Scared I can’t do this

[Onabusgoingnowhere]

This weekend is the one we tell the kids. They’re 16 & 19 so not little but I know it will still be so distressing for them. They’re as sick of the atmosphere & rows as I am & his long term temper & tantrums but he’s still their dad. I think I’m more churned up about telling them than the separation for myself!

As a result I can feel myself slipping back into the denial/complacency mindset - thinking I’m wrecking everything, maybe it’s not that bad, I can’t do this to them etc etc. Weight has dropped off me this week & I’ve barely slept.

Is it normal to feel like this when you’re at this stage of ending what I believe is an abusive relationship? (there I go questioning myself again). I’m worried I’ll slip backwards again at last minute. I hate myself for feeling so weak & I do have moments of feeling I can do this but it’s the kids that are at the heart of these feelings. We’ll have to sell the house & they will be devastated. Just need a virtual slap I guess (in a nice way!)

Mine were about that age when I did it. My ex was really nasty - we sat down for the "family meeting" and he then said " Your mother has something to tell you ....well go on Shipping, tell them " . Leaving me sitting there and having to say it to them.

I know how you feel - somehow wishing you could wind the clock back and stop it all from happening, go back to "just us four", play happy families again and maybe things will be OK. I know the feeling that you're going to ruin their lives, that they'll be shattered .

I'm not saying that your feelings are wrong - there are no guarantees about how your kids will react. But I will say that once the weekend is over and everything has been said, you'll be able to move forward. And maybe, just maybe, it won't be as bad as you think. I know that while one of mine was shattered , inconsolable etc, the other one took it very philosophically and accepted that things must have been really bad for this to happen.

I'm 15 years down the path now, and it all worked out fine. Even my eldest, who was the more upset of the two, now says it was all for the best and that she doesn't know how I stood it for so long.

Best wishes and a virtual hug to you, OP. Once it's done you can start to move forwards.

You can do it- it gets easier!

If they are sick of the rows and atmosphere then after the intial shock they will be fine. Mine were only 7 and 11 but actually there were pretty fine too - the atmosphere in the house was much happier and calmer.

Thanks all. I really hope that will be the case for me after the initial shock. They’ve regularly said to me how rows weren’t my fault, they tiptoe round him etc but Um under no illusions it will still be a shock. I think what pushed me to bite the bullet was the mixed messages I must be giving them. Saying it’s unacceptable to treat someone like that but not doing anything about it long term. That’s probably more damaging long term.

It’s reassuring to know you’ve all been there & I truly hope the tension will lift once it’s out in the open.

Just be honest and they will be fine. My stbxh told the teenage kids I was moving out as I was too mentally unstable to live with them and would be back when I was well. That kindof didn't help...

@ShippingNews - we told the kids today & I thought of you. Having played mind games with me for the past year, threatening to leave, I don’t think H thought I would go through with it. He started back pedalling about waiting to tell them when more was in place re the house etc but I felt they needed some honesty & time to absorb things before their day to day was changed.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. H sat there saying bugger all. He chipped in at the end with a comment about open communication that sounded like he was in a business meeting.

Eldest was very upset & asked questions; youngest was philosophical & more worried about us being happy. H was annoyed at me after & said he didn’t expect me to actually mention divorce or separation to them!! The whole point was that they need honesty - fannying around with vagueness would make them more confused.

I feel sick that there’s no way back now, but a bit relieved at the same time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m terrified for the future but I know I’ve made the right decision. He’s hurt me too many times now.

I hope that after this weekend we can all move forward supporting eachother.