Really need some supportive words, feeling damn awful

[Tiredoptimist]

Help. Separated from DH for really good reasons. Controlling behaviour and alcohol problems (both his). He wanted passwords, stalked me on SM, serious sexual jealousy, really pissy when drunk. We were together 20 years and were under a lot of pressure...money, work, kids...no time for fun.

Anyway, to cut a long story short we are trialling separation. He wants us to try again, I don’t.
Today he wept and is so sad. Says he wishes it was just a bad dream.
Sending me texts telling me how much he loves me and I feel bloody awful. Really guilty for him feeling so sad.
Please can anyone make me feel better?

You've made the right decision @Tiredoptimist you will ok, it takes time to break the bond you have with him (even though logically you know he isn't good for you). Stay strong x

Hi OP, sorry it’s such a shitty time for you. I had a long marriage and an ex who I gave loads of chances to in hope he’d start making more of an effort and stop being controlling and the rest.

I found things easier when I could get my head round what was happening and my reasons for leaving.

So, in your case you’re trialling separation due to his being controlling and having alcohol issues. A trial separation usually infers you want time to think, and he should be thinking what he can do that might make you want to go back. If he knows the issues you have with him, has he done anything to help with the alcohol problems? And is he respecting your wish for a trial separation in that he is giving you space? I think the answer to these questions could tell you if you are doing the right thing.

Don't let him manipulate your emotions, he wasn't sad and wishing it was all a bad dream when he was stalking you, controlling you etc. His tears are just another way to control you, if he genuinely feels sad and wants you back he has to respect your feelings on the separation and get help for his alcohol problem and jealousy.
Be very careful if you do consider taking him back as if you want to separate again he will know his tears, begging, texts etc worked and will do the same next time, his behaviour may also get worse as he has "got away with" his actions up until now x

Thanks. Yes, I only want to do this once. I just wish he wasn’t so hurt. If only I had a magic wand. I would love him to meet someone else and live happily ever after (and leave me alone!)