Shared custody: child expenses and child maintenance

[cedricm]

Hi all,

Dad here. I appreciate this is a forum for mums but I thought I could seek some good advice, as I want something fair for everyone. We separated 2 months ago with my ex-partner of 9 years and she will move out in a month or so. We have a 6yo daughter, we will share care 50/50 (daughter stays every other week with one parent), we were under a french civil partnership, and we rent our flat.

We're trying to figure out how we are going to split the expenses for our daughter, and how I will support the mother with child maintenance. I earn 80k, she earns 26k. She will struggle to find a flat with a room in our area (London zone 2/3), but I agreed to be her guarantor to help with the process. Yet she will then struggle to pay rent, bills, personal expense, and child expense on top of that. She's in the process to find a new job though, so we agreed we would share the child expense when it happens, and I would pay all or almost child expenses before that.

How should we split the child expense then? 50/50? Or depending on our salaries? What should we consider a child expense to share vs an expense the one engaging should cover alone?

How can we set the amount of child maintenance? If I follow the child maintenance calculator from gov.uk, the amount does not seem fair to her and won't be of any help, especially when we will split expenses. Also, should we adjust the child maintenance to our salaries?

I've already read tons of articles and all official websites about the topic. I know my questions are quite broad, I'm really looking for some real life examples here.

Thank you!

This is refreshing. I’d say as you both have food/bills/clothes expenses on each of your weeks split extraordinary expenses such as your childcare (you already recognise), school uniforms, school trips, child activities etc based on your income. So 2/3rds you and 1/3rd her.

@HerRoyalNotness Thank you. I recognise it's a good solution, although it requires to always update each other on our incomes. Also what happens to bonuses?

And what about child maintenance?

If it’s 50/50 residency no child maintenance is payable

If it’s 50/50 residency no child maintenance is payable

except that isn't the question being asked.

this parent is asking how he can support his daughter living with her other parent 50/50 when there is such a discepancy in income and her mother can't afford to live where they live now. It is in no one's interests to have the mother move somewhere cheaper which will mean 50/50 can't happen becauseof schools etc. So the daughter loses out. And each parent loses out because life is much harder.

I know, but considering our respective incomes and the area where we live, we can't follow the law here, I believe. I'm looking for a fair way to calculate that.

@pallisers Exactly that

I am just going through divorce with 2 children and a 50:50 childcare arrangement. My ex is a much higher earner than me but I earn an ok wage, more than your ex so maybe not in as much need for support. He pays me no maintenance (child or spouse) but I took a bigger share of marital assets to enable me to set myself up in a home. We have agreed an amount that will go into a shared account, that we both will draw on, for children's costs - he is paying 65% and I am paying 35%.
We are mostly amicable and made most of these arrangements/ agreements in mediation, which I would really recommend as a process for helping you to work through what's desirable and fair.

@ChangingStates Thank you for your comment. We don't have any assets to share, so not really concerned here.

I want to take into account that without my support, she won't be able to sustain her basic needs, without even thinking about my daughter's needs. Hence looking for a solution for child maintenance.

Surely you can think Of something yourself then. Maybe pay 2/3rds of her rent and bills if you’re inclined, according to your income discrepancy.

What PPs have said, potentially a pro-rated split of costs, although I assume that you have looked into the entitlements she can get (e.g. CHB, contributions towards childcare costs, other top ups, check at entitledto to get an idea). You may find that this will help her (and your overall) position.

With there being no child maintenance legally due, you have total discretion between you as to how you want to manage this.

I also have 50/50, so no maintenance legally due. I earn 80k, while my ex earns about 20k. She took a far higher slug of capital from the marriage, so that she had the option of living mortgage-free. I appreciate that isn't an option for you.

For ongoing expenses, I pick up the big stuff. School uniforms for both houses, school trips, the costs of their expensive hobbies (riding for one, and indoor skydiving for the other) etc. I also pay her a relatively modest sum each month towards day to day costs. Our split is not amicable, so I wouldn't want to get into regular ongoing negotiations about who covers what - this arrangement means that our finances are entirely separate, and we don't have to have lots of contact over money. It's probably not fair - I'm picking up almost all of the kids' costs, but at least I know they have what they need. Doesn't stop her always moaning to the kids that she should have more money, of course!

So anyway, you can structure this however the teo of you think best. My advice is to avoid joint accounts etc (because, for credit purposes, that will always leave you financially linked) - but, othersise be as creative as you like to come up with an arrangement that works for the kids.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad Thank you for your comment. Our situations look really similar. What is a modest sum towards day to day costs? I tried to categorise these costs, and I managed to include clothing, food, activities, and travel. Can't find out how much I can contribute though.
And how do you split other expenses, like after school care, school food, holiday play groups?
Thanks again.

It's just a couple of hundred a month for day to day expenses. School meals - theoretically, we each cover them on our own days, but in practice their mum rarely gives them any money so they generally come to me. Pocket money always comes from me - their Mum doesn't give them any. My girls are older (14 and 12), so we don't need childcare arrangements.

For activities / days out, we each cover the costs of our own days. Again, in practice she and her husband don't really do anything with them (they're usually left to sit on their phones over there), whereas I am often out adventuring with the girls. We do all sorts of days out, but I see that as a question of personal preference, so I don't think it would be reasonable for either of us to expect the other to contribute to those costs.

