Will the pain ever stop?

[Myusernameisthiss]

It's been 7 weeks and I feel worse than I ever have.

The thought of carrying on with my life without someone I thought was my soul mate breaks me.
Everything in my life reminds me of my husband and the future I thought we had.

I have so much grief inside me I don't see an end to it.

Please tell me it will get easier. I have no one who has gone through this to truly know how it feels to have your world ripped apart by the one person in the world you chose to trust and be with for the rest of your life.

I feel so alone and empty and it's horrible.

He cheated constantly. He tried to talk to women he had affairs with after i said out marriage was over. I know we will never ever be back together, and I still want him to contact me. And it makes me feel pathetic, because he is the only one that will stop my pain, and he caused it.

I just want to feel ok. I want to stop crying all the time and feeling so sad and alone and empty.

Hey

I lost someone I thought was my life love. I wanted to die it hurt so much.

I never thought I would move on.

I have. And I barely think about them.
It DOES get better. You just have to soldier on x

I remember that grief - I felt it last year. I only kept going because of the kids
A year later the pain is still there - but muted
Time is a great healer - nothing you can really do to speed it up but you will get there. I admit, after 6 months I went to to drs and was prescribed medication to control anxiety. I’d stopped feeling the despair but the anxiety was crippling
They have helped loads
I’ve found it so good to get stuck in to the gym. I have some very good friends that have saved me
Please just allow yourself the time to grieve and you will eventually realise that you’re strong again
Xxx

It will get better I promise. I know exactly how you feel.

My ex left 5 months ago. I feel ok. Not good or bad but ok. And I'm fine with that. I still have bad days but they are much less and I'm finding I'm able to function now where as before I was just existing.

Talk to your friends and family it will help.

Look after yourself x

Friends and family will be there for you. Make yourself get out of the house and go for walks or hit the gym. Do hobbies. Volunteer. Keep busy. Change things like the decor or get a hair cut (if you have enough money obv)and look at all the positives.
You have had a tough time but I firmly believe you will be happy again. This period of reflection will pass and your life will change and you will be much better off. Get meds if you need them.
Once you are happy in your own skin you will perhaps bump into someone that seems nice....but that’s in the future. All will be well.

I really feel for you. I once went to the Priory because of a terrible relationship breakdown. My two bit of advice are - don't drink to excess - it's so easy to, and it makes everything worse. And get a personal trainer - if you can afford it - and if not hit the exercise in a major way some other way. But I say personal trainer as you need someone to kick your ass into action when you're terribly down, and also to flirt with. I LOVED flirting (harmlessly) with people post heartbreak. It will get so much better. In the meantime you have all my sympathy and more. X

It's shit right now but it will definitely get better x

This happened to my daughter and she was totally devastated and for a long time could see no way forward and I was so worried about her and ached for her. And I HATED him with a passion. It took time but she rebuilt her life She found it helpful to talk about it - with friends, with family , with anyone who would listen. And she cried and cried . It was a slow process but eventually she began to focus on work, on cleaning, decorating etc and she started volunteering to fill her time. I feel so sad for you and wish there was something I could do to make things just a little easier. We are all here hand holding for you ...xx

Yes it's terrible - a heavy, drowning bereavement that hits you full on in the gut when you wake and hangs over you till you sleep. You will feel everything, anger, betrayal, hurt, pitiful pain. Like grief it will engulf you. You need to feel it and express it and accept it - in order to get better and recover. There is no short cut.

But then one day, I promise you, you will wake up and it's not the first thing that hits you. You will find yourself laughing till you cry, enjoying the breeze on your face, a beautiful view or smiling at the quirks of others. And you will realise you have the capacity to find new joys and pleasures and to be whole again.

It takes small steps, simple pleasures and you will make yourself whole again. A look forward to night with friends, a child or relatives birthday, enjoying making your own choices about what movie to watch, what meals to eat.

Because you are stronger and braver than you know. And your medicine will be time and the kindness of others.

I was there 10 years ago and now have an entirely different adventurous life. I have done things I would never have done otherwise and have new friends and interests. It's possible for you too. It will come.

Be very vey kind to yourself.

Bouledeneige - that’s one of the loveliest things I’ve read describing this awful situation x

I found some anger about the shitty way he treated me.
After that, it got a lot easier.
I made the house the way I wanted it, did things for my own pleasure that he didn't like, was able to parent my children in the way that I wanted, building much better relationships with them because of that.
I still felt love for him for a long time, admittedly, but reminding myself of what he'd done eventually allowed that to die.
It definitely got easier for me, OP, and I hope it does for you.

