decide not to be married anymore. I was honest in the most age appropriate way I could be but as the one person they felt able to rely on, I felt they deserved that honesty.

I wish as a society there was a bigger conversation about how destructive affairs are and how they are not ok. My children and I will be happy again but the pain caused to us by my STBXH is now something we will have to carry for the rest or our lives. You can end a marriage with kindness, dignity and respect but my ex chose gaslighting, blame shifting and an utter disregard for my emotional wellbeing as the mother of his children.

You say you're doing this in the interests of your kids. You're not. You're doing it out of spite.

The only way the kids will find out they had an affair in later years is if you tell them. I doubt they will.

The kids don't need to know any of it. None of that is in their best interests.

Neither was cheating, nor is forcing them to spend time with the OW.

Thanks everyone for your responses and I respect all points of view and can appreciate them all and therein lies the dilemma. For those who said I over-think things they are spot on - I do!

If I could guarantee that the children would never find out about or work it out for themselves then I would not tell them. But he has not been discreet and lives a mile from us so other people know about it and it was only 3 months after leaving us that the children were aware of her and they know that she was not local and has moved 200 miles to move in with him. Although they might not be able to work it out for themselves now I can imagine at some point they will. One of my concerns is that if they find out that they keep it to themselves for whatever reason and have issues with it. I would like to be able to talk to them about it so that they know that I am okay with it, they understand that the right thing to do if you are unhappy in a relationship and cannot work things out is to leave first and then look for someone else and to understand that we all make mistakes but we must forgive and move on.

For those who said I am just doing it for myself. Well there is an element of truth there because for me this is the last loose end of the relationship and also it weighs heavily on me that I am not able to open and honest with my children. So I would be relieved to unburden myself of this but would not do so to the detriment of the children.

Anyway for now I am going to leave it and just see how things pan out. The best I can hope for is that the children will work it out for themselves and that they talk to us about it so that we can have an open conversation.

I think HRMumness was spot on when she said “I wish as a society there was a bigger conversation about how destructive affairs are and how they are not ok” There have been lots of things that people were secretive about in the past and which we now realise that this was not the right approach and I think affairs will become one of those. For those that are interested here is an article on this

www.nytimes.com/1989/03/09/us/health-psychology-experts-find-extramarital-affairs-have-profound-impact.html

And it concludes “”The children who have grown up the strongest are those who had the chance to ''deal with parental infidelity openly, as an error or a character flaw, rather than normal activity or an appropriate solution to a marital problem,'' Dr. Pittman said.

Here is another article which is pretty negative but what I found more interesting were the posts at the end (there were lots) especially the ones from children whose parents had affairs

aboutaffairs.com/2018/09/how-do-affairs-effect-children-part-i/

You can't guarantee anything, you can't even prevent your children from growing up and cheating on their dp's.

At best you can listen to people who have been the children in these situations.

As for googling professors and their opinions stay clear unless your willing to look at the opposite side to. You can find a argument to back up anything on the internet.

You dc will not understand properly until they are at least 22 when they have had some life experience until then their hurt and understanding will only be a reflection of yours.

Really advise you don't tell the children how they got together. That relationship might not last but them remembering you telling them will, and it won't look good from their adult perspective when they've grown up and inevitably look back.

What do you expect them to say as a grown up "thanks for telling me dad had an affair just as I was already struggling to adapt to the situation".

You run the risk of them not trusting you as your anger (justified) was put before their interests.

Thinking about friends who parents relationships broke up due to an affair. It tends to be the ones whose parents said ‘yo7 know wha5 not all relationships work out, mum/dad found someone else’ who have worked out being less generally messed up than where a big thing was made about the affair and how bad it is to have affairs.

I don’t think thae op is intending to make things awkward but I sure as hell know people who have made it really difficult for the kids.

I don’t think you should lie to your children about something as important to them as why your relationship ended personally. Unless you’re a great actor you’re not going to be able to match how you are about it to what you say, and they will notice the dissonance. I think they will know you’re concealing something, but might not guess what it is. And I think that is damaging. You also need to look after yourself to look after them, so if not telling them is going to eat you up - and it’s really going to be tough if they come back giving you a ringside commentary on how great each and ow are - that’s a consideration as well. They will see you are upset and not talking about it, which they will then learn is the thing to do. I’d be surprised if it makes much difference to what they think of OW. I told mine and I’m glad I did. One of the gains was that they knew I was upset about it - I didn’t expect this but it’s made them a lot more open about talking about things that are upsetting them.

I think children do not need to be told the details of adult relationships at all. It's not their business tbh and they need to be protected. If they ask questions when they older then they may have things discussed with them but ultimately they don't have the right to know. And the other parent certainly shouldn't tell them as it's nothing to do with them.

I got with DP very quickly after my marriage ended. Ex knew after a while and hinted about telling DCs. I made it clear that I would tell them when I was ready as it wasn't his place at all.