Similarly with holidays - their mum usually takes them somewhere in the UK for a week once a year, whereas I take them for regular weekends away plus a couple of bigger foreign holidays. Again, that's personal preference so I will give the kids some spending money when they go away with their Mum (and she does the same for their main holiday with me), but not reasonable to expect the other to contribute towards holiday costs for a holiday they're not part of.

On clothing, the girls have everything they need at both houses, and we are each responsible for that. Again, in practice, their mum tends to buy cheaper stuff, that they don't necessarily like - so, if they want more expensive things (and they're teenage girls, so they do!) they usually come to me. I'm relaxed about them taking clothing or other things to their mum's house (she's less so, but I figure it's their stuff), so it works for them to always have access to what they want.

Definitely worth remembering that both parents have a financial responsibility and are expected to contribute to the costs of the children. But it's also worth picking your battles - the girls' mum and her husband have a pretty cushy number here, where she really doesn't pay for much at all. Unfortunately, the girls do pick up on that - they've commented on many occasions about their mum not doing much with them, but then going away or doing more activities with her husband when the girls are with me; or about her refusing to buy them something because she can't afford it ("so talk to your dad"), and then immediately buying herself another pair of shoes. So, as they grow up, they become increasingly aware of the whole delicate subject, and they do reach their own conclusions. But it has always been important to me that they never feel they can't do something or ask for something because of the particular dynamics of having divorced parents - so I've adopted an approach whereby they know they can always ask me, and I will always accommodate whatever I can. That does give their mum opportunities to take the piss, and she does....but the kids win regardless, and that's what really matters.

Thank you, really appreciated.

Another question, to shake my brains a little bit.

I calculated how much the mother would get in terms of benefits considering her potential rent and her salary. It appears it is a sum that would be double what we are talking about in terms of child maintenance.

Should I then still pay the CM, even if the child costs are more than covered and the child lifestyle with her mother guaranteed by the benefits? Or reduce substantially the CM? What makes more sense here?

Well fair play to you for being so considerate. My vile ex was awarded 50:50 of our two boys six years ago in court and therefore pays me nothing. I earn around £1000 net a month working ft, ex earns £105k pa!! I'm stilling renting while he remains in the marital home with his unemployed gf. I did get a divorce settlement but not enough for a mortgage.

As I now live with fiancé I get no other income whatsoever the way of tax credits etc. Ex also gets CB for one son!! Fiancé earns around £1400 net per month, also working ft.

Financially things are so tough!

So I absolutely take my hat off to you for being a decent parent 😊

PS. Privately renting btw.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad you mentioned not to have a joint account. We are trying to amicably separate and I thought a joint account would be best way to administer the specific joint child finances. What are the issues with that in terms of credit?

If you want to do your best by her and your child, it might be a totally far out idea but instead of renting and throwing money down the drain, by somewhere for them to live. I know London is very expensive but on a salary of £80k, you'd be paying something like £1,066 a month in child maintenance if you paid the full amount. Since you're going to be 50/50, why not buy somewhere and she and the child can live there then once your child is out of full time education, you can sell that place and have made a very good investment and perhaps give your ex partner a small share to rehouse herself. Ask that she maintains it, decorates etc but she would be living rent free and able to use her full salary for other expenses for herself and your child. On her salary, benefits would be very minimal. These things can be drawn up easily and banks are now starting to offer 100% mortgages again. I know you'd also have to pay to rent somewhere in the meantime but it would be worth it to have a retirement fund of the investment in the house/flat at the end of it and also a legacy for your child

@mamamiaow - the issue relates to credit reference agencies. Anybody you share an account with will be regarded as a linked person for credit records purposes - so, if their financial behaviour leads to them having a poor credit record, that may impact your own credit score. Hope that helps.

@AMAM8916 I won't pay what you say as as we are 50/50, it will be more around £600 with child expenses and child maintenance. I will have my day to day child expenses on my side on top of that.

It definitely sounds like a really nice and generous option, but it requires funds I don't have. The 100% mortgages require a friend or relative that can lend 10% of the property purchase price as a security. Definitely something we don't have.

Also somewhere is not an option. We don't want to add the stress of a new school and new mates to our daughter on top of new homes and splitting parents.

But thanks again, it was a really original idea that I would have explored otherwise.

Yeah you won't be required to pay anything near the £1,066 if you share custody. I thought it might be ideal to solve the issue now but also an investment for you and your child for the future but like you say, these 100% mortgages aren't 100% like they claim and London is very expensive, they would have to move.

I have noticed the earning limits for benefits are higher in London compared to everywhere else so your ex partner would probably get help there too.

It's great that you don't want her to struggle, well done for being a good father!

If it’s 50/50 residency no child maintenance is payable Not true. My XH and I share residency 50/50 we followed the CMS calculation and I receive significant child maintenance. I work full time but earn about £10k less per year than he does.

@Mystraightenersarebroken It is true. If you strictly share 50/50, there is no child maintenance due. The calculator does not take this case into account.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/children-and-young-people/child-maintenance/child-maintenance-2012-scheme/child-maintenance-calculation/the-2012-child-maintenance-scheme-calculating-payments-shared-care/

In our case my h is giving me spousal maintenance, this is separate to child maintenance and is reflective of his high salary (similar to OP) and my minuscule one. It's a private arrangement we aren't sure if we are going to bother to go to court at all, it's only paperwork, unless one of us desires to remarry. I suggest that a set amount per month for 3-5 years initially then reviewed is a good starting point.