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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

AIBU not letting hubby introduce new girlfriend yet

49 replies

Gempeatea · 18/08/2019 10:45

So I don't know if I being unreasonable. Hubby left in March and stated dating some in May, he'd met her in the previous September and she's has already met my kids but while we were together, they met a a weight club so he'd take the kiddies along sometimes.

Anyway he wants to introduce her and I've said no not now, not never, just not now. He says he's not really introducing her as they already know her, they spent a day together in May when he had the kids, he said our daughter who is 6 doesn't know the difference between friend and girlfriend which I get and I do believe he would tso it in the right way... Slowly as he has slareday told me so it's not how he wants to do it I have an issue with I just think its to soon. That other thinga is that they are moving in together soon so I have said no over nights if this happens. He has told me that his girlfriend will stay with her parents on the nights he has the children.... Again I feel that is reasonable...

Am I being unfair... I just feel its to early, my girl is still coming to terms that her dad has left so I don't want to upset anything... And neither does he but in the same breath wants to introduce them.

I've thought that November would be okay as this would be 6 months into thier relationship and as he said it's serious so I have said if this is the case then they have time to do this in a slow way but he doesn't seem happy with that.

Maybe I'm being a but unfair... I don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:

YouWhoNeverArrived · 18/08/2019 21:38

I accept I've seen this play out before and that will affect my perception.

But I'm not the only poster who thinks it's bizarre that OP wants to control contact so closely, and refers to her ex as "Hubby"...

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 18/08/2019 21:47

She's not "my girl" she is both of yours. You can put your side across but you can't stop overnights or them meeting and tbh you don't come across brilliantly for trying.

And for the love of everything, don't call him "hubby". That won't help you at all

stucknoue · 18/08/2019 22:07

I think that it's better that they start seeing her before they move in together, it's incredibly hard for you but kids are far more adaptable than we give them credit for. He's known her a while, and it seems he wants to put the kids needs first, try to make sure you trust him and keep your relationship with him ok, making demands could hamper that

WhiteWriting · 18/08/2019 22:56

@YouWhoNeverArrived

I hope your ex and his partner don't know you refer to him as "Hubby". My husband's ex referred to him as "my husband" while they were divorcing. The divorce took 18 months, and she was still calling him her husband after he'd been living with me for a year. Although technically correct in the eyes of the law, she sounded pretty desperate; I felt sorry for her tbh. Less charitable friends used to laugh at her behind her back. She tried to prevent him introducing his children to me because she expected him to go back to her. He didn't!

read this back to yourself - you sound like an idiot. Where is your compassion FFS.

YouWhoNeverArrived · 18/08/2019 23:07

@whitewriting Has this touched a raw nerve? Hope everything worked out for you in the end.

WhiteWriting · 18/08/2019 23:11

No raw nerve - just struggling to see how you were in the right in the situation you describe. Your partner had a wife.

Dietcoke131 · 18/08/2019 23:25

If your voicing concerns for your child and putting her needs first then 100% have your say... it’s not controlling, it’s being a Mum protecting her daughter. Don’t let people shut you down, you know what’s best for your child.

Come up with a plan with your partner, that is the best way forward for your child. Personally I’d say anything less than 12 months is too soon, it shocks me these new partners being forced upon children who are still processing big changes in their lives.

YouWhoNeverArrived · 19/08/2019 05:58

@whitewriting Although OP is legally still married, if her STBXH has moved on, referring to him as "hubby" suggests she's not over him. Same with my husband's ex. That's all. Hope you're OK now after your own divorce.

clucky3 · 19/08/2019 06:06

I came here to see what to do for the best not to have abusive responses

No, you came here to be told that you are 100% right and then flounced off when you didn't get the response you wanted. FWIW I think you sound quite controlling.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 19/08/2019 06:15

Wow those first responses are peculiar - I think you got pounced on by a whole load of other women who hate first wives, and/or parents who've shacked up with a new "partner" 20 minutes after leaving their wife/ husband and kids!

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 19/08/2019 06:24

The usual advice is to go slowly, this thread has gone exactly the opposite way to the usual MN threads on introducing new partner's to children after a parental breakup.

Once you have children "I can do what I like" is an arsehole attitude - the children are more important than the romantic ambitious of either parent, and usually it's a poor idea to introduce children to a girlfriend or boyfriend when the relationship is so new - he's only been with this new girlfriend three months if November will be six months!

