post-separation Christmas - what to do?

[Spritesobright]

I need some help trying to decide what to do for Christmas this year.

My ex and I split last year and the first Christmas I hosted at mine and he and his mum, brother and brother's girlfriend came over. This was entirely for the sake of our DC, who are 5 and 8.

But this year I can't do it. It was so awkward and tense and his mum refuses to acknowledge me despite the fact that she and I were really close.
Plus now I have a new partner who also has two kids. It's likely they will spend it with their Mum but they were with her last year as well.

I just don't know how to organise it. DP has a lovely family (I have no extended family). Potentially I could spend Christmas with DP's family but if his kids are also there I'll feel so sad that mine aren't. I used to love Christmas but it's the joy of my children that makes it special.

I feel stressed about this already and it's only September. Any suggestions? Words of wisdom?

It is good that you are giving this some thought now. If a court order was in place they would be alternating christmases between mum/dad. Be that a few days or just the Christmas Eve/day bit. Coming back to other parent at tea time or Boxing Day.

As my ex is local I offered him half the day Christmas Day to collect at 2pm to have the children as long as he wishes. He declined and had them Boxing Day.

I am inclined to offer the same this year as he has hardly been parent of the year this year. I feel aggrieved that Christmas morning the children should be with me. But I'm not gonna fight him over it if he gets difficult. As much as I wouldn't want to have Christmas morning without the children. It is about them and what is right. And if he can reciprocate the arrangement last year. I'm happy to do Christmas part two after 2pm.

Thanks for replying eve34, and lovely as ever to hear your words of wisdom. Splitting the day doesn't sound too bad. Although I doubt my DC would want two giant meals. And frankly my ex is a better cook than I am...
You're right that it's important to think about it from the kids' perspective. It feels sad that I don't have an extended family to offer them so probably they would be happier at their Dad's.

Maybe I will suck it up and go over there just for lunch on the day. But then what to do about my new DP? (who happens to be a vegan).

I think it helps just acknowledging that the situation is a bit shit and you just have to make the most of it. Sigh.

Why not have a second “Christmas Day” on Boxing Day/another day to suit you and dp? Then you can do all the presents, meal, games etc without rushing with your kids, they don’t feel like they’ve splitting Christmas and keeping everyone happy and you all get to enjoy it without watching the clock?
You could always call in to see them mid morning to see what they have had at their dads, have a quiet day you & dp if he doesn’t have his kids and do the full “day” another day?

( to add background, for years my husband used to have his daughter half the day-swapping at 11.30am. It used to make the day so stressful. And just a rush watching the clock, trying to cram in seeing everyone etc. Especially the years he had the morning. He has since swapped to changing over at teatime/Boxing Day now she doesn’t stay over with us (her choice) and it’s a lot more enjoyable. I hated the 11.30am and now we have other little ones to work around too it just doesn’t work.

My ex and I have a 50/50 arrangement throughout the year. We split Christmas - the kids are with one of us Xmas Eve through to lunchtime on Xmas day, and then the other through Boxing day. we revert to whoever's day it normally is on the 27th. Alternate each year who has the Xmas Eve or Boxing Day.

As for your partner, it all depends on how involved he is with you & your kids. No way would someone I'd known for less than a year be intruding upon my kids' Christmas, but others will have different views.

We live quite near the SC's Mum, so it was easy to go between the houses.
In the end we settled on the same arrangement every year. Kids would be at Mums for Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day. Came to ours about 5 or 6pm. We'd have some food, open presents and play games and then have another nice meal Boxing Day in the evening. DH doesn't like big meals during the day.
Kids are now in their 20's and we still do this

Thanks for the suggestions. It sounds like splitting Christmases is the way to go and maybe my ex will have them for Christmas this year (since I had them last year) and I will do it next year.