I was exactly where you are about 4 years ago, I was surprised that it actually physically hurts as well as emotionally, it is a grieving process. It does get better with time, I found that there were periods that were harder than others and then after a while, the lows have become shorter and less painful and it's a bit easier to shake off.
Writing your feelings down can help when you need to offload and there's no one around.
Hang in there and be kind to yourself- it won't always feel this awful

Thanks Jen.

It's not suffering I would ever have wanted for myself or anyone else or sought for my life. But my life is wholly different and in many ways much better. I have travelled new and different paths and seen my own courage and bravery. My DC have grown into beautiful young people with open hearts and emotional intelligence. Lots of amazing moments - just not with him, my XH.

Yes it does OP. It's been three years since my husband walked out on me when I was seriously ill.
It was a dreadful time but now I am as happy as Larry. That useless wankers is out of my life and everyday is a joy knowing I can do whatever my heart desires.
Makes me laugh now that I was in such a state I contemplated suicide.
You will be OK too. I promise

Thank you so much everyone for your amazing, kind words and advice.
I feel so greatful that you took the time to reply to me, I really do.
It has made me feel more positive that people who do not know me are telling me their experiences and that they got through it.

This pain is unbearable some days.

I finished my garden off yesterday that he started and I had bags of play bark to carry and even that made me think of him and our plan for that garden together.
Every little thing I do reminds me of him.

I found that in the early days but it does pass.

This is good post to read. My H moved out a few months ago but kept me hanging. I asked him to consider going to counselling. He ignored me and refused to answer the phone, refused to answer texts, ignored emails. That has been the case since March 2019. Any responses I got were extremely brief and still avoided the actual questions. H will presumably not instigate divorce as he's that type of person: head in the sand and hope it goes away so he doesnt have to do anything. Two days ago I filed an online application for divorce. One minute i think if made a huge mistake in doing it, the next minute i remind myself that he does not care enough to try to repair whatever he thinks has gone wrong. I can only get closure by taking control of my life. boule wrote a great post. thank you for putting down what i've been thinking.

My sleep has been massivley affected.If i get straight to sleep i'm waking up at 3am for hours. If I struggle to get to sleep I can lie there for hours ruminating over every thought and feeling. My digestion and stomach are all over the place. Pain in my chest/abdomen area that are emotional pains.

I've had 2-3 day emotional meltdowns. Friends have been amazingly supportive to me and have let me cry and literally wiped the tears off my face. Hugs help.

Some days I am in denial about his behaviour and other days the thought of his behaviour makes me angry at him for destroying our world that I thought was happy and relaxed and good, not perfect, but life isn't perfect. He's given no reason why he left and he'd kept me like a spare part until he decided that he no longer wanted that 'fallback'. He seems to want to live alone and in his words 'not to haev to worry any more' . I have no idea what that means. I thounk he is depressed but he refuses to discuss going to a doctor. H has always avoided going to doctors even when he's been very ill. He doesn't even take tablets for headaches although I suspect that is more the fact that he is too lazy to get them from the cabinet upstairs.

H moved out weeks ago. Now I'm surrounded by 90% of his belongings. All still in situ, our bedroom, the spare room, the garden, the loft, the garage, everywhere. Legally I can't touch his stuff because he is joint homeowner and joint mortgage account holder. Now that I've filed for divorce I'm scared of the reaction I'll get but at least I took control rather than waiting for months/years for him to deign to do something.

Some days are horrible. Some are not as bad. There will be a lot of heartache and tears ahead but I will end up happier than I am now.

@fingernailsbitten I feel for you so much. I’m very early days (haven’t even told kids yet & he will be living here until house is sold). I was awake at 2am this morning & that was it until I got up to go to work. I’m in the spare room & everytime I got up to make tea or go to the loo, so could hear him snoring in the other room. How can he sleep when our world is imploding?

I need to be strong for my girls but it is so hard. If physically hurts. I laugh at work & then I remember 😔

I could have written mostly the same post OP. I am only 2 weeks in from a formal separation and I'm heartbroken. He wasn't perfect but I loved him so much and truly thought he was my soul mate. To know he doesn't want me anymore and is in love with someone else gives me physical pain. I have never cried so much in my life. I am relying on the advice everyone on here and IRL is giving us - that time heals and we won't feel this bad forever, life will eventually move on. Keeping busy has helped me get through each day. I've talked to lots of friends and family and every time I do a bit of the weight of sadness lifts. I've started a journal to write down my feelings and writing down the positives of not being in a relationship with him anymore - things I don't have to put up with as well as new freedoms.