Twelve weeks dating is a casual brand new relationship, not a new partner.

Childless people have the luxury of doing what they like, but parents of dependent children should think things through and not move in with a new girlfriend or boyfriend after a matter of weeks when the children will be staying overnight, or introduce a potential string of new "partners" to the children.

SD1978 · 19/08/2019 06:27

Simply- yes. You are being unreasonable. Whilst it's understandable, and you're allowed to be hurt, you don't get to dictate what he does, unless there is a safeguarding concern with the kids. You do t get to with hold them because it's not what you would do. A court will not allow this, you would lose. Unless there is a safety concern, you need to back off, and deal wit your own feeling of being hurt, and not priory into the kids. He left you. Not them. Good luck xxx

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/08/2019 06:31

I think 6 months is a reasonable request (that's how long I had been seeing my new partner before he met my children). However, you can only request and point out your concerns. He can do what he wants in his time with his children. Are you getting any support? You sound very involved and you really can't unless you have concerns there is abuse.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 19/08/2019 06:34

Quite shocked at the responses.

He sounds very irresponsible and I would not be ok with this at all.

Someonetookmyusername · 19/08/2019 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thatnovembernight · 19/08/2019 07:16

I’m surprised by all of the talk about ‘controlling’ and ‘dictating’. The OP hasn’t said she’s going to take him to court or deny access or anything dramatic or vindictive - she’s made a request to the co-parent about how they handle a situation that will impact a child who is still coming to terms with the breakdown of their family. They only split up in March.

Mumsnet is usually very, very adamant that new girlfriends/boyfriends should not be introduced until at least 6-12 months ‘in’.

100% agree that ‘Hubby’ is not an appropriate way to refer to someone you have split up with though.

ChangingStates · 19/08/2019 08:21

It's way too early IMO, kids need a decent amount of time to come to terms with the end of their parent's relationship and he's not thinking about dd's best interests introducing them so soon after your break up. However there isn't much you can do about it to be honest, except express your concerns and ask him to take it slow and hope he does.

ChangingStates · 19/08/2019 08:21

ChangingStates · 19/08/2019 08:22

Sorry for the double post

Lovemenorca · 19/08/2019 11:49

@Thatnovembernight

I have said no over nights if this happens

Thatnovembernight · 19/08/2019 13:15

@Lovemenorca I take your point but that’s one sentence in the whole post. The OP also said that she believed he would ‘do it in the right way’ but was suggesting waiting until November. Is that so wrong? To have waited until this new relationship is 6 months old? And the news of the family break up is 8 months old?

Lovemenorca · 19/08/2019 14:00

I think 6 months minimum!

My point is - that even though I completely agree with the Op’s View, she can’t stamp her feet and demand. If he wants to introduce the children within 5 minutes of meeting someone - that is his prerogative

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 19/08/2019 23:57

Look, he's moving too fast. In doing that, he's not putting the kids first. You clearly believe he's wrong in that. And I agree with you. Having seen first hand with my own daughters, the effect it had when their mum rushed into moving a new man in with them, I know that it can have a lasting effect. They're still quite bitter about how she did it, three years later.

So, it's not unreasonable to have concerns about the kids, or to voice that opinion to him.

BUT....

Ultimately, it is his decision to make. You are equal parents. There will be times when the two of you do not agree about the right way to do things. This is one of those times. There will be others. Ideally, the two of you will be able to get to a position where you can discuss what is best for the kids, while respecting the other parent's role. That's what you're failing to do at the moment, and that's why PPs have said that your approach is controlling. They're right. You can voice an opinion, but you can't demand that he doesn't introduce his partner to them.

And where you step way over the line of acceptable behaviour, is in threatening to stop overnight contact when his girlfriend lives with him. That would have a very significant detrimental impact on the children's relationship witb their Dad....and there isn't a court in the land would conclude you were doing the right thing.

Your willingness to threaten this is a major concern. It is using the children as weapons - pawns in your efforts to control how your ex lives his life. That is totally unacceptable. A Judge would rip you a new one for that. Your children are not weapons.

MrsBendurdickCuminmysnatch · 20/08/2019 02:27

First things first. Stop calling him "hubby". He's not your hubby any more. The very fact that you're using such a tweet and cutsie term suggests you haven't managed to get over it. Start now.

Second, just as you need to move on so does he. Get on with it

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