Amicable separation - tips for co-parenting

[mamamiaow]

I'm looking for some advice on how to separate well for children (and for us). This is a long term relationship which has come to an end.

It's still very raw and sad but we have to plan/arrange housing, agree the timetable of parenting, work out the best time/way to tell everybody.

Does anyone have any tips on how to do this and what works for you now that you are in the routine of living this way?

Clarity about what happens, and flexibility to allow for changes.
Agree a method of communication (e.g. phone, email, whatever) that you will mostly use, and don't use children as message-takers.
Get kids used to a planner/calendar of where they will be.
To make things work it helps a lot if you can live v close to each other.
Use school as the method of transfer when you can - i.e. one taking to school, the other collecting from school.
The 'arrival' of new partners can be tricky, but need not be - agree timetable for introducing new parents to children (though cannot be enforced in any way).
Expect arrangements to change as children get older -- longer blocks with each parent as they get older, shorter blocks when younger.
Encourage child to keep in touch with the other parent when with you (if they wish).
Speak positively about the other parent.
Expect to discover differences in your parenting approaches!

Some rather basic tips, here: childsupportaustralia.com/parenting-tips-skills/

Good luck!

introducing new parents to children

new partners, I meant to say!

We separated almost 4 years ago and it's still very amicable. DS lives me me. I drop him at his dad's on a Saturday at 6ish. His dad brings him back in Sunday at 6. This means we both get a weekend day and night with DS and one of each 'off'.

He then collects DS after school on a Monday. He does that from here as I WFH and DS schoolnis round the corner. He then drops him at my mum's (also close by) on a Tuesday morning for breakfast.

DS also goes to my mums on a Wednesday after school for tea and sleepover - has done this since he was 6 days old.

I generally make all the decisions for DS but I did that when we were together so no change there. ExDH took him away last week and has also had him this week. Hes back later. He pays me CM which we worked out on the CSA website.

I think we are an exception though as me and exDH get on well. We share a hobby and next weekend it involves an overnight stay. We are sharing a room. He also came away with us for a week in July and shared a room with DS. We are great mates, just didnt want to be married anymore and both of us are happy.

We use WhatsApp mainly. Also have a WhatsApp group with my mum too which we use for arrangements and pics. DS goes into year 7 next week but I don't envisage anything changing just yet. He does things with his dad and things with me. And so far it's all worked out ok.

It might change if either of us met a new partner. But exDH wont unless someone throws themself at him. And I can't be assed.

Thanks WaterSpider. The thought of not seeing the kids every day is unbearable, but I am trying to see it as an opportunity for 'me' time. I am feeling very anxious, but ultimately I know we will be all right. We have a close group of friends and have been together so long and I am not sure how this is going to work from a social sense.

Try to have sorted out the admin - where each XP will be living, what the initial contact pattern will be - before telling the DC, because it will be far easier for them if you have answers when they ask about those sorts of things (and unless extremely young, then they will)

Tell the DC together, with lots of reassurance that you both still love them very, very much. Do this before news if the split becomes common currency (ie confide in only one or two totally trustworthy people, or a paid counsellor) until that point.

Brief the school/nursery/whatever first working day after you tell DC, and update ememrgency contact lists. Sort out how to handle school communications between you.

Use an app like Time Tree in which you can have shared calendars with XP (one for him, one for each DC, one for you, all shared: you can add private ones for you as well) as everyone can see the updates straight away.

Get any key messages in writing - eg an amicable email 'Hi, just confirming that we agreed you would do an extra pick up from school in Thursday and take them straight to the dentist. I'll be in by the time you've all finished and you'll give me the £30 for Cubs subs when you drop off. I'm doing an extra pick up next week on Tuesday - enjoy your training session that night!'

Live as close to each other as possible, and let th DC free range once they are old enough to cope.

Decide what occasions you can handle together - will you ever go to his family events or vice versa? But be ready to facilitate DC contact with both sides if the family if ever necessary.

Always pick up if it's your DC calling, but perhaps set times for when other parent can call DC at their other home (eg call every day if you want to, weekends first thing up to 10:30, any day evening between 6-7 - aim is maximum freedom, but within a predictable pattern IYSWIM)

Always listen to requests for flexibility, and say yes unless it's impossible.

Have a planning meeting about once a term to sit down and discuss any changes to the DC's needs and preferences, and forward planning for the next half term and holidays, and any forthcoming special events. Also revise budgeting.

And that had paragraphs when I posted it

Difficult to know as don’t know your circumstances

Exceptionally amiable divorce here. We often have a coffee together when collecting the children. We always celebrate the children’s birthday as a family of four. We buy each other Christmas and birthday presents from the children, the children and I picked up some holiday treats for him when we were away, we text each other most days, I will update him on funny things the children have said etc, we send each other photos when the children are with us etc.

What has helped is that there was no third party and three years down the line - still no one else on the scene. We were simply incompatible as husband and wife, but he is my best friend.

The key is accept that there will be arguments and disagreements but as long as you both hold back and don’t get poisonous... you will recover. Treat each other kindly and essentially do as you would be done by ie I want to know what my children are up to when they are with him so I update him when they’re with me

AddictedtoCrunchies - thanks, your set-up is our aspiration. This is the kind of story I wanted to hear.

There's an app called 2 houses that's pretty good. It allows you to set up schedules pretty easily and share info like medical info etc.

And yes to agreements in writing
Yes yes yes

Try to keep in mind that what you organize now is unlikely to work forever. Too much chopping and changing ends up being a PIA for everyone but particularly the kids.

I used to do EOW and half the the holidays. Step kids do 50/50. Used to do a weird mid week one nighter which was a nightmare for all concerned.

The kids and I hated when their DF rang every night. They were 2&3 and didn't want to interrupt what they were doing and he was very rigid about it.

If possible best if the kids do the calling at a convenient time for the family.

One day you'll want a life again and it's lovely having the odd lie in/night out etc. Honestly divorce was way better than my marriage.

Thanks for the advice everyone. Feeling very guilty and emotional at the moment, it’s all a bit unreal and feeling overwhelmed.

Also how did you go about informing your children? I don’t know when we will resolve the living arrangements etc. We are all still in same house, sleeping in same bed. It’s difficult keeping this in but don’t want to inform until we know exact plans. Trying not to be emotional in front of them. Have mediation appt set up but not till Oct. just want to do this right.