You are better off without your ex in your life, your head knows it's just your heart that needs to catch up (mine has definitely not caught up yet).

Please see your GP if the sadness doesn't feel like it's lifting.

Good luck OP

It is definitely like going through a bereavement.
Angry days, crying days, disbelief days.
Today I'm feeling fairly good following 5 days of floods of tears.
Every song on the radio makes me remember memories of concerts we went to or holidays we'd had.

Life wasn't perfect. 25 years out of 45 with one person IS MY WHOLE WORLD. I thought I'd grow old and senile with him. Our world was good and sometimes not so good but that's normal.

It hurts but I know it will come to hurt less, with time.

Flowers and hugs and mugs of hot tea to all those on this thread.

Lean on your friends and tell them if you're having a hard day when nothing makes sense.. They don't need to provide any answers, just ears to listen and perhaps a large G and T or whatever is your poison.

I have bought a 2020 diary and I've started writing people's brithdays in. I focused my brain in realising that life will continue after this awful period. Next year is going to be my year. 2020 has such a ring to it. I like even numbers! Cling to the positives.

Yes oh yes .
In time definitely lots of good advice, suggestions given .
Yes it’s going to be fine with time x

Yes things will get better eventually, I promise they will. No matter how bleak things look at the minute. But as a previous poster has said, there is no short cut. And that is so true and a very honest way to put it. Unfortunately, you have to go through it to start feeling better. It is soul destroying and your heart will be sore but you really have to focus on yourself to get through this. Lean on family or close friends, talk to them about how you are feeling. Talk until you just have nothing left to say. Until you are ready to talk again. Visit your GP and explain what has happened. You may need medication to help through the initial stages. Your priority has to be you and how you are going to get through this and start to feel better again.

You are only 7 weeks in, that is such a short time to even start to come to terms with what has happened. Time is a great healer. You may feel at the minute that you don't want to keep going but you have to and you will. Because this is about you now and how you are going to move forward and live a life where you will smile, laugh and feel genuine happiness again.

It will defnitely get better I promise especially if you got rid of soon who lied and cheated to you. I am 5 years down the line of finding out my xh lied and cheated on me. When I first found out I was devastated then spent 4 years in a marriage with major anxiety, unhappy and constsntly wondering if my husband was lying to me (he was!) It was 4 years of hell. A year on from my divorce I feel so happy! I feel so proud of myself for finally finding the courage to tell him to go. Anxiety has disappeared, I have friends and family back in my life who had been blocked out by my xh, I can do whatever I want. It is liberating. It will take time but you will get there. Advice I can give is get rid of all his belongings, cut all contact unless absolutely essential, act with dignity and don't lower yourself to getting revenge, go out and start enjoying life. I think about him less and less and just feel grateful I have the chance to enjoy the rest of my life. You will feel the same one day too. Big hugs. Xx

I am so sorry you feel like this. It must be hard to face every day for you, but there is hope.

OH and I are having a more mutual separation so I'm coming at this from a totally different standpoint. Girlfriends keep asking me "aren't you worried about being alone?" all the time. I have been betrayed but I was ready to move on to a lesser extent, I have been very hurt, but I know there's more to life to explore. Taking older teens in to account, I am now able to:

Go where I want, do all the things I never could in my relationship, develop my career (what's left of it), see more of my girlfriends, not have to cook a meal for 7.30pm, travel and choose anywhere I want to live. I am so excited about that. My own front door, my own key, my own life. I know I will be lonely at times, I have lost the person I thought was my best mate, but I can do and be what I want now. It feels incredibly liberating. A chance for me.

I think what we feel about our own divorces is down to how deeply we feel betrayed, our health, who's left with the responsibilites to wider family, how much we value our own capabilities to live beyond the marriage and of course our financial settlement - some practical things dictate so much, but it is also a state of mind. I am not shackled to my current life. I am almost an empty-nester and I will have a moderate settlement I imagine (it's early days) and am looking forward to a (somewhat scary but) new life full of promise and possibilities. You are not the rejected one, the less desirable one, the less interesting one, his behaviour says everything about him and nothing about you really. You can re-define who you are now. A beautiful sassy woman with the world at her finger-tips, finding that inner girl she once was and enjoying life again.

My husband left 4 weeks ago and today he has said he is never coming back. Will never understand why he has done this. I have 2 young children and have no idea where to start in trying for us to have a normal life.

Reading all your posts really do help.

The pain is unbearable...never in a million years did I ever think he could do this to me and the kids.

Where do you start trying to start your life again.