Is now the time to tell the kids I have a boyfriend, and how?

[FrankensteinRocks]

First off have name changed as details may be outing.

STBX and I separated a year and a half ago. Divorce not yet finalised. Currently birds nest- children (12 & 7yr old) stay in the family home and we each spend 50% of the time in the home with them and 50% not. I am going to be moving into my own home in 2-3 months and we will continue 50:50 with kids moving between the 2 homes.

In my 50% not with them I met and began seeing a lovely man and we have now been seeing each other a year. We've taken it slowly but are in love. My kids don't know anything, his (also 50:50 with his ex) have known about me for over 6 months but haven't met me, he's been divorced a few years. My ex knows I am with someone and it's not a problem, we are mostly amicable.

I think I should tell them, not because I need them to meet him right now, but because at the moment they are in a relatively stable living arrangement but with change coming when I move and I don't want to give them too many new things to deal with at once. Not telling them now could mean leaving it another 6 months or so until they are settled in new living arrangements. As his kids have known for a while I am worried when they do eventually meet up it might come out that his kids have known for a long time and mine don't. I don't want them to think I have been hiding things from them or they have been left out.

So I guess first is- do you think now is an ok time? Is a year and half after separation still too soon for them? Should I wait until further down the line?

Then any advice on how to approach it and possible reactions would be great. I plan to keep it light, am dating, no pressure to meet him, just letting them know etc

Thank you!

A year and a half is plenty of time and i think you should tell them. Like you said keep it light, introduce as a friend to start with and build up the affection you show to the boyfriend over time in front of the children. The children are old enough to understand and over time will see you are happy together and that he is a nice person.
Good Luck!

Thanks seapoint, I was planning to tell them I was dating him rather than actually introducing them so they get used to the idea of me being with someone without actually having to meet them- is it meant to be better to introduce first as a friend and then build up to the idea that it has become a relationship?

It's like a minefield trying to do what's best!

its how did it, introduce as a friend, they will then start to like them and then introduce more affection and contact time as and when you feel they are ready.

I would tell them now. I told mine after 7 months. I also said I was dating after they asked a question about where I had been the evening before when they were at their dads and it went on from there. They actually asked to meet him very quickly so no introducing as a friend, which I actually wouldn't have done. I'd rather introductions made as it is. Older kids aren't stupid. My eldest would never have fallen for the 'this is my friend' line.

My youngest has taken it well and really likes DP. Eldest is struggling a lot more and said he doesn't like him, but I know this is only because he has always been 100% dead against the idea of me meeting anyone and was always going to resist. He told me this himself. I think he's trying to actively dislike DP as he has mentioned showing him something before DP came over, and he did proudly, he's also been laughing at him but then it's like he remembers he isn't supposed to like him so withdraws a bit again.

Just be ready for an unsettled reaction. Although they may just be ok. My friend's DCs were.

Thank you both for sharing your experiences. I think I am more inclined to tell them I'm dating him as I probably won't introduce for a while. They can get used to the idea I'm seeing someone without having to meet him until they are ready- there's no rush. I think the eldest will appear be more accepting but struggle internally, the youngest will be more upfront and upset but ask more and probably actually accept it more quickly. Really hope i'm not fucking in my kids

If you are not going to introduce him for a while there is no point in telling them you are dating, what purpose will it serve at that age? Teens perhaps, young children... nope.

They will find it easier if you introduce him as a friend in the first instance and do not tell them you are together until they have gelled together. This also gives you the opportunity to de escalate your relationship if BF turns not to be a nice guy when the kids are around. (You never know until you have seen them interact for a few months).

I would say, however, that if your current arrangements are going to change, don’t introduce BF until a few months after the change. You don’t want them to think that all those changes are happening to fit BF into their lives, especially if they are even a bit likely to find these changes difficult.

Hi. I would go the route a couple of other posters spoke about. Tell them you are dating someone lightly first, then once that settles in, tell them about him and his life and show them photos then once they seem used to the idea, introduce them. There's no point in introducing them to someone they have never even heard about. They need to know, without him being thrusted upon them that you are dating then get an idea of him then meet him. That is how we do it as adults. We don't usually just meet someone and that's it, we talk to them, we get to know them then say ok, relationship time.

I just want to say that you sound very sensible and waiting a year to make sure it is love and will last, is very responsible.

I wish you the best of luck in your relationship and your new home :)

I think your approach sounds good - let them know someone is in your life and then give them time to get used to it. I think its so refreshing to see someone not rushing... I've recently fallen out with a friend because her fiancé left her in November and she's already had two different men in her life, both staying over and in her 2 young kids lives, the first only lasted a couple of months, and the latest has only been around 6 weeks but is going on holiday with them next week. I worry what this does to children so its lovely to see someone taking their time and keeping the kids separate for a while