SlightlymisplacedSingleDad that's an interesting perspective on a new partner "intruding" on Christmas. I was more thinking that I could spend it with him if my kids aren't with me. He's met my DC a few times and so far they love having him around and ask to see him, but having him for Christmas with my kids might feel weird just the four of us.

I think I feel guilty that I can't offer my children the 'family' Christmas that their Dad can, because he has family nearby. If there's just the three of us it would feel crazy to roast a big turkey (I don't even really eat meat anymore since the split). I always think Christmas is best with loads of people - family, friends, strays... Otherwise it gets a bit boring.

Anyways, things to think about. There are some other nice things I can do with my DC.

I think it's a bit harsh to say a new partner is intruding if they've met and got on ok.
The hype around Christmas can make it harder for split/blended families and create unrealistic expectations. Keep it in perspective and it's easier all round.
We don't have big family Christmases for one reason or another and I really love spending a few chilled hours with my little family.

Thanks Beamur I ended up settling on your suggestion, actually. I'll take the boxing day half of the split and spend Christmas with my partner.

Then we can all (me, kids, partner) do something on boxing day that feels less pressurised. Not a second Christmas really. Just a nice meal, rest of the pressies, games and park.

And Christmas day we can just est chocolates a drink fizz all day instead of stressing over a massive dinner.

My thoughts are that if you don’t have the children on a Christmas Day, you shouldn’t do Christmas like you would if they were there. It would be too sad. So - take the opportunity to - I don’t know, go to Midnighrg Mass, lie in and then book a swanky lunch somewhere. Or watch back to back movies with you’re favourite food and some cocktails. Or...
Hope it works out for you.

I think the simplest, most logical thing to do is to alternate Christmas', especially if you enter into new relationships with people who also have children.

That way, you could either organise it so you have your kids the same year your partner has his, so you have all the kids together one Christmas and then none of them the next year, or you could stagger it so you just have your kids one year and then his the next year. Whichever suits you better.

Personally I really don't understand why people would put themselves through an awful day with their ex and ex in laws like you did last year - you and your ex won't be together for the rest of the year so why should you be on Christmas? Your kids need to and will get used to you being separate, no need to go back on it for one awkward day, as long as they get to celebrate Christmas with everyone they love there's no need for it to be all at the same time.

As others have suggested the other alternative is to split the day in half, but for me that feels a bit "right quick now open your presents, then coats on we're three minutes late for the handover" - too regimented, no time for spontaneity, relaxing and enjoying the day, too much focus on just the presents part (because that's all there's time for). Plus, unless you live down the road, a large amount of the day wasted on travelling between the two and a mess around for anyone else you might be spending the day with.

I think it's much more enjoyable, if you're going to spend Christmas with someone, to have the whole day, and the previous or following day with the other parent.

My ex goes back to his family (and we always used to when together) for the weekend directly before Xmas. His brother and kids go to his parents too. They have a big meal out, do presents, have a really Xmassy day.. They do a boxing day the following day. He brings DD halfway home (total distance 180 miles) the day before Xmas eve. I meet him and pick her up and she then has Xmas with me and my family. It works for us. His brother and his kids spend Xmas day with SILs family.

If exH wanted to I'd alternate Xmasses with him and we'd do a special family Xmas-like celebration with my family when DD was home.

AE18 that's a good point about not needing to be together on Christmas when every other day we aren't. Last year I ended up in the unfortunate situation where my ex got our DD to ask (in tears) if "Daddy could come for Christmas?" I couldn't find the strength to say no.

But also I really like ex's family. They are so lovely (well his mother was until she did an about face on me). Both his sisters have messaged me to say that Christmas won't be the same without me and I should still consider myself part of the family.

But I know that I'm not, actually. Their loyalty is of course to their brother (my ex), and their mother, who tells everyone what to do.

After the way he treated me for a year, the affair, his unwillingness to try to work on the marriage, I can tolerate him but I don't want to be around him. And I guess sadly that means that I can't be around his family either.