How do you know when it is time to separate? Feeling so sad

[purplepandas]

I am feelign so sad about things right now. I can't see a way forward aside from separating. DH does not want this and I know the DCs won't (9 and 7). It will likely mean selling the house as I can't see how I could buy DH out long term and keep up the mortgage. That would be the only fair thing to do.

I don't love him and i don't fancy him. I am losing all respect for him as he just leaves all the 'wife work' to me and I feel like I have an additional child. Resentment is at an all time high and I can't see how to move past this. I am not perfect and absolutely know this. I have a real temper and we clash, pretty much always due to him not taking any interest in supporting things (e.g thinking about how to cover school hols as we both work FT, thinking about buying birthday pressies, parties, school uniform, organising flipping anything at all). Around the house he does stuff and he absolutely is a good Dad. The DC love him and I am very glad this is the case of course.

He won't talk to me. I have tried to have conversations and have just given up. How can you talk to someone who does not talk back. We have pretty much lost all opportunity to talk now due to shifts this week. This is third time we are at this point this year and I can't keep doing this. I could probably stay together but there is no love (other than platonic, I do care about him, I don't love him romantically at all).

I am struggling to make the final call on the relationship and am getting nothing back so it feels very much my decision. He's acting like a puppy I have kicked at the moment. We have tried talking when no one is upset but he just says he does not know what I want (I have told him) and he's sorry. That's it.

Having grown up in a very unhappy household I am trying to tell myself that although I feel awful about splitting, it will be okay for the children. Financially it will mean huge huge changes though and I feel so very guilty about that. I will absolutely put them first but there will be things I can't do that I can now. We are not wealthy btw!

Throughout this, I feel so gut wrenchingly sad. Surely I should feel relieved but I don't. I keep wondering if I am making the wrong decison.

Very sorry for length. I didn't mean to write an essay.

Op does dh know that you are at this stage? Does he know how bad things are?
Would counselling help?
It does sound like separating might be helpful, is there a way to trial this?

So sorry things are so tough

Opting out of parenting, household work and major decisions and adult discussion IS emotional abuse. Sorry.

I think it's time to leave when you feel you're struggling to maintain/uphold your self-respect.

Without adding further wrt my own personal circumstances, get advice from CAB re housing and separation, etc.

Thanks @user1498854363, that's helpful. Yes, he does know where I am. i tried yet again to talk to him last night and we have talked previously about him moving out (which he does not want). I am just at a point where I don't know what else to do. We did go down the route of booking an appt at Relate last time (I instigated obv) and I cancelled it once I thought we were heading back on track. I have thought about it again and told him I will do it but he needs to book it (as this to me is one of the biggest issues, I organise it all) and he has to talk. He won't talk to me so I absolutely do not see him talking to a stranger. I am v prepared to give it a go though.

@thereblegeopart, I honestly don't feel it is emotional abuse at all. He absolutely does do stuff around the house. That has never been the issue at all. i am not defending him but trying to be balanced and honest. I have temper issues and have said some bad stuff before so am not perfect. I just feel we are a bad bad combination. He says I am a control freak (I do have control issues) but I keep trying to explain that I have to have things under control when I am responsible for doing all the organisation and working FT (as does he). It's like two jobs and he just can't see this. I would rather be on my own I think and not feel resentful. It's almost that which is killing me. I know I will have more work to do ironically if I leave and the burden on me will be greater due to his shifts.

Thank you for the replies btw, I am grateful. I need to talk and it's so hard to anyone here as I don't want to bad mouth him to people that know both of us. That's not fair.

Maybe I shoudl go to relate alone. That could be helpful I guess. I think my work has some employment counselling service which may also be helpful but not relationship specific of course.

Anyone else felt like this? Did you regret splitting? That's always a huge worry in my head.

My relationship ended because we were living like he hated resented me he wouldn’t talk showed less and less interest, blocked me out by playing computer games half night when our son was in bed so I couldn’t talk to him. I ended up thinking it was me being paranoid. It go so bad I forced a make or break conversation at which he came out with so much crap about accusing me of an affair saying I didn’t want him and he been in our house for 3 years feeling the same! I thought things would be better once we decided to split but it’s still the same he barely talks when he picks up our son laughs jokes has conversations with his family but ignores me lots of times. I’m better off on my own but I was very hurt we lived together 15 years.

If I could offer one piece of advice Instead of writing it’s time to separate....draw up a list of positives and work from there, I know when I was going through those emotions everything seemed worse because I was constantly going through worse case scenarios about finances kids etc. Hugs 🤗

I am sorry @Avidreader12, that sounds hard indeed. Both at the time of splitting and now. In fairness, my situation is not as bad at all. DH will talk abuot mundane shit but nothing emotional. Tumbleweed if I try to have a decent conversation about that. I keep hearing worse stories and mine is not that one, perhaps I am just being unkind and expecting too much. I know my Mum thinks I am in terms of sharing of the wifework.

I appreciate the replies, thank you. to all.

And good advice re a list, thank you.

I don't love him and i don't fancy him. I am losing all respect for him as he just leaves all the 'wife work' to me and I feel like I have an additional child. Resentment is at an all time high and I can't see how to move past this.

I could have written this three years ago and that’s when I knew it was over.

He’s acting like a hurt puppy (aka your ‘third child’) because he can avoid taking any responsibility therefore avoiding any additional effort. If he truly wanted to save your relationship you would be getting the signals by now. All the time he’s like this he will never gain your respect and the resentment will continue to build.
I speak from experience and decided that life really was too short. It’s not been a bed of roses but I don’t miss that seething resentment and constant disappointment of being the only active participant in our marriage.

Thank you @anewchaptee. That's helpful. I totally don't expect it to be a bed of roses at all. I am now worrying about my ability to even do this. We will see. I have texted him where I stand and imagine I will get no reply. Gives him a chance to communicate in a different maybe less threatening way.

I think you have to look at the good bits. He helps around the house and is a good dad, I would definitely go for counselling. But I would take him with me. Sometimes counsellors want to see both of you together to get it sorted.

I left my dh for some of the reasons you stated. I didn’t love him and he left a lot of the work to me. All he did was paperwork including reading the newspaper all the time. He never helped around the house. I personally don’t like counselling, as I think they just beat around the houses.